Help/advise??

mistsofusa · Jun 10, 2011

We just found our we're pregnant and were so excited about it. My parents have come from India to stay with us and will be here for another month. Our due date is next year.

The problem however started because I started putting on weight. I'm not sure how to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Since last week, I kept noticing my dad staring at my chest. At first I thought I was imagining it. But he does it even in front of my mom and its not just a glance. I am so completely horrified and embarassed. I talked to hubby and he says its a normal reflex for guys to do that. BUT THIS IS MY FATHER! I am in my first trimester so I'm weepy, nauseous and depressed anyway and this is just adding to the stress. I don't know what to do. I just stay in my room and avoid them as much as I can and only go into the kitchen etc when they are not around.

I tried asking for advise on another forum, but asking them to go stay in a hotel is not an option. Plus they cannot change their tickets and they will be here for another month and if I confront him about it, it will be a VERY awkward month. And now the kicker is that after mom found out about the pregnancy, they're looking into tickets to come back at the time of delivery and I really don't want them to and I tried to tell her, but she just won't listen (because they hate staying with my sibling).

My mother is the type who will say its all in my head so I can't talk to her. I just want this to stop but I don't know what to do, how to deal with it and I am tired of being stressed out about it. He's my father, how can be behave like this? If I ask him, what do we do for the next few weeks if it gets all awkward. If I tell them more directly not to come next year, I'll be all alone here for my delivery since my inlaws have already told us they are very happy but not to expect them to come and help. Our friends here are very casual acquaintances and nobody helped us when we needed it.

What do I do?

smart_soul · Jun 10, 2011

This seems to be strange but are you sure you are not over-reading stuff? He may just be looking at you and the fact the you are getting more and more conscious about your increasing boob size may be a factor.

If not, why don't you wear a stoll or a duppatta or shawl. Like when at home, wear a casual salwar with duppatta and when going out wear a stoll over your western outfit. And find out if he still sees the same way or if you are just imagining things.

About your parents coming back, you probably need help during delivery and may be hard to manage things alone if you decide to make them stay back. So during their stay this time, assess the situation and decide.

Also casually check with him and casually talk to him like "Why are you seeing me like that pappa?? Do look any different? No matter what I'm always your daughter".

Good Luck!!

mistsofusa · Jun 10, 2011

Thank you for your reply smart_soul. I wouldn't have posted here asking for advise if I wasn't sure and had not already done the shawl/dupatta thing. My husband has noticed it too. Unfortunately this is the reason why I haven't told my mom because she would have the same reaction as you did and ask whether I was overreacting/ making things up in my head. This is way too creepy for me to make up in my head and my husband would not have noticed it too if I was overreacting

I wear a dupatta or a shawl every single day, even though it makes the heat here worse and makes me throw up more. But it has still not stopped his glances. I'm worried about insulting him or not saying it right, if I try to confront him about it or ask what he's doing, because he has always had a huge ego and since they will be here for another month, I'm really not sure how to avoid the awkwardness that will ensue.

I do however realize its hard to believe, it sure was for me. I guess I'll just have to figure this one out on my own. However I do have to remind people that a lot of abuse cases.. not that this is one... go on for a long time because people around that person have the same reaction as this. Of not believing that person or insinuating that they must be over reacting or reading too much into things. It happened to a friend of mine who was abused as a kid/teen and who ended her life because nobody believed her when she mentioned it to her parents. I know I'm not thinking too much because I am living it every single day. I guess all I can do now is pray this stops.

Rakhii · Jun 10, 2011

If praying will stop him from looking at you, this would have stopped a long time ago isn't it? I am so sorry to hear about this.
I think the more you keep quite the more this will continue. Trust me, I am in 4th month and breasts only keep getting bigger by the day.

My suggestion would be to confront. Don't ask him about this right now but next time he is staring at your breasts, ask him directly, "daddy what are you starting at? my face is up here...what are you staring at just now?"
This for sure will embarrass him. This way you are not directly blaming him but pretty much catching him red handed. If he says that he is looking at your face only, then say, "no..you were not looking at my face. Both of us know this and I don't like this at all"...and then walk away from there no matter what you were doing.

If the situation is awkward, so be it. Its better than he staring at your breast while you breastfeed after delivery.
This is your house and no one...absolutely no one has a right to make you feel uncomfortable..that too, by staring at your breasts. Dont keep quite. Please confront.

If they do end up coming for your delivery, remember that you would be breastfeeding at that time. His abuse will continue if you dont stop this now. Dont be afraid. I cant even imagine how much this is hurting you because its your father who is behaving this way. But what can I say dear, some men are just ...never mind.

Dont worry about it being awkward. As of now you are already avoiding him. So, confront next time he stares and then continue avoiding.

Reg being alone during delivery...can you arrange only for your mom to come? You can make an excuse like you cant afford 4 adults and a baby together. or something like that.

hridhaya · Jun 10, 2011

Hi there,

I cannot think of good solution to this problem other than giving him some household work or telling him to go for a walk/library/read books/TV or engage him in phone talks so that it will keep him occupied for some time.

About their revisit to US, would it work if you tell your mom alone to come back during your delivery and your dad could stay back in India? you may need to think of some reasons that might convince them.

Also try giving him strong looks or change your tone when he does that. Hope he gets the message. I know this is a tough case to fight when the close family member is behaving indecently. If he is good natured at heart, you can talk to him separately. No need to feel shamed as it involves your life.

Best of luck.

smart_soul · Jun 11, 2011

Ok.. My earlier post was not intended to not believe you or anything. I just wanted to clarify your certainity over this since it is very sensitive :-( If you are double sure about whats happening, then I second Rakhii.
Confront him when he sees you like that. And make sure he knows that you know the way he sees you.

No matter how egoistic/non-egoistic he may be, it will certainly take him aback. But you can atleast put or try to put a full stop on this issue. And don't worry about the heat this may cause, it will eventually settle down. It's better to get things on black and white and stay at peace during your pregnancy than to meddle with the same issue day in and out.

You can try these..
1. Like I said in my earlier post in front of everyone, when he sees you like that tell him "Pappa, do I look way too different in this early stage of my preg. The way you look at me makes me uncomfortable. No matter what,I'm your daughter pappa" - in a smooth tone

2. Like Rakhii said, straight away confront him in front of your DH and mom and just walk away from there.

I can understand how uncomfortable you feel. So the only option is voicing it out - cool or hot - whichever you choose.