1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Have you ever thought about divorce due to in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anamika99, Sep 24, 2015.

Page 4 of 5
  1. Sep 30, 2015 #31
    Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    601
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    @MalStrom @adimad

    Where we live weather is good only for half of the year. It has to be trade of only either them or my parents. And they made big fuss during my pregnancy and have no idea what they talk over the phone for hours to my DH behnid closed doors and convinced my DH not to let my parents come but rather they come.

    After that also, my DH never have been able to tell them not to come so that my paretns come. I had to override them once so that my parents can come, i told my dad to book tix. And then my FIL made my DH book tix to india such that my parents had to leave in 4 months instead of staying full 6 months
     
    Anamika99, Sep 30, 2015
    Anamika99, Sep 30, 2015
    #31
  2. Oct 2, 2015 #32
    Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    6,700
    Likes Received:
    11,198
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    @anamika99 - I hope you didn't think I trivialized your feelings. It is heart breaking for a spouse to bring up separation after being together this long because of some third parties. I would be angry and upset too. All I was saying is that it is futile to try and make him "feel" the way you want him to feel. Our feelings are ours alone, so we can't truly make someone feel the same.
    I'm pissed for for you that your mom wasn't able to be with you when "YOU" gave birth to your child. I'm also upset that over the years they have spent less time with your son than your PILs. But the fact that things that happened 11 yrs ago still haunts you and the fact that you are talking about the 7 yrs Vs 11 months ratio isn't going to help you one bit. You have said stuff and made a fuss and then you gave in anyway. Your DH thought you let go but in reality you did not let go. You just kept quite for whatever reason. Now, you can't go undo the fact that you did things that you didn't want to do. Whatever you did back then is done.

    What you can do today is what counts. Not what you couldn't do because of your DH. That's a done deal. Past is over.

    All of us have these, could have, should have, then things would have, kind of reflections. Hey I'm constantly critiquing myself and in the process making myself and my DH go crazy sometimes. I'm having to tell myself everyday that today is what counts, not yesterday and not tomorrow.

    Don't give them the power to make you feel low today. Don't give them the power to put you back on antidepressants. Don't feel like you did all those things for them and feel powerless, be happy that you are the better person.

    Now, coming to what you can do moving forward, when you say no and when DH books tickets anyway, what do you do? When they arrive what do you do? Don't go the extra mile. You go about your life, go out with your GFs and do what you do. If they make faces, be very happy. It means what you are doing is working. Get back by living it up. Don't have to do any seva but don't be rude to them. They seem to have a problem with you being anything more than a doormat. Don't give them the satisfaction. Let them say whatever they want to say. What they say shows their culture. You wear whatever you want to and go where you want to. The first time is hard but future times won't be hard. It'll get easier.

    Btw, my DH NEVER speaks for me. I do it myself. I learned very early on in our marriage that I cannot be who I am. I internalized a lot and never spoke up. I expected other people to stand up for me. I have changed. I have zero patience for people who don't respect me or my kids. I don't let people walk over me. I really don't wait for my DH to come and set things right. We are grown women, we need to take charge so our children have a strong mom to lean on.

    Yes, there are times when you have to say "NO" to the guys and it has to mean no. It will be really hard but it is worth giving it a shot, since you feel so badly about your situation.

    Take that first step multiple times if you have to. Even a setback is better than not doing anything. It will get better, this too shall pass and you are already the better person for having done all that you have done. I can honestly say, I would have given up and run long ago. Kudos to you for your perseverance and patience.
     
    Laks09, Oct 2, 2015
    Laks09, Oct 2, 2015
    #32
    2 people like this.
  3. Oct 2, 2015 #33
    soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,227
    Likes Received:
    2,354
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Anamika, PLease read your words above- you want to make him repent...

    Fact of Life - nobody can make someone else change unless they want to from within them. If you are looking for repentance from him, you are going in for a battle you have lost even before you have started.

