As I take a walk down the memory lane I realize how much I have changed over last few years ( especially after wedding). I embrace the good changes & thankful for the same. My journey has surely made me empathetic, kind & humble than my younger self. At the same time I also miss that younger self who was very outgoing, energetic, confident, bold and was always ready for new experiences. There was almost nothing I couldn’t pull off. High heels, that hot red dress, random performances facing 100s of people, those last minute presentation to the client, handling anything & everything. Even the most toughest of situations and things could be handled at ease. People around me adored my spontaneity on everything and always had my friends and family seek my opinion on things. Honestly I enjoyed that attention, every time I got it right, every time it boost my confidence. I had so much to offer. Today when I look at myself in the mirror. I have lost the spontaneity around everything, I see myself prepping for most simplest things like I am desperate for someone’s approval. This person here is so unrecognizable. I no longer know who I am, what I am going to do & how I would react to a certain situation. The unpredictability about myself is scary. I also dig deeper into my life I realize that living abroad with a 10month old & responsibilities of the household is overwhelming despite having a caring husband who always helps. The biggest hit on my confidence was when I lost my cheerleaders. We all have cheerleaders in life who clap when you do well, push you harder and bring the best out of you. They are most part our family & friends. 4years back when I decided to marry my best friend I wasn’t in love with, all hell broke. My family turned their back on me and cut off all contact ( credits to my toxic controlling mom) and my childhood bestie left (she once had feelings for my husband & I had no idea until we were about to get married). To keep it brief, I was a mommy’s girl who went against her approval so she cut me off fully ( after marriage). On the other hand my so called bestie was so upset I was marrying someone she thinks was not good enough for me and biggest part was that I would be living thousands of miles away in another country. You would normally think as a bestie she would have been happy for me but no I could sense & smell her jealousy. To make things worse she influenced my mom & all our common friends against us. I was broken beyond repair right before my big day. The entire wedding episode was so dramatic and heartbreaking because I really had a small circle of friends whom I really loved and trusted. Each one had their own set of complaints, mostly stating we were dating and never told anyone (which is not true). People were present at the wedding but not really there for us. Long story short I tried to mend things but it seemed like I was only one trying to make peace and save the relationship but on the other hand people were just insensitive towards our feelings. Even after a few visits to India and few meetings things would seem ok for a while and then suddenly it would all return. I just couldn’t handle the negativity. I cut off fully with the entire gang about 2 years ago. Life is so much better! Another huge part of my life is my husband and his family. Yes his family! I say that because after not so pleasant encounters with my family during and before the wedding.. My very cool & sweet MIL changed. She takes that anger out on me. Doesn’t treat me very well, after series of events now we hardly talk. Hubby changed too, all the expressions of love and sensitivity he had as a friend just vanished. I agree that after a few years of marriage things change but this is right after the wedding. In all the chaos I started feeling like this marriage was a huge mistake. I am the only ONE who’s lost. My family cut me off fully, a manipulative childhood friend who can’t think beyond her needs, a MIL who leaves no chance to demean me, a hubby who’s a silent spectator, numb to things at times. I am never ENOUGH. At times he exactly acts like his mom. From a beautiful successful single women who had a career, family and friends. Here I am with no one to share how miserable I feel about my self, still battling my PPD with no career and a baby to care for.. I can’t be in this place mentally! I used to work a year ago, average position n profile but honestly it dint make me feel any different. I do plan to get back to work after a while. I don’t have too many friends here. Few that I have are mostly occupied with their own life and responsibilities. The answers that I am looking for is probably already in my post but my biggest question is.. Am I nothing without my cheerleaders. One look of approval or a small appreciation from my mom would mean everything to me when was I younger. It always pushed me harder to do better in life. I do miss my mom and my friend. They meant so much. Now I feel so worthless. How do I cope?! How do I pull myself back up and make it right for me?! I can’t live like this anymore. Any inputs/thoughts are appreciated. Thanks in advance!