headless stubborn Wife

Ria2006 · Apr 17, 2008

Manya

You sound very panicked and worried. Please relax first and have a calm mind. Only then you can think clearly. I see things at home front have gone tangent in your case.
I feel you need to withdraw a little bit. Firstly dont mix all issues in one package. We all have this natural tendency. Your wife's unwillingness to marriage, her attitude, your mother's illness and other issues. For now focus on safe arrival of child. Life is a long process where you resolve all these issues gradually.

How about calling MIL and sending mother back. I think you should not have called your mother if your wife was not convinced about it. Right now you are risking two important people of your life. Your wife and your mom. You dont have to expose them to this amount of tension. I understand that you have reservations against your MIL. But for the time being you should let it take a back seat.

I see that you give your family a lot more importance. Then why risk this important occurance. This is time when you and your wife should be bonding over imminent parenthood than having ego matches over who comes to take care. Its just not the apt time. I think you will win in long run by losing for a short duration.
Hope this helps
Ria

swetakiran · Apr 17, 2008

hi manya,

its not too late, for baby sake call u r MIL for help or send u r wife to india. no one can be like mother, as you support your mom so does she, your MIL may be rude to you thats because she adores her daughter, all other family matters can be solved after baby is born. you men often think practically and physically whereas we think emotionally, but u r wife is bit extreme. even i dont eat food when iam deeply hurt or dissappointed in others, and also keep my silence till i get cooled down, i know its not going to help we have to always express our feelings and think practically.

your wife now needs, lot of love and pampering not because she was raised soo, because she is far from her family and friends and being pregnant here, some become depressed.

please apologise to your wife about u r harsh words and divorce thingy. and ask her what she wants to eat , wear and concentrate on shopping for baby.

LEAVE ALL ISSUES BEFORE MARRIAGE TO SOLVE AFTER BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you sound very disturbed, stay calm as ria said

i know many women have given birth in totall distress, lots of tension but this one is in your hands, dont ever compare your wife with others, everyone is different.

take care, good luck, by the way CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

warm regards, sweta kiran

manyamanya · May 27, 2008

Hey All,

my wife had delivered a beautiful baby Girl by C-Section.

during ur last days of delivery I asked my FIL not to cry in phone, if you cry my wife also cries, and she had Sever head-ache entire night and unable to SLEEP

but, he said because of your harassment she is crying and having pain and he was in a quarrel mode.

I said, I don't want to quarrel to you.I will talk to you later.

I and my parents advised my wife to go for C-section as she cannot sustain pains. but she was adamant on Normal Delivery.

she was unable to sustain pains which are 30 minutes apart duration
we went to hospital when the pains are 10 minutes apart, but doctor released her saying you need to come when pains are 3 min apart,

Again Next day i took my wife to hospital and told her we will not go home without baby. I advised once gain to go for c-section, but she did not listen and asked doctor to induce pains. After 2 days of Inducing pains and Epidural for pain relief my wife as unable to control pain and she moved and baby was breach

Immediately, doctor went for c-section.

By becoming adamant for Normal Delivery she spoiled her body both ways, by using Epidural and by C-section.
Doctor said this was the longest labor I had seen in my life. It was One week total.

my mother, grandmother and myself were there in hospital looking after her

After delivery I called my FIL and told mother and kid are doing good and you can talk to her when she is good.

When my SIL called me to visit her sister, I told her to come after 2-3 weeks to visit my wife when we will have function, but she said i I am not ur wife to listen to ur words, I will come to see when I want

but, she came to saw my wife and kid and left, she did not tell me that I am coming nor I am leaving. Nor she told my relatives in hospital.my SIL questioned my mom why baby was breach, why did her sister moved during pains didn't you stop. My mom told your sister did not listed to me, she took her decisions on her own.

we told my wife not to work, just take rest for 2-3 weeks till you are alright

After coming home, my wife wanted to take care of kid her self, even though she was unable to walk or sit properly.
my mom and dad kept quiet fearing that she will shout

next day my wife had sever back pains and I called my mom and we helped her in eating, bathing etc etc..

I told her, I am tired and exhausted by fighting with you, please don't tarnish my name. I am getting all negative feed back, you have a good family,
husband, daughter and good relatives to support you.Please don't fight with me in future

Now, as my wife is good, she is also in a quarrel mode, she does not want my parents to be here, she says she need privacy.She is red faced when she sees my daughter in my mothers hands. I told her my mom came to see you and your kid and help you in delivery, the cannot go to India.
but, she said she does not need anybody help,. she can take care of her self.

I stopped talking to my wife now, but still she is happy

she is treating my mom as servant, she needs my moms services but not good advices.

now, I had booked flight ticket to India to my wife to visit her parents, but when I told her that you can go to India and see ur father, she questions me Will I come back to US? She will not stay with my parents.

I told her to stay with my parents 50% and 50% with your parents

I am afraid, if my wife goes to India with kid, she will not come back
what shall I do?

here are the five question which hurts me a lot

1. Why does she married me if she does not like me
2. Why does her father scold me saying I am harassing her
3. Why does her mother asked me to sleep with prostitutes
4. Why does I get negative feedback from all the people from USA.
Even doctors and Nurses tell her to listen.
she commands nurses to visit her on a single phone call, Nurses are not your servants. you need to be formal and plead.
5. One of my relatives asked my wife are you educated or Not when she was not eating anything in hospital,
you need to eat what they serve, you cannot say I don't like this I don't like that. They give you nutritious food

I totally lost my love for my wife.
I am very self-respected person in my Community, I cannot lose that,
I am losing my respect day by day.

and also, I cannot live with my wife like this in long term, we need to stay together forever, I cannot live like this.