    Now the other part - about you expecting stuff from him -

    Another Fact of Life - expectations are always the cause of disappointments

    I totally understand how it feels to live day in and day out with a man who has no concern for how you feel. It is frustrating to say the least and at the worst you feel that you have no dignity no respect from the man.

    The way to get him to respect you is to respect yourself first and behave with dignity in the face of all adversity. Change begins with you. Easier said than done. True! but not impossible.

    Some things that I found helpful from when I was struggling similarly, early in my marriage -

    1) train yourself to stop expecting from him. Make it happen. Sometimes we wait for others to give us what we deserve. Sometimes it makes sense. But after 17 years, you must take it upon yourself to get it done.

    2) Practice detachment. From his actions and his parents actions - Their action - you cannot control. Your reaction? Absolutely under your control. Take a deep breath and keep silent. Have patience and when he sees you do not react anymore, he will change, not because he wants to because he feels like a fool not extracting a reaction from you. Remember : He acts - you react - your reaction feeds his action and it is a vicious circle.

    3) Pick your battles. negotiate : He wants piano you want tabla, give him the piano. His parents coming every year versus your parents Never - put your foot down and ensure you get your parents here. Polite but firm steps. So if his parents come this year between April and September, by the time it is December, say : I was looking at the tickets for April next year for my parents to be here, it's been a long time. OR alternatively, send your son to your parents and you go too during vacations, let him be with his parents.

    Suicide is never a solution and Separation is not the solution for things that can be handled. You son learns from his father how to treat his woman and he learns from you how a woman gets treated. Show him the right way and secure the next generation
     
    soulful, Oct 2, 2015
    soulful, Oct 2, 2015
    #33
  4. Oct 2, 2015 #34
    Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    601
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Friends, I have been reading ur reponses, thanks again....donot know how to behave , what to follow , what not.
    Tomorrow my DH bday he said not to make anything special , no gifts etc....

    Donot know what to do there either..just so confused
     
    Anamika99, Oct 2, 2015
    Anamika99, Oct 2, 2015
    #34
  5. Oct 2, 2015 #35
    mani75

    mani75 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    119
    Likes Received:
    198
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    Anamika,

    Just a quick response to your above question - do what you would like to do.

    If you want to make something special do it. Dont do a lot just something to show that you care for your husband.

    If you feel you would rather let it be and really not do anything then let be so. Wish him in the morning and get on with your day.

    But do not have any expectations from him with regard to your birthday. You plan your birthday and enjoy it exactly as you would like to with or without him.

    I wish you peace

    Mani
     
    mani75, Oct 2, 2015
    mani75, Oct 2, 2015
    #35
    1 person likes this.
  6. Oct 2, 2015 #36
    Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    601
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    This is the most hurtful part .
    Did you discuss this further with him?
    Ask him if this is how he feels about a wife of 17 years.That he is willing to stay separate and lose you , but cannot live without in laws for a year.

    This is what might be hurting you most. Let him answer what you mean to him.

    Let him know that next time he takes a decision that effects you without considering your feelings,you will take action to protect your feelings.

    Like you can't stop him from hurting your feelings,he can't stop you from trying to find a way out.
    You can tell him that if he does this again against your wishes,you will go and stay somewhere else for the six month. Don't just say it....find a place that is convenient to you before he sends them the tickets.

    He will realize that his action will not just break your heart but his parents heart too. He can't just force things on you ,you will find your way out.

    I hope the bit about taking life was just a rant dear.You are far to good and precious to let such ugly thoughts come to your mind . Please see someone if this ever happens again.

    Best wishes,lots of love and hugs.[/QUOTE]

    -they are calm and docile....more so because my MIL is feeling totally insecure now. Her DH just turned 79...and i see fear in her eyes and in her action and in her talk that if her DH is gone before her she will be dependent on us completley...so i m seeing almost 180 degree change...she has not seen explictly but i get it...

