headless stubborn Wife

I don't understand that if the relationship was in doldrums right from the initial stage...how did they land up having a child.

Without emotinal compatibility how can you move on in life for long. Marriage is an instituin of understnading and adjustments. If you both are going to hurt each other...imagine what your kid is gonna go thru in such an atmosphere.

Sorry for being upfront....but in a marriage the couple need to bond well first and then think of a child.

 

Hi Manya,

I had 3 full term pregnancies.

All the 3 times normal delivery.

But I never behaved or did anything that u have mentioned or like others have mentioned here.I haven't seen anyone like this for that matter.

Hormonal changes are just an excuse.

It can be to some extent.but not this much weird.

Being a female If I were in ur place I would have sent her to India immediately.

If your wife prefers going to India than staying with you then let her.


If u will not take a decision right now u will be like this forever in this relation.And everyone will talk like this forever.

If u don't want to send her then send ur parents to India.
Stop talking with ur wife completely.But provide everything she needs now.


And cut all the connections for her to reach her parents.

No phone calls, no chatting,etc.Give some excuse like problem with network or something.

It may sound sadistic but this is not for torturing her but she will start thinking on her own instead of following her parents all the time.

when u believe in someone blindly u will just do whatever they say and whatever they believe in.she believes in her parents and is doing what they r telling her to do.
But will never use ur brain to think what is right or what is wrong.
I think ur wife is going thru the samething.
If she really loves you then she 'll surely change and will try to understand the situation.
otherwise send her to India she will learn there that she belongs to u.
Because once a lady gets married and goes back to her moms place by fighting with her husband no one has respect for her and parents too cannot keep her with them.
How long will they keep her ?
Tell them bluntly that u don't want her..
Don't show any soft corner for anyone.If someone wants to reach u cut the phone connection immediately.
Don't try to entertain anyone. With this everyone will be tuned.
If u still want to be in the same boat just continue what u have been doing till now.
But I am sure that very few people will be there here who really listen to ur problems others will blame YOU.
And those few people will also stop responding to ur queries 'coz from ur side there is neither any action nor any progress

All the best
Veda

 

Hi Manyamanya,

First of all congrats on your baby!

Second of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how many no-no's you have committed...My God man! Give your wife a break! Seriously. Listen to your wife's ob//gyn doctor please and let your wife be present while you are discussing her.

Your parents OR you are NOT doctors. I'm amazed at the way you have gone about treating your wife during her delivery. First time deliveries are more often than not quite long. Your wife wanted to have a normal delivery and was willing to suffer the labor pains for so long. Instead of appreciating that, all you can do is complain. Instead of holding her hand during her time of need, all you and your relatives can do is complain. It tells me a lot about you, believe me.

I did not read one word about the DOCTOR suggesting a C-section. It was always you or your parents trying to force your wife. Are you studying medicine?? or are an authority on breach or C-section??

A C-section is not supposed to be elective thing, but rather a NEED based thing.

Labor pains are HORRIBLE. But a lot of women are BRAVE enough to try to go via the normal delivery route BECAUSE it is considered the best for the baby. If the doctor himself/herself asked your wife to come back when the pains were 3 min apart, that means he/she did not think there was a need for C-section at THAT point of time.

You said that " I and my parents advised my wife to go for C-section as she cannot sustain pains. ", but isn't this premise false?? Because your wife DID sustain pains..and believe me, those are TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE pains!! for so MANY days!!

Your comment about your wife opting for an epidural causing damage to her body is sooo ignorant and uncalled for. I think you are blindly listening to your relatives and your anger and frenzied thought process is coming out of that. Lakhs of women take epidural and it is NOT a bad thing, unlike what you think. Again, before judging your wife and finding her wanting, check with her doc on the medical questions that you are so freely deciding about.

Then on top of that you were fighting with your wife even in the labor room !!

Your wife NEEDS people who CARE for her right now. Not people who are judging and criticizing her constantly. Of course she wanted to take care of her child after her release! She went through SO much pain for her baby (in your own words one whole week). ANY mother would want to do that. Even if she is not able to, she will try at least. Is that sentiment SO beyond you or your relatives??

Your wife is physically and emotionally exhausted right now after a difficult labor. The baby must be giving her sleepless nights and breast feeding must be making her weak. These 2 jobs - taking care of the baby and making milk to give to her little one are both taxing ones. So give her some emotional support and don't keep telling that whatever she is doing is wrong etc etc.