I am mentally disturbed

kavya007 · May 28, 2008

Hi Manyamanya,

I feel very disturbed reading your post. Your wife is going through so much physical and mental hardship and your "self esteem" is more important for you !!!!!! You are going to drive yourself and your wife into depression. Your wife is especially very vulnerable because she is now going through the postpartum phase. Her body is going through tremendous amount of physical change. You should let her stay with the people she is most comfortable with and not force her to stay with your parents and expect her to treat them well. There was a reason why we all asked you to either send your wife to India or call your MIL. Of course I understand it is hard for your to face your MIL because of the comments she made. Your chose to disregard our advice and now you are facing the consequences. The sad part is that you are making your wife go through so much hardship. I am pretty sure that your mom and grandmom would have delivered their babies in their mothers house. There was a reason why this valid custom was recommended. Men hardly understand the physical and emotional hardships women face during the entire pregnancy and postpartum phase.

Let your wife go to India and spend some time with her family in peace. Don't force her to "bond" with your family. She needs good rest for a speedy recovery. I do hope you will wake up and realize the damage you are doing to a human being. I went through a very hard time after my delivery and ended up with postpartum depression. I honestly don't want any women to go through what I went through.

Thanks,
Kavya.

ars · May 28, 2008

I think you know your wife well. If you think she is stubborn and doesnot listen. Then stop saying. Let her do and behave what she feels like. Just don't advice, comment, give suggestion even if you think what she is doing is wrong.
Treat her as an adult and let her face the consequences of her action. If she wants to spend time with parents than so be it.
Your self respect should not be affected by your wife's behavior or your motherinlaw's words. Enjoy your baby when you are at home.

Nandshyam · May 28, 2008

Wow.... I am getting physced reading this thread...WitsendWitsendWitsend

I am going to be bit harsh... sorry !!!

I am not going to blame anyone here... Because both had their own issues.

Manya, cant you be a man for yourself? How can you let others run your life.. I would have been so pissed off to hear such things from MIL/FIL/SIL. Who are they to judge you and talk BS like this?

Second of all, without knowing each other, why did you have a baby? U both are so stupid to bring another life to this world when you both are at tug of war. What if your wife wants it, where were you brains, dude? You had initially started off doing everything to please your wife and now want her to change from that luxury you gave? you had proved to her that you will hear all sort of rubbish she talks and her family complaints and now you are standing up against?

Don't fall on her feet again and beg, thats pathetic and a short term solution. A marriage should stand on solid foundation like love, trust and not such things.

Your first few lines tells that you married after all the issues, so it started of in a wrong note. please take steps to correct that first.

Let her go. Dont be scared what if she will not come back. Is that the life you want, to have her near you and then loose all your respect and pride? Or to correct the relationship and start of fresh.

Talk to her normally and openly. Dont pinpoint mistakes. Past is past. Talk about what you want your life to be in the future. And who wants to be in that life making decision. you and your wife alone or the entire IL family. Talk to her and have her come out with whatever she has in her mind.

Nandshyam · May 28, 2008

Kavya,

Sorry to be rude, but I dont buy this hormone change for a woman to be acting stupid and harsh.

There are N number of women who are pregnant every day and they do go thru turmoil with all the changes in their body. May be they might get pissed, but being selfish and doing stuff harming the baby or having your IL trash talk your husband, now thats nothing to do with your pregnancy, thats just your character. Thats all !! So please don't blame the pregnancy for all these weirdo acts.

In this case, fundamentally something is very wrong... and to top it all up, the wife is pregnant that all !!!

jaya36 · May 28, 2008

Nandhu,
sorry it seems like u r recently married or not yet a mother.sorry moderator I am not trying to do mud slinging here.BUT I have been pregnant twice & certainly know what is post partum depression, harmonal letdown & mood swings.......they r real.

Manya,
I certainly have no advice for a post like yours.All I can do is pray for your child.god help

Jaya

Shilpa77 · May 28, 2008

I completly second Nandhini's post here..

Postpartum has got nothing to do with such behaviour and seems like it all started even before the delivery.

Dude, speak up for yourself, let her go if she wants to and make it very clear that she & her family should behave if she wants this relationship to sustain.

-S

Ria2006 · May 28, 2008

Well I think we have had enough discussion on how some females get these harmonal issues during pregnancy and after delivery. I would leave it to be totally subjective. I am myself pregnant currently and I dont feel any of this harmonal mess as of yet. But maybe some ladies do and I respect their limitation. Each lady's body react differently to colossal change called pregnancy.

To suggest a wayout to Manya,

I think you all (your mother, wife, your ILs and you ) need break from one another. Child delivery has certainly stressed you all beyond your expectations. If your wife wants to go back to her parents. Let her go. No marriage can ever be maintained by one willing person alone. It takes two to tango. If your wife really had plans to leave you permanently. She may not have planned a kid. With that in mind, let her go with smiling self. Once in India, let your wife stay as long as she wants to.

Life should not be such a struggle all the time. Marriage is complex equation where sometime you need to give in to win over. You dont need to stoop down ever to limit of begging or pleading. Assertive submission is what a healthy marriage needs. Having your say all the time will not make marriage resilient. Sometime you pull , other times you push. To me , it looks like you are pulling your strings most of the times by your will. That s making your wife ,your mother , your kid and you sufferers as well.

I hope you will get some cues to work this in your favor.

Ria