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he will only marry me if i leave my parents. what should i do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by preet89, Jun 3, 2013.

  1. preet89

    preet89 Senior IL'ite

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    hello friends,
    my name is Preet and i am 23 years old. i live in Canada, i came here for my studies about 5 years ago but now i am working as an engineer. i have struggled so much in my life and i have no more capacity to fight more. we are three sister and my two older sister are married. My parents sold their property to fulfill my dream to study in Canada. so they almost have no earnings now because of me. when they spent all that money , i promised them that i will take care of them because they don't have a son. My parents are very nice people, they have raised us as their sons.
    while going to college in Canada, i fall in love with this guy about 3 and half ago. before i accepted his proposal i told him that i have to take care of my family and he agreed that time. i was so happy that i found a guy who will take care of my family. we did had few misunderstandings in the beginning but i tried everything to fix my relationship with him. he use to take care of me and he use to spent a lot of time with me. well those old gold days are gone now. his and my family were in Canada about 2 years ago . they met each other and both family were happy about our marriage, so there was no problem. we went to India last year in April to attend few weddings. So a conversation started to get engaged a week before my flight back to Canada. so my bf called me that his family has one condition. they wanted me to marry his cousin(just a fake marriage) to get him Canadian immigration . i was shocked ...i cried on the phone but he said he will only listen to his family. but one of his uncle and aunt was with me. so they opposed his family. and they got me engaged with him. my family spent lot of money on our engagement. i never knew that his family is rich because i never cared what he has or no. he is a very nice boy but he is pressurized by his family and his aunt(his fathers's sister). his aunt hates me because i and my family refused to get his son to Canada thru fake marriage. she has also challenged me on the phone sometimes, she said "you are only engaged but not marriage. lets see what happens" . my fiance is now staying with his aunt's daughter. he doesn't see me enough. well we work in the same office but we only see each other once a month outside the work.
    everything was almost going ok. our families live in India. his family visited my family last month and said they need lots of dowry cars , gold etc. then i talked to my bf and the issue got resolved by discussion with his other relatives. its his aunt who is doing all this. i call my in laws every week and talk to them for 1 hours. they are so nice to me and never ever said me a word. now i was talking to my fiance one day, to get my parents visa to visit us after our marriage. we are planning to get married this year in November. he didn't said a word that day. then he told me on the weekend that i can't sponsor my parents to Canada. he wants to move to India after 2-3 years of marriage with his family. for those 2-3 years he wants me to stay with his cousin sister so we can financially support them. if i move to India, i am sure his family wont allow me to work but then how will i support my family. my dad has already so many health issues. i have no body to talk to so i talk to my roommate. she sees my cry everyday every night. i love this guy and i am not sure if he loves me, if i break this relationship i wont be able to love any one else in my life. and i can't leave my parents either. i don't want to stay with his cousin either. she hates me and she will do everything to break our relationship. my family also likes my fiance , to them he is a very nice boy. what should i do? i am going through a lot of stress. i cry at work too. plz help me. if i leave him , i will never be able to find a partner. because i am so into him . our relationship is more than an engagement. he said " i can leave you for my parents." i like his parents to but i don't want to move to India until next 10 years because i want to help my family. i have so much to say.
     
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  2. Anitap

    Anitap IL Hall of Fame

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    He is not worth it (my 2 cents). God in his mercy has revealed his bad nature to you. Run away NOW.
     
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  3. rose8282

    rose8282 Platinum IL'ite

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    Please think practically. If he loves you really, he should understand th predicament you are in. You need to help your parents. They sacrificed everything for you and have nothing in their hands. Isn't it your responsibility to take care of them? If he wants to go back, he should have told you before. Ok let's consider he changed his mind about settlement but then why is he forcing you to marry his cousin? This is kind of fishy and you should set right your priorities. Think with a clear mind what you want. Even if you go to India, you can Make money..though it will take much longer to clear the loan equivalent to Canadian money. Still you can probably take care of your parents in person. But will you get the kind of work you need? You need to think of all options and only you can do that.

    One thing is certain, if he loves you, he should be able to discuss all options with you instead of demanding. These are red flags which you should not ignore. You don't want to cry all your life. Love and romance lasts only till honeymoon period and that period is gone in your case.... What lasts for a lifetime is understanding.
     
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  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    This says all. He is not worth your whole life. Even if you are so much into it you will get over him eventually. But right now your parents are more important in your life who have sol their whole savings for your education. Focus on your career and move away from him for sometime. Tell him you need time to think about your whole relationship. He is trying to blackmail you emotionally. Even if you agree now again he will have more and more demands. You cannot cry whole life for something or other. Be strong and break up with him. Break up now is better than divorce later. After marriage and kids his demands will keep growing and it will be too late to break up.
     
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  5. Swasha

    Swasha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Soo many Red Flags in your relationship. Be careful with this guy. Think 100 times in all angles before marrying him, because once you are married you cannot revert back the situation.
     
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  6. luckwaves

    luckwaves Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    A clear no to this alliance . It will be little easy for you to come out if this relationship now itself. If a person is asking you to marry his cousin for the purpose of visa , what and all he might ask you to do after marriage. Don't trust him and spoil your life dear. Say a big thanks to His aunty for showing his true colours .

    Good luck
     
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  7. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Its not worth it at alll.. you are too young to get married..You have seen enough of it in this relationshp and you have seen true colours also. There is nothing like too much into love.. time will help you see a different dimension of life.

    Say a good bye and moveon and concentrate at work. Get practical, if he can leave his parents for you then he can leave you for some one / anything.
     
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  8. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Do not marry him. That is the only solution. You are only 23, you would find a good guy in future. You would find a partner in future. Forget about him. Initially it may be stressful but you would get over in time.
     
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  9. Awar

    Awar Silver IL'ite

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    If what you are saying is true! It's a proof for the saying love is blind! But it's time that you get some vision by others guidance!

    It will be a hard decision but on the longer run you will be better off leaving him if that is his nature...
     
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  10. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Preet,

    Someone who is not committed to the marriage and is not willing to accept the commitments you have for your parents who sacrificed so much for you, it is not worth living with that person. Marriage should never be a marriage of convenience and it should be based on mutual caring and sharing.

    I suggest you have one more talk with him and think clearly before you have that meeting. Tell him that you both have spent considerable time with each other and at the end of the meeting, you are going to decide which direction you would like to go. Don't allow emotional blackmails. You feel so much about your love for him and make sure he loves you as much as you love him.

    It is illegal to marry someone for the sake of visa and he should have never suggested it to you in the first place. It doesn't smell right. Please see whether he regrets that suggestion, willing to accept your commitments to parents, etc. one last time. If that meeting is inconclusive or a big "no" from him, please walk away and never look back. You will find a right partner in future.

    God Bless You.

    Viswa
     
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