1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Help! Am Lost!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BeingSoulful, Feb 5, 2020.

  1. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    211
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    As I take a walk down the memory lane I realize how much I have changed over last few years ( especially after wedding). I embrace the good changes & thankful for the same. My journey has surely made me empathetic, kind & humble than my younger self. At the same time I also miss that younger self who was very outgoing, energetic, confident, bold and was always ready for new experiences. There was almost nothing I couldn’t pull off. High heels, that hot red dress, random performances facing 100s of people, those last minute presentation to the client, handling anything & everything. Even the most toughest of situations and things could be handled at ease. People around me adored my spontaneity on everything and always had my friends and family seek my opinion on things. Honestly I enjoyed that attention, every time I got it right, every time it boost my confidence. I had so much to offer.


    Today when I look at myself in the mirror. I have lost the spontaneity around everything, I see myself prepping for most simplest things like I am desperate for someone’s approval.

    This person here is so unrecognizable. I no longer know who I am, what I am going to do & how I would react to a certain situation. The unpredictability about myself is scary. I also dig deeper into my life I realize that living abroad with a 10month old & responsibilities of the household is overwhelming despite having a caring husband who always helps. The biggest hit on my confidence was when I lost my cheerleaders. We all have cheerleaders in life who clap when you do well, push you harder and bring the best out of you. They are most part our family & friends.


    4years back when I decided to marry my best friend I wasn’t in love with, all hell broke. My family turned their back on me and cut off all contact ( credits to my toxic controlling mom) and my childhood bestie left (she once had feelings for my husband & I had no idea until we were about to get married). To keep it brief, I was a mommy’s girl who went against her approval so she cut me off fully ( after marriage). On the other hand my so called bestie was so upset I was marrying someone she thinks was not good enough for me and biggest part was that I would be living thousands of miles away in another country. You would normally think as a bestie she would have been happy for me but no I could sense & smell her jealousy. To make things worse she influenced my mom & all our common friends against us. I was broken beyond repair right before my big day. The entire wedding episode was so dramatic and heartbreaking because I really had a small circle of friends whom I really loved and trusted. Each one had their own set of complaints, mostly stating we were dating and never told anyone (which is not true). People were present at the wedding but not really there for us. Long story short I tried to mend things but it seemed like I was only one trying to make peace and save the relationship but on the other hand people were just insensitive towards our feelings. Even after a few visits to India and few meetings things would seem ok for a while and then suddenly it would all return. I just couldn’t handle the negativity. I cut off fully with the entire gang about 2 years ago. Life is so much better!

    Another huge part of my life is my husband and his family. Yes his family! I say that because after not so pleasant encounters with my family during and before the wedding.. My very cool & sweet MIL changed. She takes that anger out on me. Doesn’t treat me very well, after series of events now we hardly talk. Hubby changed too, all the expressions of love and sensitivity he had as a friend just vanished. I agree that after a few years of marriage things change but this is right after the wedding.


    In all the chaos I started feeling like this marriage was a huge mistake. I am the only ONE who’s lost. My family cut me off fully, a manipulative childhood friend who can’t think beyond her needs, a MIL who leaves no chance to demean me, a hubby who’s a silent spectator, numb to things at times. I am never ENOUGH. At times he exactly acts like his mom.


    From a beautiful successful single women who had a career, family and friends. Here I am with no one to share how miserable I feel about my self, still battling my PPD with no career and a baby to care for.. I can’t be in this place mentally! I used to work a year ago, average position n profile but honestly it dint make me feel any different. I do plan to get back to work after a while. I don’t have too many friends here. Few that I have are mostly occupied with their own life and responsibilities.

    The answers that I am looking for is probably already in my post but my biggest question is.. Am I nothing without my cheerleaders. One look of approval or a small appreciation from my mom would mean everything to me when was I younger. It always pushed me harder to do better in life. I do miss my mom and my friend. They meant so much.

    Now I feel so worthless. How do I cope?! How do I pull myself back up and make it right for me?! I can’t live like this anymore. Any inputs/thoughts are appreciated.


    Thanks in advance!
     
    Loading...

  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,177
    Likes Received:
    1,419
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @beingmom I’m sorry you lost out important people in your life . Is it possible to reconnect with your mom ? Grandchildren makes a big difference in relationship. So why not try that ?
    Childhood friend you should probably let it go. Considering she had feelings for your husband that relationship might be toxic for both of you
     
    BeingSoulful likes this.
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    You are clearly very overwhelmed..because you're living abroad, not working, dont have emotional support from H or anyone else and have small baby to take care of..and still not recovered from postpartum depression...
    Your relationship with your mother and husband are first priority now...give it some time they will come around...its just been 4 years of your marriage
    ..anyway friends do drift apart and everyone will be too busy with their own lives, you can make new friends and they would reconcile with you later when they're older and more mature...
    Life abroad is not easy for a new mom as the hormonal changes along with sleepless nights and loneliness along with domestic chores piling up when you cant have domestic helps can drive you crazy sometimes...u need to take some time out for yourself and love yourself as a person rather than seeking approval if others...once your baby is older and you get back to work you wont have time to brood...
    Just talk to your mother now and then, share pics of your baby with her...dont try too hard to get her approval...she will slowly come around..
     
