headless stubborn Wife

Wow Indianflower !! You must be a super women !!! Just curious did you breastfeed your child and did you have to deal with those painful problems associated with breastfeeding. I really needed my mom's help when I just started breastfeeding. I found it extremely hard to deal with engorgement, sore nipples and sleepless nights. Added to that I felt so hungry all the time and it was such a blessing to have regular, hot meals during those trying times. My husband could not understand what I was going through and during those trying times my mom was like a rock to me.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Manyamanya,
I read some of the ILs to your story.
I am a little concerned about the number of "I"s you use in your mail. Here is my honest opinion, you are completely filling your time by counting each and everything you are doing to your wife, but not taking a moment to find out what she needs?
From my experience in life, No person likes their spouse to count each and every action they do... either a chore or helpful gesture!
My suggestion, why don't you take 10 minutes of your busy life to write all the things you like in your wife (if there are any)? Also, make a list of all the negative things.
Also, ask your wife to do the same - hopefully that will give you a good idea on where you stand in the relationship.
I do not think you should worry too much about her eating habits during pregnancy, we Indians eat a lot more than our bodies need as it is. And during pregnancy you need onlyabout 500calories more and if your wife is not eating well (in the literal sense and not as you see it) her ob/gyn will find it out very easily.

So, my sincere suggestion is focus on your relationship and not her beharvior during pregnancy.

Obviously, I do not know your wife's side of the story but based on what you are saying it appears like, she is craving for your positive attention. She likes to be pampered, she likes to be treated like a princess.... .. is this a possibilty? Also, you are constantly hurting her ego by pointing out her mistakes!!

 

Hi Manyamanya,

It is very sad that your wife does not understand the care and concern you have for her. I don't know if her behavior is because of hormones or if it is her basic nature. Normally during pregnancy and breastfeeding if the mother does not eat well, the baby gets all the nutrients it needs from the mother and the mother's health will start suffering. Sometimes due to morning sickness mothers do no feel like eating well during pregnancy. They develop all kinds of food sensitivities. Probably you should make her OB/GYN emphasize the importance of good nutrition.

Don't give too much importance to relatives. It is not worth the mental headache. The problems you are facing with your in-laws are very common. They have occurred across generations and across cultures. If you don't feel comfortable about your MIL coming to the US, its better to send your wife to India for her delivery. But if you do decide to hire a nanny try to hire a live-in nanny. And make sure that the nanny is very reliable. One of my friends hired a part time nanny and the nanny literally took her for a ride. So good luck. My wishes for a happy future.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

hello,

I think Ria is right. This is not a change in your wife's attitude merely bcause shes pregnant or hormones are working overtime. and i can say this bcose i have a chid of 2 years and have gone through this phase.

From your mail, it seems like shes always been stubborn and spoilt.

I feel sorry for you. Your right now at the stage where you cannot take a firm stand becose ur wife is preg and if you allow yourslef to lose your self respect to protect your wife and your baby, it means your wife will never listen to you or bother with changing herlsef which means it will become increasingly difficult for you to cope up with a newborn child and a stubborn mother.

I think you need to take it slow and steady here. I think it will be difficult to change your wife's attitude immediately - dont expect overnight change. Since shes always been so stubborn, it will take some time to change her.
Firstly, you need to change the way she thinks.

Maybe you can share some example of some girl who got married recently and how she has adjusted so beautifully in her new house, with her husband and in-laws. once your wife starts thinking that she should change herself to gain your appreciation, its a start.

Mayb you can pretend to listen to her when she talks mindlessly to show that you care about what she thinks or talks.

If she stops eating, try persuading her to eat but please DONT BEG her. You are spoiling her as much as her parents by begging and pleading with her.

Once shes eaten, you could explain to her how it affects you when she stubbornly refuses to eat. Tell her to show her love for you by listening to you too.

If she doesnt want to visit your relatives at this point, dont force her. Instead ask your relatives to drop in.

If she loves you, she will definitely want to see you happy.

Hope i made sense.

