Having the best of both worlds

karanu · Mar 14, 2013

Hello ladies, I'm posting this in this specific forum as I feel you might be able to understand my predicament.

I'm a stay-at-home mum and my DD is nearly 18 months old. I have a work experience of 9 years. I had a very good career and I also have a strong educational background. I was in the middle of shifting jobs and also since I had a late pregnancy (also PCOD), I decided to take a break when I discovered that I was pregnant. So I've been on a break for the past 2 years.

I don't have any support system in place in the form of parents or in-laws. I don't trust a nanny as I have heard horrible stories.

I take care of my DD completely on my own, with DH's help now and then. Initially I thought I will take a break for 3-4 years to take care of my DD. But for the last few months, I really miss working. It's not just about financial independence. I feel aloof, just being at home. I want to make progress with my career as well since I have put in a lot of hard work in building it. I feel something is missing in my life. There are not many social interactions, both personally and professionally. I don't know how but time just flies at home in cooking, cleaning, feeding my DD, giving her a bath, putting her to sleep etc.

DH and I have agreed that we will start exploring a playschool soon. DD is extremely clingy to me and so it's going to be quite a challenge how we can start her with playschool.

Initially when DD was an infant, I had some time during the day when she naps. But these days, she hardly sleeps during the day. After a tiresome day, I feel exhausted and don't have the energy to think about the next steps towards my career.

Discussed these issues with my DH. He is understanding but he keeps saying that I shouldn't take my career so seriously and that it's difficult to have the best of both worlds - taking good care of my DD and also progressing with my career. I'm sure many moms are doing that but I don't know how to start.

Would like to know how do you moms balance both the worlds and give your best to your family and your career, without getting stressed.

Dinny · Mar 15, 2013

Hmmm my guess is because you were continiously working for 9years thats why its hard for you to believe that now you are stay at home mom.But always remember your priorities in life.
I have been through this.
Like you i didn't want a nanny and i was damn sure that i am not going to send my child to a daycare.
So i started working from home as a consultant and also took up ocassional corporate trainings.But i made sure that whenever i went for a corporate training i returned before my son reached home.Initially i had to face some resistence from my husband's side( he thought i will not be able to manage it ) but now he's fine with it.
But then theres a small drawback ..sometimes there's no work at all and sometimes there's so much work that it becomes a little difficult to handle.
Sometimes when i am planning something special in the menu thats exactly when my project engineer will call me and ask me to come online....hmmmm
But even after all this i know that when tomorrow i will look back i will not be guilty that i could not give my family enough time...
So dont worry things will be alright soon.And you deserve a pat on your back...after all you are looking after your baby all by yourself

Rakhii · Mar 15, 2013

Karanu, it warms my heart when I see women ask this question about balancing everything in life. We can do it, that's the beauty of a woman. From what I understand (and correct me if I am wrong), you really want to go back to work but you are confused as to how to go about it. Here are a few things which might help (from my own experience). Wanting to work is a good thing. Dont let inlaws or husband tell you that its ok not to take work seriously, since you want to work. Work was a part of your life and its good to step out of the house and get your career back. Dont feel guilty, its ok to want to work again.

All the below suggestions are based on the assumption that you really want to start working again.

1. First of all, since you already have your husbands support, look for a good daycare/play school near your home. I have given a few tips on how to choose a day care in another sticky thread; hope you had a chance to look at it.

2. Start leaving her there for 1 hour everyday. The first couple of days, you can stay with her so that she knows its safe to stay there alone. Take some familiar toys from home so that she is comforted in her new surroundings.

3. In that 1 hour gap, diligently look for a job, start applying, call consultancies etc. Its a LOT of work and I think it will take a few days you even set your CV right.

4. After about a week, start leaving her for 2 hours a day. Of course she is going to cry. If not now, she will start crying when you leave her at the pre-school after 3 years.

5. Just because she is crying, you dont have to pull her out. My DD cried for a long time, I think it took her 10 days to settle down, once I started leaving her full time (10 hours).

6. Since you increased to 2 hours now, try and meet a few consultancies in that time.

7. Third week, increase to 4 hours. Jump from 2 to 4 hours. By now, she will understand that you will pick her up.

8. In the meantime, avoid telling your inlaws/parents about how much she is crying. Just let your husband know.

9. Hopefully by the end of 4th week you will find a job.

10. Like I said, initially she will cry her heart out. But be patient, consistent and dont let go. She WILL get used to the routine.

I hope this helps.

karanu · Mar 19, 2013

Dinny, thanks....both of us are quite similar in our views. I'm also exploring consulting opportunities that I can take up from home. The challenge will be to step out to client's office when there is a meeting/discussion. Need to work with DH to see if we can work things around. Also thanks for reminding about priorities. DD is and will always be my topmost priority. I'm so glad that I am around at home when she reaches her milestones.

Rakhi, thanks....I understand we can definitely balance both the worlds. But we also need to plan ahead and think about the best possible choices, given the constraints. Regarding daycare, I'm not keen on sending DD on a full time basis (like 8-10 hours). But I also see the need for her to start interacting with the outside world and get engaged in different activities for 2-3 hours. I enquired in a few playschools last week and will be narrowing down on one soon. So my plan is to start with consulting opportunities on my own and use these 2-3 hours for my work. I'm ok to not take up a full time job right now but atleast, I will be making progress and taking baby steps in my career rather than stagnating.

peeks · Mar 19, 2013

I think it would be healthy for your daughter to go to playschool, there is no downside to this, PROVIDING
she is not left very late to be picked up, i.e the last child there everyday

I had the same issue when my kids were born, I started working when my 2nd son was 2, I put him in playschool, he cried a lot in the beginning, it was hard for me, but once he settled in, he loved it and had great inter actions iwth the kids, made good friends.

As for me it was great, but also hard work, I saw both my kids flourish at school and I continued working.

However I will say it was hard work, to come home, pick them up from school, cook, clean etc etc

So, as long as you have that schedule worked out i.e if you have help or your husband can help, as it can be very very tiring, I think it wouldbe great for you to get back to your career. I dont think the children whose parents stayed at home all the time vs going back to work did any better or worse than kids who had 2 working parents. This is just my view and what I have seen around me.