Heartless, Insensitive, Cheap husband...is it worth working on this relation?

puppet · Dec 4, 2010

Hi

I friends I am back again to get some advice…I tried to communicate with you all through my last two posts but have’nt heard back much. I would really request you to read my posts and guide me (http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/116942-am-i-being-used-taken.html; http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/117652-need-help-and-advice.html).
Ours was a love marriage and during that time while discussing my prioritoies with him i always used to tell him that I hate couples fighting or arguing in frnt of a 3rd person…not once but many times!! I married this guy when he did not even have a job for his sake as his dad was getting retired and wanted one of his kids to get married before that. I have supported him right from day one and helped him pay off 15 lakhs of loan in first year! treat his parents and family like mine....My first black phase with him was right after marriage, people call it honeymoon phase when in frnt of his family he was a total stranger to me...mind u we dated fr 3 long years. On my last india trip (2 months back) he humiliated me at several occassions....

1) there was some path at home and when people were having food i went to my parents to ask if they wanted anything....mind u i did all the work since morning and attended all the guests...he standing in langar hall came to me and started arguing with me that why i stood with them, i was behaving normally so that no scene is created..then someone came and said why are you fighting here

2) It was his bday and i had conference in Goa on that day. I arranged a goa trip for entire family. It was the first time they were travelling by plane, my idea...as his gift for his bday where I wanted everyone to have a good time with us.I was very busy with conference and knew nothing abt the place and yet after talking to several people managed to get boquet and cake for him. Tried my best to make sure everyone in family was enjoying every evening i returned back despite being excessively tired after standing all day.....Everyone from my family ad inlaws of my siblings called him to wish him bday, his parents never do that for my siblings or their spouses and all he has to say is they are simple and honestly i do not mind.....he at the airport while we were taking flight back said my nephew (who is in boarding, was having exams and is in class 5) did not wish him. His pitch was so high and his dad was sitting with us in the lounge and there were people sitting behind us, he started saying all irelevant things to me. when i said dad will hear , he said he does not care

3) Some of my close relatives kept calling me and i kept lingering to talk to them as i knew that they would ask abt my hubby and if he refuses i would be embarassed in front of them on phone...one fine morning i requested my hubby that can you talk on phone at 3 places. My relatives have been calling just hi/hello......he flatly refused and i had tears in my eyes. he literally started yelling at me in frnt of his parents, that his dad never talks to his momz parents and so they will speak bad about him. After that I had a terrible headache and he said nakhre karne chod de!! On the contrary i talked to every single person in the relatives.

These are just 3...there were so many other ocassions as well.Now here is this man my husband ....to help him i went against society, sacrificed my dreams and always tried to be his right hand and slowly and slowly he is crushing everything i have in me....Now after coming to Canada he is trying to behave normally with me...as if nothing happended. I have not talked to him properly from 2 months and its the first time this has happended in our relation ...he has not discussed anything with me and blames me that i am stretching things....what am i suppose to do...i really need ur help

puppet · Dec 7, 2010

Hi Friends

Is there anything wrong with this post?I tried getting some good advice and help through it..but no one replied I am no sure whether the gist of the matter is not conveyed properly or what...Would await your reply.

Thanks!

kma · Dec 7, 2010

Hi puppet,

It feels sad to read your post. So basically you earn more than him, is it? Do you think he feels insecure because of it and tries to show in front of others that he is the one who is in control of the marriage etc? Other than the times when he is in India, how is his behavior with you?

If it is only in India he behaves like this, maybe you can ignore it for the time being. If he is like this through out, you need to take some hard decisions and be more careful with your money.

ilovelife · Dec 7, 2010

Dear Puppet.. you are soo well balanced and confident person. and paying 15 lakhs of loan inspite of knowing you are not getting the respect what you deserve is reallly great.. the name puppet doesnt suit you at all..

from the details you provided i feel your husband is insecured, he might have felt that if he starts appreciating all you are doing you might be on the upper hand.. he knows that you are doing much more then what a wife is expected to do..

but since you are saying that after moving to canada he is behavin normally i think you need to give him time here. and dont do anything extra for him like buying things for him, his parents to make them feel happy etc.. i am saying this because the care and money you are spending on them might make him feel that you are doing things which he is not capable of doing, or not thought of and he takes it against his ego..

infact at my home my husband is very responsible and takes care of everything at home what a man should do,... but he is lazy if his father asks him to get something urgently , he will take atleast 2 or 3 weeks to act on it.. but i am not like that , if i want something i want that to be completed soon, so couple of times when his dad asked him to get an electronic gadget which would cost more but was an urgent necessitty at home, i just went and bought it myself and my inlaws were happy, but i expected my husbnd will also be happy for what i did for his parents but the reaction was totally different.. he was saying whatever i bought was not an updated version and i waste money on it.. he would have bought a better one and i should have waiited for him to get it..

its the same reaction i get whenever i buy gifts for him, things to home etc.. initially i used to cry , feel low with his reactions.. now i have stoped buying anything for home, except groceries and thing on day to day requirments, and regarding gift i just gift him, no expections that he says somthing good about it..

i might not have given you soution but just felt like sharing my thought..

