1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Liked anything that you read here? You may nominate it as the Finest Posts!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  5. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Have I spoken something I shouldn't have??

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vimmy, Mar 31, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    I am married for a year now. For past year, we have lived away from inlaws because my FIL was still working and recently he retired. They have moved to the city we live and now they are living with us.
    My inlaws till date, ie., for past a year of our married life never interfered in any of our issues.
    We have a big house 4 bedroom one, which my husband bought before marriage. That house will accommodate all 4 of us if we wish to live like that. My husband and I were talking and I clearly expressed that I will never like to continue living like this.

    I have my own 2 bedroom flat which I am almost done paying the loan.
    I told him either we shift there or they can live there, whichever way they like.
    I am not the one who feels that inlaws should not live in the house that I bought. Either they live in the house their son bought or live in the flat I bought. I don't really mind either way.....choice is theirs.

    My husband hesitated to ask and so I asked them. They were silent and later said they will move to another house....not any of the choices I gave. They called up someone to look for a house/apt for rent. They say they will live in that rented house. My husband says I shouldn't have asked them that. He said they are feeling bad. I asked them the reason why they have to look for rent and they did not reply. I asked them why look for rent when we have 2 own places to live. You live in one and we will live in the other.

    Tell me please, have I spoken something that I shouldn't have? Did I do any wrong in asking them to live separately? I offered them a choice too. Even my parents live away from my brother though in the same city.
    Ok now how do I deal with this?
     
    Loading...

  2. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    352
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear vimmy,
    whats done is done.Don't fret about it.Your DH should have been the one handling this but since he left it to you he should not be complaining.

    If they want to live in a rental to make U feel bad its their choice.You do your part of taking care of them,visiting them and keeping them involved in your lives.

    Just living together is not the only way to take care of parents.

    On retrospect this could have been handled differently but like I said whats done is done.

    Good Luck
    FL
     
  3. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Vimmy

    I dont think there is anything wrong in what you spoke or planned. But remember if such things are disclosed or discussed by DIL with inlaws..its always WRONG. You are just a new member to them and the way they would look at all this is....its not even a year you married tehir son and you are already separating the family by planning to live separately.

    Rather if your husband had taken it up and said we would like to live separately for couple of years so that we too get some privacy adn she too gets used to our family, that approach would have helped

    I guess your inlaws are a bit hurt thats why they are looking for rented apt/house instead of the options you gave.

    Sometimes its not about what we said that causes the problem or misunderstanding. Its about the WAY We put it across to them..Yeah I know its all very complicated but what to do...it takes time for everyone to understand each other..

    Might be just talk to them and convey your feelings that you are not separating them from their son and you all would meet and be with each other during festivals etc...but distance always makes relationships better and you dont want any rifts in b/w you and your inlaws..(also pls do convey your feelings to your husband too...)
     
  4. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Foundlove; Everything was going good and now they are not talking.
    Why? I ask them and no reply. Maybe they felt like I asked them to go out of my house. I never said that. I gave a choice too. I am ready to go and live in my flat. Now, it is all cold treatment from them.
     
  5. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    805
    Likes Received:
    352
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Vimmy,
    This was expected.Look at Srividya's post.She got the exact point that I was dancing around.Coming from DIL it sounded probably bad to them.
    If you are bold enough to talk about separate house..go ahead and tell them that you will keep them involved in life.Tell DH same too.Moreover whats done is done.

    Chin up and face it.

    FL
     
  6. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Srividya, my husband says I shouldn't have spoken now and waited for some more time. I don't see any point in waiting. They have moved from different place, and they got adjusted little bit with the surroundings and I thought it is time we separate.
    I told my dh to ask and he hesitated so I asked them. Isn't it the same? What difference in me or him asking? Please explain. DH says I am the reason now for them being sad.
    If they go to rented place it is not a problem to me but in the two choices that I gave there is good water supply, geyser, and also I have the 4 burners stove top, fridge, AC, TV, DVD, and every comfort. Even my flat has all those and it is newly constructed one too.
    They say they will move into a rented one and then they will have to buy everything again. They are not prepared to take the fridge or stove or AC from here. So, infact, it is again starting from scratch for them and with the pension that my FIL gets it will be tough...I know.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Vimmy