    BeingSoulful and SinghManisha like this.
  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    543
    Likes Received:
    706
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    reading your story I think you are a woman who is capable of a lot of things. Since you have a rough patch with your family, don’t brood over it. But they are family and you can reach out to them, rekindling your relationships. As parents grow old, they may get tougher or softer. So if you do reach out to them be ready to face whatever comes that way.

    As for that friend, she was not really a friend since she didn’t support you. Stop crying over her. Be thankful for the moments you had with friends and family and move on. You can still make other great friends, you will find them. In short, move on from where you are right now. IMO, find your own happiness; other people will come to you. If you are stay home mom, try to get out once a day, find other moms club or go to local library. Local churches or groups are a great way to find other people.

    When you live abroad, your friendship depends on how much effort you can put into it. Don’t expect other people to praise you or help you. You will have to find happiness in the independence. Have the courage to help yourself. All worries you wrote down might be your PPD talking. Seek medical help, if that is the case. Above all give it time. Do all you can do to take care of yourself, it will be paid back.
     
  5. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    907
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Nice advice...that's what even I wanted to convey to OP...
     
    BeingSoulful and Angela123 like this.
  6. rainchild

    rainchild New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi OP!

    I have faced this feeling and loss of cheerleaders and confidence too. This is what our world does to bright and talented women - it has nothing to do with you but to do with society. One thing I have noticed - people follow each other blindly. If one had an opinion they all begin to follow that opinion - whether husband or mom or brother - but even friend? Also if you were a golden girl before people love to bring you down because they then get the spotlight that you were used to having and they can tell themselves ‘see she was not so great after all - look at her now - I was only better’. This is human nature and even our closest ones feel this way. After struggling really hard for many years from a similar situation (though the particulars and not the same, it all started after marriage) - I have learned the tough lesson that YOU and YOU alone must be your own best friend.
     
  7. rainchild

    rainchild New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    My post was too long so I made it in 3 parts:
    part 2:
    It is not easy and we women are never ever taught to put ourselves anywhere on the map - leave alone first- but you must at times in order to survive and then one day thrive. Write down positive words about yourself and read them aloud every morning and evening. Keep checking your head for thoughts that criticize yourself and catch the thoughts and change them to positive, loving and praising.
     
  8. rainchild

    rainchild New IL'ite

    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    9
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Part 3:


    Reach out to those around you - no matter how different - never give up because there are many moms like us, lost suffering and brilliant who desperately need support. We can support each other! Take time to dress beautifully even if you know no one will notice. People do notice! And you notice. Respect yourself and ignore as much as you can all the words and people who don’t. Think in your mind -‘I will be right in the end. I made the right decisions based on my best judgement and information and I lived my best life despite all the challenges and short sighted, harsh judgements of my ‘family’.’ I am sure you took your decision for a very good reason - you are here in US now and there are a million opportunities though you cannot see them right now - they are there and your wise self knew to put yourself in this position. Don’t imagine other’s lives are so perfect, smooth and love filled. Life is tough for most of us at one point or the other and people hide their suffering - specially they can on social media and through internet - since you cannot see their real expressions and their everyday faces. Your baby is 10 months! It is a transition phase from when they were infants to becoming a toddler. As mom you are also in that transition - realizing there is more to life, glimpsing that baby is becoming slightly, very slightly more independent. Now is the phase to go out and make friends! All moms with new toddlers are trying to come out of their cocoon, trying to spread their wings, eager to make friends. Reach out and find them and form your new family. Your new cheerleaders and do the same for them. We can do this if we do it together! Take care, and you are a wonderful, talented and beautiful soul. You will shine again - there is so much more life to live!

    thanks for reading :)
     
  9. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    211
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Honestly I am very hesitant to take my baby to mom’s place. After seeing so much resentment and rejection from her last few years on multiple occasions. I am not sure if I can handle her bitterness for my child. What if she doesn’t behave (she insulted me at a cousin’s wedding I n front of 100s of ppl last time). More than being hurt, my bigger fear is incase she doesn’t treat my child properly I may never be able to convince myself to try and mend the relationship again. I may just give up.
     
  10. BeingSoulful

    BeingSoulful Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    170
    Likes Received:
    211
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you for your kind words. I have been sharing baby pics and videos with her. Hopefully this time we visit India, things will be different. I am hoping & praying too.
     

Share This Page