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Have I spoken something I shouldn't have??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vimmy, Mar 31, 2010.

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  1. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Still I was not clear the discussion between the son and parents before they move to son's house.People don't simply move to son's house without discussing something.
    It's kind of prestiage issue for them by being disobeyed by the DIL but eventually they may realise.But it takes sometime.
    I think here your husband should talk to them and explain the things.
    I think it's both of your mistake not discussing the things properly before they move.May be they would like to stay in ther own town if you explained the situation before itself and the expecations.
    Where they know the people and the places and they would lived there comfortably for sometime.Your FIL might have some students in there town and would spend his retiremetn by teaching .
    Here in new place they don't have any one expect you.You Guys should have set the expecations before the move itself.Even if they wanted go back to there town then they need to give explanation to everyone including daugthers why they are moving back.I beleive it's really hard for them to do.
    Still it puzzle to me that why your husband didn't discuss with his parents before they move.You might have clear idea by that time itself you don't want to live them.Then why you didn't open up that time and why you opened after one month of there move.Its really wrong move from both of you.
     
  2. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

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    Nothing Uma, Nothing.....I have no problem absolutely. I just DONT LIKE this joint family system....living with inlaws. I don't know why? But I can't live together.
     
  3. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

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    Priya,lucky,

    They have some relatives here. And we are also here. I really felt sad how they lived earlier with very less amenities and absolutely no comforts. All I am telling is we will provide everything now. Only thing is we will not be there but will visit you and you can also come and live once in a while. What's the problem?

    In their own town they don't have a good house I mean a one which is comfortable. They used to live a very modest and very very humble life and I want them to enjoy atleast now at this age.
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Vimmy,
    If you are in India..get some sleep girl.Don't worry about this.You spoke your mind you gave them options..you cannot do anything more.

    Its good that you were upfront so everyone is spared the heartache later.

    Good Luck
    FL
     
  5. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

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    Thx FL. I am in India and yes I need to sleep now. I cannot sleep peacefully and I know my FIL is also not sleeping. He is hurt and I am too.
    I wish he shouted at me and not kept silent like this. His silence is making me feel guilty. But I plan to talk to him tomorrow in the evening when we both will go to the temple. Hope he comes with me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
  6. Keet

    Keet Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Vimmy,

    I think you r a very straight forward girl. good. But If you prefer to live separate it is you guys should move to your 2 bed room apartment.
     
  7. rpm2

    rpm2 Senior IL'ite

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    Vimmy,

    If I were in your position (I really wish I was!) I would not have done it. I am not saying you are a bad person but I just think what you did is probably a little too forward for your inlaws. Remember, it is India and parents still WISH to live with their children.

    But I dont blame you for the situation, I just think your husband should have stood up for whatever it is. He was not clear in what was expected from neither his parents nor from you.

    I believe, since there was NO talk about living in separate quarters , your inlaws assumed that they will be living with you! If they knew about it, then probably they might have lived in their old rental home. Atleast the "embarassment" would have been avoided (from their perspective).

    You might still be able to "convince" your inlaws but I the relationship might never be the old-self. The distance has been created and it might take a long time for the trust to be built again.

    Goodluck
     
  8. mithy232

    mithy232 Silver IL'ite

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    Vimmy,

    You are married for a year but only now your in-laws had the chance to stay with you. You didn't give them enough time to understand you. Your intention may be right but the way you expressed was wrong. Now you don't like them staying with you, in future you may ask them to move out of your house [2 bedroom flat] and thats why they didn't take any of your choices. They are hurt. I think they are really nice people because even after you asking them to move, they didn't complain to your DH and create problems. Very decent in-laws. You are lucky to have them.

    I think your DH is the only son. If so, don't leave them all alone in their old age. As SriVidya said, I would also suggest you to talk to them. Both you and your DH sit and talk to them. Explain them what you felt. Find an apartment near your place and let them stay there. You can meet up often and both will have their own space.

    Only few girls get good in-laws, don't miss them dear.
     
  9. narasmanasi

    narasmanasi New IL'ite

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    Hi Vimmy

    I would fully endorse what you did - I dont think you did anything wrong by expressing a desire to live seperately .. even if your inlaws are nice people ( touch wood ! ) , there is nothing wrong in wanting your privacy and a space where your family( Parents / siblings ) and friends can come and chill . And if you dont get it in the first few years of your marriage you never will .

    So step 1 - please do not feel guilty , you cannot help what other people feel or how they will react to what you say .

    Step 2 - ask your husband to speak to his parents and explain the intent behind your actions. In fact I would wonder why he has not spoken till now - he should have stepped in when he saw the silent movie taking place . Tell him that you feel guilty and he needs to step in NOW

    am sorry if I offend anyone while saying this - but I think your inlaws are lucky to have a caring DIL like you who says " when son and DIL are earning why should inlaws not live well " . And privacy is very critical - and asking for it is not selfish at all . In fact your relationship will be better for a little bit of distance ! That's my view anyway
     
  10. IndainDad

    IndainDad New IL'ite

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    Hope you don't mind a man's perspective on your situation...

    You said you know your in-laws for close to 5 years. Obviously they adore you and feel very comfortable with you. By moving in with you, they paid the biggest compliment to you. I know a lot of parents (of friends) who would never agree to live with their sons/daughters because they don't feel comfortable around their daughters-in-law/sons-in-law. Having lived a hard life, I understand you want them to lead a comfortable life now that they are retired. While this is admirable, you can't force it on them.

    Retirement is a life changing event. They need some time to decide what they intend to do with the rest of their lives. Your in-laws feel that just when they are settling down to be able to decide their future, you dropped this on them. One month is too short a time, don't you think? How would you feel if your in-laws came to lend you a helping hand when you have a kid and decide to go back a month after the childbirth?

    On one hand, you say you have had absolutely no issues with your in-laws. On the other hand you don't want to live in a joint family setup for reasons you don't seem to be very clear about (according to you). Looks to me like while your in-laws have discarded the typical daughter-in-law stereotypes about you (which is a great thing), you seem unable to do the same about your in-laws.

    Given that you have a very good relationship with your in-laws (apart from this), I am sure you can find a way out of this. In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up.
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2010
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