Here are some of my final thoughts on this issue:-

(1) STOP picking a bone about each and every small thing

(2) Tell your relatives to STOP talking to your wife in this way "are you educated or Not when she was not eating anything in hospital". A woman who has just given birth DOES NOT, repeat DOES NOT need to hear this kind of mean and uncaring statement.

(3) Your wife does not get along with your parents. So STOP trying to force her to go and stay with them. How would you feel if YOU were asked to stay with your MIL for several months?? You couldn't even stomach her presence with you for a few weeks so that she could help her daughter during pregnancy and delivery!!

(4) Your mom does not become a servant just because she is helping you and your wife after her grandchild's birth. Most new born moms want to take their own decisions about their babies. So just because your mom is not getting to dictate here, doesn't mean she start criticizing your wife.

See, this is the chief reason so many of us had advised you to bring your wife's mom here for the delivery. You have given 2 hoots about your wife's feeling in ALL of this.

If you are really serious about living happily with your wife in future, start dictating less and discussing things with her more.

Aarushi

PS: For Veditha09 and others discounting post partum depression and harmonal changes in a woman's body during and after pregnancy - Just because you have had uncomplicated pregnancies or no post partum depression does not mean that it doesn't happen to others. One of the first things my ob/gyn asked a few days after the birth was "how was I feeling". I had to answer a ton of questions relating to whether or not I could be suffering from PPD. This is NOT A JOKE. Women actually SUFFER from this. So just because you have been lucky enough not to get it DOES NOT MEAN that it does not exist.

Veditha09 - Please Do NOT give advise like " cut all the connections for her to reach her parents. No phone calls, no chatting,etc.Give some excuse like problem with network or something." His wife has enough on her plate to handle right now...the kind of treatment you are advocating is bordering on abusive...

Check out the federal government's website on women's health - Postpartum Depression.

If harmones were so easy to discount - there would not be PMS or Menopause depression either. So please do not give medical advise when you are not qualified. It could really harm a woman who is already in distress and need of support and not more judging and criticizing.

 

Hi Nandshyam,

I am not sure if you have kids or not. If you don't have any kids I don't think you have any clue on what goes on after delivery. Nor do I believe you are trained gynecologist or a psychiatrist or endocrinologist. If you don't believe hormones have any effect on a person's psyche a number of endocrinologists would be without jobs. So please hold your layman's opinion. Hormonal changes are real and absolutely treatable. I know this from MY personal experience.

After my delivery my husband had an imbalance with his thyroid. An extremely loving and caring husband gradually turned into a very irrational, unstable and angry person. It was so hard for me to handle the change in his personality right after my delivery. And since this happened right after my delivery I was not even in my normal senses to realize what was going on. 3 months after my delivery we discovered that his thyroid hormone was completely imbalanced. He was sever hyperthyroid and that was the reason for his erratic behavior. His endocrinologist put him on medication and just within 15 days I saw a dramatic change in his personality. By seeing his behavior I realized how much effect hormonal imbalance can have on the personality. I went through so much stress during that period that I slipped into postpartum depression. It took me about a year to come out of the depression. Lot of women have thyroid issues after delivery. My friend had a lot of issues with her husband after her delivery and developed hypothryoid and postpartum depression. Marital issues play an important rule in aggravating postpartum depression and hormonal imbalances. That is why pregnant women need a very calm and stable environment. So please don't talk without knowing proper facts !!!!!!!

Thanks,
Kavya

 

Jaya, I am not saying otherwise.. May be you are more experienced, but would a lady have post partum depression, hormonal letdown and mood swings from Day one of her marriage Now, thats what I am getting it !!

The cause of the issue is not something to be blamed on pregnancy. These 2 surely had issues from Day one of their marriage or even before. We dont know. They brought a innocent life to this world and they are still fighting. Do you think its the best environment for the baby to be in???

 

Well said Aarushi !!!! It looks like we have a lot of untrained gynecs, psychiatrists and endocrinologist on IL. Probably our enlightened friends on IL believe that docs spend years studying and learning to treat non existent issues WitsendI went through postpartum depression and I have seen my husband going through hormonal issues.

