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Have you ever thought about divorce due to in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Anamika99, Sep 24, 2015.

  1. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    1> It is cordial...i used to above and beyond, stopped that this year. But still do some duties which i think unnecessary but have no guts to stop all...for example, serving snack when i come back from work....(i think i shd be ask but instead i have to ask them and all) My MIL used to taunt a lot and scold a lot but stopped this year, perhaps due to age. FIl also used to be adamant on clothes and all. THis year i did not care. Again some comments was passed indirectly and i paid no attention they stopped. In general we enjoy together - so that they think...but even when i am watchign movie, talking to them, doing anything with them I have this pressure in mind to be right.

    2. No they donot. But everytime, my MIL gets mad, she is used to saying "u donot want to care for parents"
     
  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Get a grip, my dear. What's this ridiculous talk about taking your life? It is pointless. You think you are going to make him understand like in stupid movies? Nope.

    You need to model a strong woman at least for the sake of your child. Of course your child would say he wants both parents under one roof but it isn't up to him. You are the one who feels suffocated. Your child doesn't know better and you ought not be setting your seemingly dysfunctional marriage as an example for your child.

    Are you financially independent? Do you have the requisite visa/ residency in the country you are in now to stay on regardless of your marital status? Get yourself some counselling. For years you have been a pushover. It will take work to undo it. A good counsellor can help you with it You need to be strong and do it. I am certain it will be easier than what you are undergoing now because an acceptable solution will be in sight when you start your metamorphosis. I wish you luck.
     
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  3. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    WHat i told here, have told him...and his response was 'i did not know u were suffering for so many years' and that is about it...no action
    When i had another anxiety episode and told him... his reponse was 'bhai maaf kar de..' with little annoyance..no action
    and third time... there is action...he is giving me silence treatment....which has hurt me even more and made me post here
     
  4. Jazmine83

    Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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    Please both of you go to a marriage counselor.

    If you have suicidal thoughts, please please please call a help line. There is lot more to life than marriage & children.

    I am praying for u.
     
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  5. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    Yes I do have sucidial thoughts....but not because I am weak to face it, i am just in the shape where i really want DH to repent badly for what he has done.... so i m for sure able to control my step and not do such stupid thing. Just like I am thinking a lot to separate, I am sure i would not be taking drastic step of killing myself. Thank you for your concern...it feels good to be loved.
     
  6. Anamika99

    Anamika99 Gold IL'ite

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    yes, I am not going to kill myself..but u make a good point, it is not going to serve a purpose the way it does in movie....


    Yes I am a strong woman.....,I am not weak to face it, i just want to make him repent...and the reason is now even he takes steps to make it right...it is not going to help me...years after years expecting and then letting it go....and yet nursing the relation...this time inviting his parents in spite of clear no from him has broken all things for me....cannot nurse this relationship anynmore, if he wants he can. And that might make me think twice before separation but he would have to work hard.

    Yes, you are right on kid does not know better on suffocation we go through. Plenty of articles i have read said only same thing kids are left with bad impact unless the child was getting abused as well in relationship. - which is not the case here.

    I am financially independent and no issues with visa etc, I am a citizen. I have to give no thoughts to such things when it really comes to separation. I am totally independent in supporting my self and entire family....by money and by cooking meal, by providng roof over head...and everything one need as basics.

    What type of counselling....for me only or many suggested marriage councelling....

    People here in USA would understand our issues....?
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Anamika - Calm down. Don't do something stupid over your in-laws, they are really not worth the sacrifice.

    I have a slightly different perspective here. Just by reading your threads, I have a picture of you in my head. It is that of someone who is the epitome of patience and forgiveness. I'm not that way, I'll bite my DH's head off if he pisses me off. You are not that person. I'm sure your DH has known the patient and giving and caring you for the past 17 yrs(that's how long I've been with my H, btw). In 17 years, you have not once told him how you felt about this or done anything to mitigate your sufferings. He probably wasn't aware of the extent of your trauma. I'm not sure he understands even now. In his mind, he probably thinks that this is a one time rant, you are upset but you always are patient and get over things. He definitely knows you are the patient and caring and loving wife. He probably says lets get a divorce, knowing fully well you will never go through with it because you love him.

    It is going to take a big jolt for him to even realize what you have been through and what you truly feel.what @Malstrom suggested, of getting a trial separation might jolt him into reality. That might tell him you are hurt and the extent you are hurt. Maybe that will push him into counselling and get things sorted. Btw, yes, counselors here do know the Indian family setup. That might help him understand what he needs to do henceforth to get this relationship on track.

    I don't think it is feasible for him to "repent" what he truly had no idea about, Anamika. He may apologize for being stupid and blind but don't expect anything beyond that. You have also calcuated the time spent with PILs vs parents. Anamika, those 17 years are OVER. You cannot hang on to the amount of time you already spent with PILs and didn't spend with parents. It's only going to make you bitter. Bygones are bygones, look at what you can do now. Don't look at what happened and how things could have been better and hurt yourself more than what you are already hurting.

    Same with your son. What you can do is decide exactly what you will do with the rest of your life. To an extent, you can influence your son's life too but not beyond a point. Your PILs are also his GPs so he can decide how much of time he wants to spend with them when he is old enough to make such a decision.

    Regarding tabala, your son is 11. It isn't the end of the tabala world. He can go tomorrow and start and will master the tabala if he truly loves it. It is on you as the mother to make sure your child is doing what he is truly passionate about not what someone else thinks he "should" be passionate about. I would just enroll him in whatever he wants to do, if I were you.

    Btw, the mention of suicide, spiked my BP up by 20 points. Yaar, I've had a couple of weeks from hell, don't stress me out even more. It's just your PILs, they are not your whole world. Don't think about such things.

    It is going to take a while for 17 yrs worth of conditioning in both your DH and in yourself to completely go away. Maybe give it a month for every year. 17 months is a good time-frame to get a complete relationship and personal make over. Make that your goal.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It is his house too, he can invite them. You cannot stop him. Not the most feasible decision by him to have them over even after so many visits. No point in brooding over why he called, how he is not recognizing so many years of your patience.

    Try to keep it simple. You have an impressionable pre-teen.

    They are now old and docile, you say. The irritation is smaller such as they keep watching your every move. Try to become a little uncaring about their watching eyes. Go about your work and routine as if they are not there.

    Stop giving them importance. Situation cannot become any worse by your doing that.

    Anamika, 17 years of serving them fruit, dessert etc.... after dinner... will take a while to untrain them and yourself.

    Try it - be a little cool, a little detached. A little less communicative. Pause a bit more before replying in conversations. Make yourself scarce more often. If your kid is in an extracurricular, after picking him up, go out for a mom-son dinner. And when you do that, don't also cook. Let someone else do the cooking, and that too at short notice.. Just call on way back, and say, 'We are stopping at Domino's for pizza...'
     
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  9. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    17 yrs DH is used to extreme patience from DW. It will take a looong time to unlearn and untrain. No use trying to make him repent quickly since he got used to it for 17 long yrs. One fine day one cannot wake up and say he needs to wake up. Has to be gradual and it will take some years to unlearn and untrain.
     
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  10. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    How about you tell him that your parents are also getting old and you would like to spend time with them? Reserve your tickets to India when PIL are visiting. They are his parents he can take care of them.
    I'd also suggest marriage counseling. Your H might not have an idea of what you are going through. A neutral setting might help him see the issue clearly.
     
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