    My DH would never have courage no to his parents or say something to them...

    example: one day my FIL said after to me that after he (my DH) gets back from work , we will go to library...(my DH and i work for same company and i had checked his calendar and i knew he has late meeting...)so i blurted that he cannot come sooner today that created such a big tamasha...my FIL told my DH when he got back....how come ur wife knows and u didnot tell me u r coming late. my DH had not told me at all, but he did not say a single word...and he cried in his dad's lap that how could think i would do that


    yes most hurtful part is he is not able to take my anger, and being heartbroken , instead he talks about separating. Many times he has told me 'i love u more than ur parents love u' when i asked what i mean to him. But i never see it in action and i have told him that as well. and he just says 'u donot know that'

    i agree on he cannot stop me from protecting my feelings. like the point, noted.

    Takinglife...it was not a rant or thoughtful action item...just to describe how hurtful i m right now. i wld never take any action like that
     
    Anamika99, Oct 2, 2015
    Anamika99, Oct 2, 2015
    #36
  7. Oct 2, 2015 #37
    Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    717
    Likes Received:
    601
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    true, He needs to see the other side too. But he always goes and asks them if i m keeping them well but never other way around
     
    Anamika99, Oct 2, 2015
    Anamika99, Oct 2, 2015
    #37
  8. Oct 2, 2015 #38
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,151
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    OMG...that is sickening clingyness and the height of guilt tripping.
    Your husband's reaction is just so silly that there is no word for it.

    Most normal men who love their parents would find the dad's reaction extremely OTT and irritating.What?..now shravan kumars are expected to keep parents updated with office time table before wife ....to show their loyalty.Hts of to you dear for bearing with such people.

    Anamika ,I sincerely feel that you need to grow many layers of skin to deal with this kind of behavior.Your husband will never change .......You have to accept the fact that You either give it back or just become numb to their existence

    That is just so silly.
    Tell him your parents love you enough to take the back seat and not demand to be part of your life,just for the sake of your marriage.....unlike him who puts you and your marriage in the background for the sake of his parents.
     
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
    yellowmango, Oct 2, 2015
    #38
    5 people like this.
  9. Oct 3, 2015 #39
    anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    637
    Likes Received:
    785
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I have nothing new to add to this. you are indeed very patient and considerate. If you bare something for 17 yrs, at some point it you are bound to break. Make yourself a priority. I would not even be entertaining my in-laws after this. You should stop engaging them. They are over dramatic and insecure, make issues out of nothing. do things for yourself. You are a nice person, i hope you find happiness.
     
    anahita5, Oct 3, 2015
    anahita5, Oct 3, 2015
    #39
  10. Oct 5, 2015 #40
    simpleton

    simpleton Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    55
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    HI Anamika,

    I always read your post in all forums and I see you as my elder sister and my inspiration. I used to think that she is managing everything for the past 17yrs why will i not be able to manage(I married for 5 yrs now).My inlaws have come for 4 months and 2 months to go. Everyday whenever she(my mil) starts an argument or irritates me my inner voice used to say ' Just shout back at her such that she will never come to US' but then my relationship with my husband would be nothing and he'll dislike me and my parents. I used to think of all the good ladies over here who are adjusting and dealing it in a different way(especially you.Loved ur post on Back with a Bang)..

    So don't breakdown as you are my inspiration(might be for others too) and we would seek ur advice as you have more experience and wisdom...

    For sure you are a strong woman... Talk to your husband and bring ur parents and his parents alternatively every year,that way you can get some privacy....

    Might be after they leave for India, don't talk to them often that way there'll be a disconnect and they won't feel like coming back or that often..

    I seriously consider you as my sis and you are really a super woman tackling everything for 17 yrs....

    Hats off to you
     
    simpleton, Oct 5, 2015
    simpleton, Oct 5, 2015
    #40
    1 person likes this.
Page 4 of 5

Share This Page