Best of luck and do keep us posted.
JJ

 

Dear Kavya007

Yes i did breastfeed both my children. I did it all on my own. As you said my husband do not have much experience with the kitchen what to cook etc. Both my children were normal delivery. I started cooking normal food and did not follow any particular diet since i came home from the hospital. I don't know how i did it but all i can say is GOD IS GREAT! gives all the courage you need when you really need it. I think it made me a stronger person. Even today i am i think a very emotionally strong person for all the happening in my life. All i can say is life is not all rosy. There are ups and downs i have read a lot of it in IL. All one should do is, take that one big leap that they think they can't do and once they do it rest of the leaps will be easier. I beleive in doing my duty and duty alone and not expect anything in return from anybody be it even my own kids. I know i am off topic but just wanted to give my My 2cents cents to all the problems people are facing. Keep doing your duty and your purpose in this life and rest will be OK.

 

Manya,

Whatever everyone has said is true from their point of view. You need to diffrentiate what holds true for you.

I would say...why don't you forget the past and start afresh. If you feel that your wife dosen't listen to you then take the help of the doctor and speak to her freely when your wife is not around. The doctor might be able to say whether your wife is under nourished or not. As everyone has mentioned...one thing is for sure that during prgnancy one tends to be very hungry or if they are nauseous then they will not be in a position to eat...so if she is not eating then she may not be feeling like it...coz if she is hungry i am sure the pregnancy hunger pangs are strong and no one can avoid food.

Also see to it that you maintain a cheerful environment at home...if you see an argument brewing then move away from there and leave it at it.

I am sure as someone has suggested that both of you write the pros n cons of yourself and each other...then compare where you stand. Self analysis is also helpful.

If you can afford call both the moms maybe first couple of months MIL and then your mom.

Just remember that after marriage whatever you do is "we" and not you or me.

So all the Best for a new begining.

Warm regards

 

I have not written for a while but felt tempted to do so after reading the this particular thread and the replies.

Firstly, Manya, what are you hoping to achieve with your wife? If you really love her and want her for yourself, then you have to give her some credit for wanting to do so. There must be something good about her. If there is none then you are in a a wrong marriage..... and you should try to get out of it.

But instead if there are good things about her try to focus on those good qualities and stop calling your wife names like 'headless'. It is easy for one to ask you 'Were you and your family headless when you got into this relationship?'

I think your problem is one of war between families and both of you are letting it to come between the 2 of you. When parents love their children too much and care too much, the tendency is for the children to love them as much. When a new relationship arises especially in the case of an arranged marriage, that love becomes possessive to an extent where 'my son or daughter deserves better' thought affects parents so much so that they start to do stupid things like what your MIL did ie to ask you to sleep with prostitutes in the streets...

Couples too should do your part by not telling bad things about the spouse to the parents to inflame this. I am not sure if you are doing this but I think your wife and her sister are doing this and hence your ILs are behaving in this manner.

But now that your wife is behaving in this manner does not give you the right to absolutely prevent her from having a relationship with her family. If you did that, you are only reiterating the fact that you are the bad guy. Instead you should send her to India. I might have missed this but why are you not sending her to India? Is it because you are afraid that she will not come back or are you afraid that you will not be there when your child is born?

Life is full of sacrifices and at this poit of time, it is important to make sure that your wife is in the right frame of mind in the US. You need to let her free. If she loves you she will come back to you.

Stop looking at people on what they have said at one point of time. Yes your MIL said something bad. Do you have the maturity to explain how hurt you are to your MIL and FIL on what they have said? I think it is very important that they understand you. Talk to them. No one wants their daughter's life to be a mess because of their action. Stop referring to your FIL as a pet. That is very bad. A husband helping out a wife is like a wife helping out her husband. This is a relationship that you should not comment on. Btw can you tell me with all honesty that there are no 'pets' on your side of the family?

Your wife's behaviour is appalling. Do not pay attention to not eating etc. By falling in legs, you are just watering her childish seed in her. Just eat and go to bed. if she is hungry she will eat. On the other hand, look at the bigger picture. Tell her that you will send her to India and hope she will be happy. Tell your parents in law, you are doing this in spite of the fact that they have hurt you because you want to work things out between the families. Tell them that you have done your part and put the ball on their court. Be positive that they will take the correct direction. God will be on your side. Be happy and positive about the fact that your child is about to be born. Be happy and posiitve that you are making your wife happy during childbirth. Be happy and positive that God has given you a generous heart to forgive your MIL and things will work out!

All the Best!

 

hi Manyas,

Its good to hear you take care of your wife in all aspects like reading pregnancy books etc
Don't blame her for everything you don't like

Please read this book-MEN ARE FROM MARS WOMAN ARE FROM VENUS

some people tend to postpone thing thats their nature like having meals late but

telling her in apleasing way changes the situation