Help dealing with possessive in-laws

iyerponnu · Jun 16, 2010

Hi all,

I m sure this topic has been bashed about here in this forum. But I felt that I should set my set of circumstances so that I can get advise that pertain to my situation.
I got married 6 years back and moved here to London almost immediately after the wedding. We were there with the in-laws for just over 2 weeks. My DH is the only child and I m the first born daughter in my family. Probably, being the first born of 2 girls I have always considered it my responsibility to look after my parents. (Not that they actually require). As for my in-laws, they are quite well-off (with a huge independent house, as my mom-in-law puts it). My in-laws are quite nice people, anybody who meets them always tell me that I'm quite lucky...so what is my problem?? My problem is that I find them too interfering, too possessive, not just about my DH, but also about me. According to them, I should put them first, (and only then my husband), then my parents. My mom-in-law had a tough time when she was bringing up my husband. My dad-in-law was always out, and u cud say tht she brought up her son single handed. I admire her for that, but cannot stand it when she keeps saying that I should be thankful for that. She expects me to thank her for that everyday. My mum had to face a lot of opposition when my sis and I were growing up. My dad's parents lived with us, and my grand mother was a terror...on the other hand, my mom-in-law did not have any issues with her in-laws. Sometimes I just feel like screaming that every mother would have faced some issue or the other when the children grow up.

My parents don't have sons, but they always say that their sons-in-law are their sons. My in-laws say the same, but if I take the liberty of being a daughter to them, I get the comment,'remember that we are ur in-laws'...They are too formal, and expect the same of us as well. My parents and I are not at all formal, but this seems to be becoming an issue off late...They are very nice people and get along well with my parents, but sometimes very small things seem to create a lot of friction. Likewise, every trip to India becomes a shuttling exercise for me. My mom-in-law can never accept that I need to spend time in my place as well...(she has never been away from her parents, infact her dad lived with my in-laws for nearly 14 years). Everytime before we leave, I tell my husband that I will spend at least a week in my place, he will say yes here, but not open his mouth after we get there. I hardly discuss this issue with him these days, as almost everytime we start talking about this, it ends in us arguing..

I m not sure how to handle this...my parents and in-laws are both equally important to me, and they are all very nice people. But what can I do better to avoid confrontations? I have thought about talking to my mom-in-law to actually tell her how I feel, but have never found the courage to do that...

rajalakshmigopal · Jun 16, 2010

I see the following advantages.

1.You live separately from them

2.They do not create huge issues except these smaller things

3.They are nice to your parents.

It is just the prospective of elders to be respected.Some elders say that frankly and some do not.My suggestion is to ignore this.

Malyatha · Jun 16, 2010

I second Rajalakshmi.

Ignore what your MIL says. Don't ask them how you need to spend your time in your hometown. Just make it clear that you intend to spend time equally with both sets of parents and that's it. No arguments, no debates, no requests. Just a statement, that's it. What are they going to do? Put a gun to your head and drag you to their home???

Just be assertive, my dear. You have every right to spend time at your home with your parents, and, no one, least of all your MIL, should have any say in this state of affairs.

Good luck and enjoy your India trip! :thumbsup

radhaparth2000 · Jun 16, 2010

Well said RG. Things will be better if you consider the +ves and ignore the negatives.

=-

rosegirl · Jun 16, 2010

My inlaws are also like yours possessive about me and DH. When we visit India they want all the importance and we should stay with them always and ideally make a one day trip to my parents house and come home by evening. :drowning

But thats an ideal situation for HER. NOT ME.

So lets only talk about what you want. Not what your MIL wants. Just tell your hubby that " From Oct 21 - Oct 27 I am are going to my parents house" and then catch a train/bus/car and leave. Why are you looking for everybody to sign your leave application. Intimate your DH and LEAVE.

Thats what I do, I tell my DH I am leaving to Chennai on 21 Oct and my parents will come on the 21 Oct and pick me up. Inlaws and DH will keep a long face and act weird, but you know what, I simply dont care. Its my vacation too.

goodluck :thumbsup

Ammu1204 · Jun 17, 2010

Hi,
I can understand you completely bcoz I was in the same position and still is.
My In-laws are very nice people and they don’t interfere into our personal lives at all.
But only problem is I have to start behaving like I don’t care for my family and act like they are my only family.
I guess its becoz that’s how their daughter behaved after she got married in order to keep her inlaws happy.
This may help as its has helped me -whenever we talk of general stuff..I keep talking a lot about my paternal side relatives and my family in general when ever anything related comes up…just like they are part of our life...
This has made my in-laws realize that my family is imp for me and they will hurt me if they object...I have made it clear in very subtle ways.
Also whenever they watch stupid soaps I keep commenting here and there with a smile or joke that nowadays girls are capable to taking care of two families. And that we have enough love inside us to love both families and we don’t have to leave one and then only love another.

sujanags · Jun 17, 2010

Hi,

I felt as if I was reading my story. It's almost 70% true. My MIL was the one who brought up my DH and SIL as my FIL was not able to spend time with family. My parents don't have sons. I have the following which you don't have...

1. I stay with my in-laws. I cook for them and does everything. She is very very possessive over her son and too much interfering.. When I talk to my DH sitting in the living room, she will immediately ask "What did you both talk?". Nothing can be done at home without updating them.

2. My SIL's family also lives in the same block and so you know the interference level is even more. In the initial days of marriage, she only suggested everything and I had to follow. My ideas have never implemented. Situations have been changed little now and atleast now I have rights to say my ideas.

3. Whenever my parents comes here to stay with me for one or two weeks, my in-laws feel unhappy. I am not just saying this. Many times when they were here, my MIL has spoken harsh words to me in front of them. For the past 2 years, she is not talking even a word to my mom by calling them. Only my parents are calling them and she speaks for few mins if she wishes..otherwise no.

With all these, i am still treating my in-laws very well even though there were some misunderstandings due to this. Even though my MIL don't like my parents and hurt me many times, she is still a nice lady as she has many other positive qualities.

Since you are staying far from them, that is the very biggest advantage. So, you need not worry at all. I have wrote such a big story to say that I have all the issues that you mentioned plus some additional things as well. We cannot change their character but we could ignore and proceed. Otherwise we will be stressed thinking all these and spoil peaceful life...

Priya_Mommy · Jun 17, 2010

Dear iyerPonnu,
One thing I just want to highlight rather a universal truth - Parent-In-Laws can't be Parents and similarly Daugter-in-laws can't be Daughters!

The people are still narrowminded, though the families are nuculear and distanced with thousands of miles away and their treatments doesn't change towards DIL's. They look for a Daughter inlaw to be taken for granted and doesn't consider their feelings at all. They may showcase it as love towards you, but can't change their true colors of not accepting a DIL as a daughter.
Try to explain that you wanted to be with your parents too. Schedule the journey in such a way that nobody gets hurt.

radhaparth2000 · Jun 17, 2010

Well said Priya_mommy. My dh always say ' Motherinlaw cannot be mom and daughter inlaw cannot be daughter'. I agree that 100%.

iyerponnu · Jun 18, 2010

Thankyou all people...sometimes it makes it easy to just share it with someone else. I will try and be more assertive...but hte problem with me is, I will not open my mouth when I m there, to avoid issues. But as my mum puts it, however you behave, there will be some issue, esp on the day we are leaving. So why should I worry about this, and come back with a heavy heart..

Thank u again
Mythili