    As people age, the time they take to adjust also increases...they take more time to adjust. They came and started adjusting, now again you say...you choose to move out....so naturally they would be hurt and they would be feeling they are not needed around ...If it would have been some monster inlaws..they would have made your life hell by now by creating rifts b/w you and your husband...but your inlaws silently want to move out..that too to a place where they choose (by the way why do they have to accept the places you chose for them??? why that condition?? who cares what furniture or facilities the houses have..,..is that all what an aged person can care about? we can live with out a stove or a fridge, but we need a person who would atleast once in a while check with us are we doing good...are we eating properly etc...someone we can talk to)

    Yes there is always a TIME, PERSON and PLACE to convey anything and everything.You are married just for an year, you might hvae had that freedom given by your husband, but think, if the same parents had told you guys to move in to tehir house how you would have felt (isnt it like someone planning our life always...)you would have been extremely upset...but just because they were good inlaws...now they are facing the music. (sorry I dont mean to say you are a bad DIL...but there is a way to convey things...and yours was not right...thats what I can say)

    Instead of being angry on you...they are showing their hurt feelings onto themselves and taking it silently and treating it as punishment on themselves.

    I still think you have to talk to them, apologize for hurting them, and tell them that this is just for each others privacy but not to separate two families. and that you guys still need each other around in each others lives. WAnting to lead an independant life is not an issue...but how you convey it is an issue and by the way dont compare your brothers family or yours. People are different and you have to treat them differently.

    Lets try to follow a bit of tolerance if we know the other person is adjusting type.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  8. honey4

    honey4 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Vimmy,
    I agree with SriVidya, NO its not the same if it comes from DIL. They would not have felt bad if their son spoke about it.You are still a new member of the family and I donno how much close you are to them. So they are hurt.

    You can ask your husband to speak to them regarding this. Don't talk to them about this issue anymore because it leaves bitter feelings. I understand your parents live separately from your brother but it must have been him who proposed this instead of your SIL. Hope you got the point. If not you check with them to see how they handled it. Just my two cents.
     
  9. vimmy

    vimmy New IL'ite

    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Sri, I see some of your points. No! I am not comparing my brother and my parents with my inlaws. Not at all! I was just saying that because they are the people whom I know closely who also live like this. And I did not find anything wrong in it.

    I am not planning their life always. I am talking from comforts point of view only. I am sure they need comforts too and we would also check on them very frequently because these two houses are not very far away and moreover we can have phone. Even now I call from my work place in the afternoons to just ask how is it going and have they had lunch etc.,

    Honey4, I am not new to them. Though we are married for a year but I know my husband for over 5yrs now. We both went to same univ. I used to visit them and they know me. And, that is why I also spoke to them since they are not new to me.
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
  10. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    7,302
    Likes Received:
    954
    Trophy Points:
    270
    Gender:
    Female
    Vimmy

    From the face of it, both you and your inlaws sound like people who care and adjust for each other....so might be you brought in this topic too early for them (as after your FILs retirement he might have hoped to live with son and DIL and enjoy some peaceful no work stress day :)

    So now he is disappointed that you guys dont want to see their faces at teh end of the day...

    Thats why I was suggesting you to talk to them again. might be tell them that you are not tryign to get rid of them and that they are welcome to stay back with you guys during weekends or festivals adn at the same time your MIL would also have a home of hers where she can be what she is...and that you dont want to see any rifts with your inlaws...our emotions, our feelings and our thoughts are good...but sometimes they are misinterpreted because each of us have our own expectations and planning.

    See you only said they never interfered in your marital life...so thats why I said this was a bit too early and right on their face...if they had been interfering kidn and teh husband is meek guy...then you can take it up directly with inlaws..but if everyone is understanding kind, non interfering, we have to take the step slowly so that we dont hurt each other...

    Now you got what you wanted..i.e they living separately...but you are also not happy because you are feeling hurt that they are hurt and they misunderstood you...and vice versa with them too...so I think a bit of talking with them again would help. We have to deal with diff. people..differently cant follow one method with all...isnt it?
     
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2010
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page