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Help For A Friend With Marital Issues

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SinghManisha, Dec 18, 2018.

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Dec 22, 2018 #21

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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Rakhii, thank you for responding. Since she has hit 40’s she no longer wants kids. It seems to me like she is not looking for intimacy anymore.

Rakhii said: ↑

I am so sorry to see this happening. I don’t know if there is a fix for it other than getting checked medically and get into a treatment plan for his issues. If he is unwilling, until he is ready, she will have to do the whole 9 yards and then some herself. Since she still wants to stay in this relationship, this is something that must be done. Medical treatments cannot be fixed with any verbal solution and the sooner she accepts this, then sooner she can come up with a game plan.

As for not having kids, there are options if they are up to exploring them (sperm donors/ adoption/ surrogacy etc)
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SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

#21
Dec 22, 2018 #22

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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Lavani, I do not think this is a issue with her looks or treatment of her husband. She always looked up to him and spoke highly of him. Her life revolves / revolved around him. In fact I am really shocked to hear about this . They seemed like a ideal couple.

She is fit and good looking . Though that should not be grounds for denying intimacy.

lavani said: ↑

let's break it down. initimacy is big word. do you mean physical intimacy ( then may be he has medical issues ) or she might be fat or not physically attractive ( sorry this is rude to say ) but looks do matter if not all the time but it does help how a person takes care of him or her

emotional . how has she treated him , she looks like an extrovert and he is an introvert. ladies you cannot jump to conclusion to blame the man. but expecting an introvert to be all hunky dory is not easy. my H is introvert, it look me a lot of effort to make him really bonded to me .

this process will take time.

remarriage is not easy, again you have past baggage and you do not know the person you meet has what issues.

counselling is the best but he needs to understand how serious her feelings are. otherwise it is listening to some 3rd person and pay the COPAY.

funny i was talking about this to my H some time last week, how important a partner becomes after 10 years. After 10 years you are physically and emotionally becoming old. parents are getting old they cannot emotionally cheer you up. siblings are getting old, they have their own issues. Friends are getting old , they have own issues . only person who you can open your heart is your partner and if that early 10 years has been living like room mates, then that options is gone. now she is feeling very lonely . her H seemed ok because introverts like being alone .
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SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

#22
Dec 22, 2018 #23

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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That’s what I am wondering too .

yellowmango said: ↑

No normal married man will stay without sex for 15 years no matter what.
Fat ,skinny ,introvert,extrovert ....doesn't matter.
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SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

#23
Dec 22, 2018 #24

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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Shreema, thank you for responding .
And thank you for reiterating that it is OK for a woman to feel wanted and desired. Can I DM you Incase my friend decides on separating? No pressure though. Also I am not sure she is at that stage yet. I would like to give her time to process and grieve. It’s 15 long years of pretending things are fine and then this sudden realization that it is not.
I like your idea of writing her dreams and desires down. I might do that for myself one of these days.

Shreema86 said: ↑

@SinghManisha I was in exactly the same situation as your friend. I stayed for 10 years in that situation. I can understand her pain and fears very well. I dont think she can ever fully accept this situation as it is. , she can turn 50 and she will still yearn to feel desired as a woman and feel special. and I think that is completely justified. We are not human beings if we dont have these feelings to feel loved and wanted. Your friend is feeling hopeless at this moment , so what can you tell her is to write on a paper what she truly wants ( not analyze or worry how that will happen) . Write her innermost desire and ask the universe to help her, give her strength to do whatever it takes to help her achieve that dream. I believe from every fibre of my being , that if you are brave enough to ask what you want , the universe will help you get it. None of us are helpless or alone at any point .
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SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

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Dec 22, 2018 #25

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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Sandhya, thank you for responding . I am not sure how much I can help besides listening to her. I would like to point out that barring the intimacy part they did have a good marriage she thinks . They did have few but some common interests, travelled extensively. He has been a big support for her with her family issues, career etc. But I do agree with you, I don’t think their marriage has had a chance to evolve .

1Sandhya said: ↑

Hi Manisha,
This is a tough situation. The best you can do is be there for her as she figures things out on her own and offer her support and validation, imo.

