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Hello ladies...need advice!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Weasly, Feb 28, 2015.

  1. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Hello you awesome ladies out there, I am in need of your advice again. We were planning to go to India in the next 15 days (but deep down I knew that some panga or issue my inlaws will create while i am over there or after we come back, but they exceeded my expectation by creating issue before we have started packing our stuff.) As you know they have been very rude to me from the day i got married, humiliated my parents, specially my mother. They dont give me or my parents any respect but expect all kinds of respect in return. They did not even call my father after he had a major accident to ask about his well being but expect them to call them. I asked my father o stop calling them after that incident (especially because my fil was more worried dh having to spend money now to send me to India if my father was in a critical condition). They are always worried only about money. People should just spend on them and always e under their thumb for they have taken great care of their sons ( like we toh our orphans, our parents donated us to church to take care). All kinds of worldy respect they want while my mil n fil will not call or respect anyone.

    Anyways so dh booked the tickets and both international and domestic. Its been 2 years of marriage, I expect at-least some level of independence of making decisions and expected them to be okay with it (and how naive am I, but I knew they will do drama about that). So dh sent them the itinerary of our visit and I waited patiently for the bomb to explode. And explode it did....

    Dh took this call in my absence as he was away but he told me about this, about what all they said. All rude comments. Things like he is not a good son. He did not ask them before booking domestic flights about when to go to my place, (when we consulted my mil after marriage about when to go to my place, she said there is not auspicious days so you wont go, and she is saying the same now also as I had expected, knowing this me and dh had decided to book the tickets without asking). Then they also have been trying to stalk me on fb and whatnot, to try and keep a tab on my activities. I have never felt more violated in my life. Dh said he is used to it , they have done this to him also. Somewhere my uncle had asked when are we coming to India, and I might have replied to him that maybe in the mid of the year(like you generally tell anyone when you are planning to come), so now they feel that we knew about are plans from 3 months back but are telling them right now because we dont respect. They questioned my and dh's relationship, saying he dsnt keep me in check and dsnt control me like a husband should. And lots of other things like we dint ask their permision before booking tickets. My parents dint call them to ask about sending me.(I have asked my parents not to call them anymore, because I dont know when they will say something rude and bad and if they hurt my parents once more I will totally lose it and probably end the marriage). And also i was planning to come back to inlaws place before coming back to US, and they said what is the need to come back before going, to show us stuff she got from her parents. They even said that there is no need to come to dh and a lot of other stuff and rude remarks about my parents. I m so furious at them I might jst explode myself. My parents are so happy about this trip but all his parents do is create more and more issues.

    Dh is very upset with them and said its like they are forcing us to cut ties with them. I have never felt more outrage in my life. Dh is considering cancelling the plan and sending me to my parents to visit them and come back as I haven't seen them for 2 years after marriage. Or if we go we will have standing reservation in a hotel so that we can leave their place if it become unbearable.

    What do u ladies advise I should do now? If we do go show do you think I should behave with them? I have half a mind of showing them their true face and the bitter truth about their personality, but then I dont want to hurt dh who has always supported me. He dsnt aggressively defend me but he supports me, which is okay, i dont want him to disrespect his parents either. But the situation is so bad right now, I dont know how to behave with them. Please advice ladies.

    There is more but right now I am just too angry to write anything else. Apologies for the long post.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Honestly, your in-laws seem to be spoiling for a fight.
    Whether you go to their place or not they are planning to be unhappy and ruin others' vacation as well.The big plus for you is that your DH sees that their behavior is unreasonable and is not forcing you to put up with their nonsense.
    Don't cancel your travel plans. IMO, you should both just visit your parents separately. If things calm down you can visit your ILs very briefly, for a day or two. If this means getting more abuse and bhashans then avoid it. If your DH can manage it, he can perhaps visit you at your parents' place or you can all take a trip somewhere.
    But by all means go see your parents. Think of it as just having more time to spend with them if you don't have to divide up your trip.
     
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  3. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you @MalStrom for the supporting words. All this has spoiled our moods so much that dh has a constant frown on his face. He dsnt show it but he is deeply hurt ! Ill talk to him about what you have suggested. Thanx
     
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  4. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    Why do you need to visit your in laws at all if they can't be happy simply for the fact that you've both come after all this time? It's your vacation, it's your money you're spending and you should feel good about how you spend your time and money, right? Why bother spending the most precious of it — time — with those who don't appreciate it? Where is that obligation going to get you?

    You don't go around mistreating others and expect others to come running after you. That just reinforces bad behavior. And mistreating your parents? That's intolerable. I'm glad your DH is more understanding. Love him for that.
     
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  5. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    You are so right @HasteRaho !! They take us for-granted so much. I dont know how they are still in that world that because they are the boy's parents they are Gods and can say anything to anyone! Not one kind word she has said to me after marriage but expectations from me are so much. in a 15 day trip I was staying 6 days with them, and 7 with my parents, and dh would have stayed for 2 days at my place but nothing is acceptable to my mil. she wants me stay with her(dont know why though, dsnt like me still wants me to stay) and take a trip with them to some travel destination nearby.......IN 15 DAY TRIP....how is that ossible...when will i visit my parents then!! I am just tired of all this drama everytime we plan anything.
     
  6. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Weasly - calm down.
    Just go as per the original plan (more for sake of your nice H). Just pretend and avoid confrontation as much as you can. Dont change the plan to go to your parents place. Just keep the original plan, avoid confrontation at IL place, and enjoy stay at ur parents. Count to 20 if ever you get irked and if IL confront you - say an excuse and go to a different room etc.
    Have a good time while at your parents place! and dont alter that plan due to mil/fil.
     
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  7. Weasly

    Weasly Gold IL'ite

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    Thank u @Ragini25 for the advice !! I am just so upset right now, 2 years after marriage I was planning to meet my parents and little sister who has just joined her job and was planning on talking to her about her future plans!
    15 more days are left before we fly , lets see what more the inlaws can talk about and spoil the relationship further. :( :(
     
  8. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    Strange though, it seems it's common in many households. These kind of people never ever understand and don't want to understand. As your DH is on your side, now you both have to drive the message loud and clear to them that you are married, independent and mature enough to have your own life as you want.

    No point fighting with them and also no point worrying about it anymore. Tell them that you respect them for their age and the relationship and they don't deserve anything else other than these 2 factors. Patching up with them is never going to help. Also their nature being so they would keep resorting to such stupidity even if you please them.

    Have a chat with your dh and jointly express your concerns to them and enjoy your vacation as per plan. Don't confront or patch up - just ensure that you are not dumb anymore and would not tolerate any further.
     
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  9. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    just missed seeing the word "ladies" - sorry for that - please do skip my response.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Short term solution.....Keep to the original programme unless some dhamaka happens.If they continue this nonsense....tell husband to 'send ' you to parents place earlier saying something like"we have come for a few days and don't want to spend it listening to complains only...so I am sending her to her parents place earlier...why should both suffer?"

    Long term
    ....It is sometimes better to be a bit curt and rude once or twice....rather than having the same bitterness every time.Next time they say you didn't ask us or take permission...you husband should just tell me...."It is not your decision to make...we are adults and don't need permission to live a life"....if they say you don't respect say..."respect does not mean saying yes for everything."

    Please block them from FB(after you return back)....tell them it causes bitterness because they miss represent casual conversations....and you don't want silly things to spoil your relationship .Period.

    Good you stopped your parents from taking nonsense.
     
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