Rakhii · Dec 7, 2010

This was the problem even I faced in our first India trip. Even my DH was acting a bit weird and that caught me off guard. I tried talking to my DH about a few things but nothing got sorted out until we came back home.
It could be due to his ego about you taking care of him financially. Did you try talking to him about this issue which has been bothering you?

puppet · Dec 8, 2010

Thanks Gals

I am really unsure of what to do. I have really loved and trusted this person with all my heart and honestly I never had any problems with his earning less than me or paying off his loans as for me we were "one"...now the issue is one part of me says "yes i love him and i have to make it work" and the second says ..".haven't you made enuf fool out of urself...cant u see"....

Yes after coming back from India he has once again been nice to me ....i had some bladder infection and he took good care of me.I wonder now..is he using me as a support system, he is good only when he needs me and when he is with his folks he treats me like his slave. I am totally unsure of what should be done. As it is we are living in different cities and have hardly lived together after marriage. Job market is so bad that its not wise to take risk of leaving job .....in an attempt to go and live with him to make things work between us

We meet on weekends and i do not fight but have not been able to talk in a normal way with him either. On the weekdays from morning till night these thoughts hover my mind...making me depressed and sad...Life sucks, it really does and there is no one i can share my problems with

ilovelife · Dec 8, 2010

Dont worry dear, hugs to you for all your efforts in facing this life... and dont think that you dont have anyone to share. you can share it here. and you know what now indusladies is my best friend.. sometimes you need not even post somthing just read the stories of our other frineds and we get our answers.

Financial independence for a person like you is very important.. but just to find if your husband is really trying to make use of you as support system just tell him that, you are thinking to quit the job as you feel that your marital relation is put on stake for your job and reforming your relationship is important for you.. and see his reaction ?

but i will tell you be happy with everything you have.. in life we keep thinking about what we dont have rather what we have much more than others. you can see many posts within this forum where our friends do not have financial independence for several resons like H4 visa and they are completely controlled.. i have read a post where a friend says her husband ask her to give an account for even 5$, can you imagine..

you have to sit and speak to your husband on your life, relationship , it should be a straight forword conversation and not with tears,. if girls start crying they cant convey what they want to tell and it will lead to more differences. try mailing him first and then talk face to face.. i think we can still hope for some change in yoru relationship as you still love him and even he is dependent on you for several things..ALL THE BEST. GOD BLESSS and keep smiling

chocolate · Dec 8, 2010

Puppet,You need to draw a line somewhere.Money is the biggest reason marriages fall apart. You need to sit down and draw a budget. DONT OVERDO IT!!.Even to IL's there shud be some limit you can do to them too. Dont make your husband boss over you just becoz he is your husband and he feels entitled to it.Be it here or in India. Walk away if he starts and if it continues just tell him in a firm tone not to do it.

Just to keep peace and want the marriage to work dont overdo anything. I know we women tend to go an extra mile for anything to avoid confrontations and problems. But the point is how much is too much and how much is just enuf.We shud seek a balance in just enuf for matters which will make our husbands see as a potential satisfier in that regard. Money in your case. Your husband sees you as a satisfier for his family and it will continue if you dont draw the line and say lets do it together.The point is your husband and IL's shudnt stand on your feet and dry you out.Think about this. Good Luck.

puppet · Dec 10, 2010

Thanks everyone for your valuable advice and support. Unfortunately the topic of money came in at a very early point in our marriage. Never did I want to step back to help him fulfill his dreams and responsibilities but his bringing it up on iur first night was very hurtful and then soon came another shocker "you can't help your parents as that doesnt happen in our family".....watever steps i took before marriage going completely against our indian society, just to help him were easily forgotten.

And now what really adds greatly to the problems is ...his being so disrespectful in front of his family...his blaming me even when I am right, his judging my parents at every single step/overeating if anything goes wrong and his lying when his parents are wrong just to put them right in front of me.....basically absence of truthfulness and principles which have been extremely important to me.

I am so pissed off right now....I need advice on how to handle things. Should I vent out everything, which i doubt i would be able to handle without crying or going hysterical as i m extremely hurt right now.....or adopt patience ...trying giving him happiness and then bring the point across.....after everything is this even worth an effort when he is taking me for granted?

@ilovelife If I ask him about leaving my job i know he would not refuse, but after leaving if anything goes wrong i know he will blame me....

I really want to be happy, smile rather than leaving this kind of miserable life........

Once again gals cant thank u enuf for your support & Suggestions!

Rakhii · Dec 10, 2010

Puppet, you shouldn't wait for too long before you make your stand clear to him. I wouldnt think it is advisable even to attempt saying something like, 'shall I quit the job'. If he says 'yes', you will have to quit the job. At this point of time we all need to have financial independence.

Is it possible for you to make him sit and tell him that you have a problem? You can talk about all the promises he made before marriage (like not fighting in front of 3rd person) etc? Remind him every little promise he had made. tell him that you are deeply hurt because of all the things you mentioned below. Ask him what solution he is willing to offer. Tell him respect goes both ways.

I know, everything is easier said than done. I myself struggle at times to communicate with my DH. See if it helps if you take every single thing openly.