Have you ever thought about divorce due to in-laws

Anamika - Calm down. Don't do something stupid over your in-laws, they are really not worth the sacrifice.

I have a slightly different perspective here. Just by reading your threads, I have a picture of you in my head. It is that of someone who is the epitome of patience and forgiveness. I'm not that way, I'll bite my DH's head off if he pisses me off. You are not that person. I'm sure your DH has known the patient and giving and caring you for the past 17 yrs(that's how long I've been with my H, btw). In 17 years, you have not once told him how you felt about this or done anything to mitigate your sufferings. He probably wasn't aware of the extent of your trauma. I'm not sure he understands even now. In his mind, he probably thinks that this is a one time rant, you are upset but you always are patient and get over things. He definitely knows you are the patient and caring and loving wife. He probably says lets get a divorce, knowing fully well you will never go through with it because you love him.

It is going to take a big jolt for him to even realize what you have been through and what you truly feel.what @Malstrom suggested, of getting a trial separation might jolt him into reality. That might tell him you are hurt and the extent you are hurt. Maybe that will push him into counselling and get things sorted. Btw, yes, counselors here do know the Indian family setup. That might help him understand what he needs to do henceforth to get this relationship on track.

I don't think it is feasible for him to "repent" what he truly had no idea about, Anamika. He may apologize for being stupid and blind but don't expect anything beyond that. You have also calcuated the time spent with PILs vs parents. Anamika, those 17 years are OVER. You cannot hang on to the amount of time you already spent with PILs and didn't spend with parents. It's only going to make you bitter. Bygones are bygones, look at what you can do now. Don't look at what happened and how things could have been better and hurt yourself more than what you are already hurting.

Same with your son. What you can do is decide exactly what you will do with the rest of your life. To an extent, you can influence your son's life too but not beyond a point. Your PILs are also his GPs so he can decide how much of time he wants to spend with them when he is old enough to make such a decision.

Regarding tabala, your son is 11. It isn't the end of the tabala world. He can go tomorrow and start and will master the tabala if he truly loves it. It is on you as the mother to make sure your child is doing what he is truly passionate about not what someone else thinks he "should" be passionate about. I would just enroll him in whatever he wants to do, if I were you.

Btw, the mention of suicide, spiked my BP up by 20 points. Yaar, I've had a couple of weeks from hell, don't stress me out even more. It's just your PILs, they are not your whole world. Don't think about such things.

It is going to take a while for 17 yrs worth of conditioning in both your DH and in yourself to completely go away. Maybe give it a month for every year. 17 months is a good time-frame to get a complete relationship and personal make over. Make that your goal.

 

It is his house too, he can invite them. You cannot stop him. Not the most feasible decision by him to have them over even after so many visits. No point in brooding over why he called, how he is not recognizing so many years of your patience.

Try to keep it simple. You have an impressionable pre-teen.

They are now old and docile, you say. The irritation is smaller such as they keep watching your every move. Try to become a little uncaring about their watching eyes. Go about your work and routine as if they are not there.

Stop giving them importance. Situation cannot become any worse by your doing that.

Anamika, 17 years of serving them fruit, dessert etc.... after dinner... will take a while to untrain them and yourself.

Try it - be a little cool, a little detached. A little less communicative. Pause a bit more before replying in conversations. Make yourself scarce more often. If your kid is in an extracurricular, after picking him up, go out for a mom-son dinner. And when you do that, don't also cook. Let someone else do the cooking, and that too at short notice.. Just call on way back, and say, 'We are stopping at Domino's for pizza...'