Thing is, there is no right answer here, only the choice which satisfies her. What I mean is I can see this go either way, her leaving or staying as equally possible. 15 years is a long time and usually in most marriages over time things evolve, people change, children or in laws enter or exit the situation keeping it dynamic. Not so here. This situation is pretty static, the principals are exactly where they were 15 years ago, they have not used this time to grow closer together, or travel, or discover common interests or explore new things or anything like that from what you say. There has been no growth, no increase in common ground so to speak no positives from the union which can be used to cancel out the glaring negatives of no intimacy and no kids . Growth doesn’t have to come from kids alone or intimacy alone but it does help it along, in majority of marriages both are the easy way out. Lack of growth, lack of evolution of common ground here is a real problem, imo. That leaves a strain on the members to continue to maintain the status quo imo. Which now your friend is feeling. I do hope she finds the courage and strength to create a life which satisfies her. She is lucky to have a caring friend like you.
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SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

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Dec 22, 2018 #26

Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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SinghManisha said: ↑

Shreema, thank you for responding .
And thank you for reiterating that it is OK for a woman to feel wanted and desired. Can I DM you Incase my friend decides on separating? No pressure though. Also I am not sure she is at that stage yet. I would like to give her time to process and grieve. It’s 15 long years of pretending things are fine and then this sudden realization that it is not.
I like your idea of writing her dreams and desires down. I might do that for myself one of these days.
Click to expand...

yes, sure...

Shreema86, Dec 22, 2018

Shreema86, Dec 22, 2018

#26

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Dec 22, 2018 #27

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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SinghManisha said: ↑

Sandhya, thank you for responding . I am not sure how much I can help besides listening to her. I would like to point out that barring the intimacy part they did have a good marriage she thinks . They did have few but some common interests, travelled extensively. He has been a big support for her with her family issues, career etc. But I do agree with you, I don’t think their marriage has had a chance to evolve .
Click to expand...

People who deny something as basic as intimacy in marriage try to compensate by being extra nice.
Men usually do it by being nice financially... Specially to her parents.
Women compensate by feeding and taking extra care of his family.
This way the spouse feels indebted to stay in the marriage inspite of being denied the basic rights.....or sometimes it is something as simple as deep guilt.

As for your friend.....since she is no longer looking for intimacy or divorce....she probably needs to find an aim in life other than her work.

Does she have any passions....art,reading ,writing ,music ,social work,spirituality.....anything that she can put her time and focus on .
She needs to find something to focus on.

Is adoption an option ,in case she feels the need to be a mother? 40 is not old for adoption.
Educated couple ,financially comfortable, mature....they will be considered extremely good candidates for adoption.

Last edited: Dec 22, 2018

yellowmango, Dec 22, 2018

yellowmango, Dec 22, 2018

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Dec 22, 2018 #28

lavani Platinum IL'ite

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SinghManisha said: ↑

Lavani, I do not think this is a issue with her looks or treatment of her husband. She always looked up to him and spoke highly of him. Her life revolves / revolved around him. In fact I am really shocked to hear about this . They seemed like a ideal couple.

She is fit and good looking . Though that should not be grounds for denying intimacy.
Click to expand...

well that clarified a lot. and now that seed of feeling desired has grown to a young bud, it will not let her rest now.
she can try marital counselling if that is already hopeless, it is better to separate now.

because this is the start of entering into a depression. whole world will simply blame her anyway, if she in relationship acting depressed or she is alone. it is better to be alone and find her happiness. future is not certain or in stone she may or may not find someone who likes her .

lavani, Dec 22, 2018

lavani, Dec 22, 2018

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Dec 22, 2018 #29

SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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I am wondering do men know about these issues before getting into marriage ? Isn’t physical attraction one of the major criteria when looking to get married? Or do people in arranged marriages not address intimacy prior to getting married ? I don’t have the heart to ask her too many questions of how and why all this happened. My conversations with her are focused on the present and the near future.

She is a person with varied interests , I know and hope she will find a purpose in life.
I discussed adoption with her and she wants to keep her options of leaving the marriage in the future and not be tied to it because of a child.
Thanks for your response yellowmango. Gave me some clarity of her situation because honestly I have been very confused.

yellowmango said: ↑

People who deny something as basic as intimacy in marriage try to compensate by being extra nice.
Men usually do it by being nice financially... Specially to her parents.
Women compensate by feeding and taking extra care of his family.
This way the spouse feels indebted to stay in the marriage inspite of being denied the basic rights.....or sometimes it is something as simple as deep guilt.

As for your friend.....since she is no longer looking for intimacy or divorce....she probably needs to find an aim in life other than her work.

Does she have any passions....art,reading ,writing ,music ,social work,spirituality.....anything that she can put her time and focus on .
She needs to find something to focus on.

Is adoption an option ,in case she feels the need to be a mother? 40 is not old for adoption.
Educated couple ,financially comfortable, mature....they will be considered extremely good candidates for adoption.
Click to expand...

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

SinghManisha, Dec 22, 2018

#29
Dec 23, 2018 #30

Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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SinghManisha said: ↑

discussed adoption with her and she wants to keep her options of leaving the marriage in the future and not be tied to it because of a child.
Click to expand...

Adoption is really a good idea.
Even if she divorces later, she can raise the kid on her own and also child support from her husband . A kid will give her a purpose in life

Sunshine04, Dec 23, 2018

Sunshine04, Dec 23, 2018

#30

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