Veditha09 - I agree with what Aarushi says. Your advice is ABUSIVE. A women needs a supportive environment after delivery for a fast recovery. Another life depends on her. So if Manya's wife is not happy staying with him he should at least send her to India. Just because you had 3 normal deliveries don't think hormonal issues are non-existent. Doctors are not FOOLS !!!

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Sorry to burst your bubble..

But neither your experiences make you a valid person to give opinions as well... Are you a "trained gynecologist or a psychiatrist or endocrinologist" as well? Hell No right

Please come out of the box and stop this all-I-know-from-experience routine.

I ain't talking about her pregnancy nor her imbalance.. PLEASE DO READ my post properly. They had issues FROM DAY ONE. Please for the sake of goodness out here, don't keep talking about pregnancy.. Thats just a icing above the cake issue...

Why would one fight from day one of their relationship when they are not pregnant? Is it so hard to understand that.

BTW, everyone is entitled to voice their opinions in any relationship issues. Its all common sense. Neither you nor me are doctors for that matter if it comes to who to reply here.

So please............... YOU GET UR FACTS RIGHT LADY !!

 

What will u do ?

Ladies that was gr8 reading ur responses.


I said " But I never behaved or did anything that u have mentioned or like others have mentioned here.I haven't seen anyone like this for that matter.

Hormonal changes are just an excuse.

It can be to some extent.but not this much weird ."

Please do read it properly.

I said NOT THIS WEIRD.

How far can female go during the pregnancy.

See I am female too I can understand what a female goes thru during preganacy.

here is what I have gone thru.

For the 1st time during my pregnancy at In-Laws place I worked like a servant washing clothes for the whole family including Inner wear ( Combined family ),cooking,cleaning till the the delivery date.I used to have my breakfast at 11.00Am after packing and serving breakfast and lunch for the 3 men in the house. FOR THE WHOLE 9 MONTHS.
I didn't do anything like this.

And For the first time delivery most of my friends ( EVEN ME for the second time ) didn't call anyone just to avoid complications at the time of pregnancy and during the delivery and after the delivery.

We had the confidence that we can handle without anyone.

My husband supported me ( Now don't say that I don't love my parents or In-Laws ).
we made up our mind that its ours baby and we should take the responsibility.

Don't try to judge me what I am.

We helped each other He was there in everything I did and I helped him in whatever he did for me.

That is what is marriage is.
U should be there for one another.
It doesn't prove anything but it makes u realize that YES HE IS THERE FOR ME.
Hormonal changes are bearable to some extent but right from the marriage if the persons behavior is the same u can't just blame the poor pregnancy for everything.

I know that most of the ladies want to take the ladies side no matter what she does.

It is good to see that but Please try to understand about husband who has to live with a lady who behaves the same BEFORE pregnancy, During the pregnancy and after the delivery.
GO thru all the posts that he has posted.
If his posts are really genuine and true then this not one should say.
What did he do ?
ok. If she is hormonally sick what about her Mom who said sleep with prostitutes and FIL who kept abusing him and SIL who has no respect for him.
And tell me how will ur husbands react for what all they did and said if they were in his place.

I always try to put myself in that place but don't try to see the other person is a MALE and answer.

While replying to this now U ME AUR HUM movie came to my mind.

It is just like that Wife doesn't knows anything what she is doing but it is like hell for the husband.
She did it unknowingly but here she does everything knowingly.

Anyways I am done with this thread.

Hope ur valuable advices will help them build their marriage again and even more stronger.
Thank u.
Veda.

 

Hi Nandhysham,

If I am rude I am certainly not going to be apologetic !!! Yes my experiences and my interactions with the doctors do make me a valid person to talk. Neither do you have the experience nor the education !!!! So don't try to talk the high road sounding like you have seen it all and heard it all !!!! Yes everybody is entitled to voice their opinions but in a polite manner. You start your post with a disclaimer "sorry to sound rude" !!!! And what did you expect in return a bunch of roses for your enlightened opinions ???

I have also been following the thread and I know that Manya is not married for long. Even before they could understand each other well his wife got pregnant. All the marital issues can aggravate hormonal issues big time. What is first needed for his wife is a supportive environment so that she can get better soon. After that they can think more clearly on whether to remain in the marriage or not. With all the sleep deprivation that happens after delivery it is hard for anybody to think in their right senses.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Re: What will u do ?

Well said Veda. Thats what I have been trying to say too.. Pregnancy and its related changes are short term and here some don't think that right...

Anyways.. let me hijack your ending statement