Have I spoken something I shouldn't have??

Dear vimmy,
whats done is done.Don't fret about it.Your DH should have been the one handling this but since he left it to you he should not be complaining.

If they want to live in a rental to make U feel bad its their choice.You do your part of taking care of them,visiting them and keeping them involved in your lives.

Just living together is not the only way to take care of parents.

On retrospect this could have been handled differently but like I said whats done is done.

Good Luck
FL

 

Vimmy

I dont think there is anything wrong in what you spoke or planned. But remember if such things are disclosed or discussed by DIL with inlaws..its always WRONG. You are just a new member to them and the way they would look at all this is....its not even a year you married tehir son and you are already separating the family by planning to live separately.

Rather if your husband had taken it up and said we would like to live separately for couple of years so that we too get some privacy adn she too gets used to our family, that approach would have helped

I guess your inlaws are a bit hurt thats why they are looking for rented apt/house instead of the options you gave.

Sometimes its not about what we said that causes the problem or misunderstanding. Its about the WAY We put it across to them..Yeah I know its all very complicated but what to do...it takes time for everyone to understand each other..

Might be just talk to them and convey your feelings that you are not separating them from their son and you all would meet and be with each other during festivals etc...but distance always makes relationships better and you dont want any rifts in b/w you and your inlaws..(also pls do convey your feelings to your husband too...)

 

Vimmy,
This was expected.Look at Srividya's post.She got the exact point that I was dancing around.Coming from DIL it sounded probably bad to them.
If you are bold enough to talk about separate house..go ahead and tell them that you will keep them involved in life.Tell DH same too.Moreover whats done is done.

Chin up and face it.

FL

 

Vimmy

As people age, the time they take to adjust also increases...they take more time to adjust. They came and started adjusting, now again you say...you choose to move out....so naturally they would be hurt and they would be feeling they are not needed around ...If it would have been some monster inlaws..they would have made your life hell by now by creating rifts b/w you and your husband...but your inlaws silently want to move out..that too to a place where they choose (by the way why do they have to accept the places you chose for them??? why that condition?? who cares what furniture or facilities the houses have..,..is that all what an aged person can care about? we can live with out a stove or a fridge, but we need a person who would atleast once in a while check with us are we doing good...are we eating properly etc...someone we can talk to)

Yes there is always a TIME, PERSON and PLACE to convey anything and everything.You are married just for an year, you might hvae had that freedom given by your husband, but think, if the same parents had told you guys to move in to tehir house how you would have felt (isnt it like someone planning our life always...)you would have been extremely upset...but just because they were good inlaws...now they are facing the music. (sorry I dont mean to say you are a bad DIL...but there is a way to convey things...and yours was not right...thats what I can say)

Instead of being angry on you...they are showing their hurt feelings onto themselves and taking it silently and treating it as punishment on themselves.

I still think you have to talk to them, apologize for hurting them, and tell them that this is just for each others privacy but not to separate two families. and that you guys still need each other around in each others lives. WAnting to lead an independant life is not an issue...but how you convey it is an issue and by the way dont compare your brothers family or yours. People are different and you have to treat them differently.

Lets try to follow a bit of tolerance if we know the other person is adjusting type.

 

Vimmy,
I agree with SriVidya, NO its not the same if it comes from DIL. They would not have felt bad if their son spoke about it.You are still a new member of the family and I donno how much close you are to them. So they are hurt.

You can ask your husband to speak to them regarding this. Don't talk to them about this issue anymore because it leaves bitter feelings. I understand your parents live separately from your brother but it must have been him who proposed this instead of your SIL. Hope you got the point. If not you check with them to see how they handled it. Just my two cents.

 

Vimmy

From the face of it, both you and your inlaws sound like people who care and adjust for each other....so might be you brought in this topic too early for them (as after your FILs retirement he might have hoped to live with son and DIL and enjoy some peaceful no work stress day

So now he is disappointed that you guys dont want to see their faces at teh end of the day...

Thats why I was suggesting you to talk to them again. might be tell them that you are not tryign to get rid of them and that they are welcome to stay back with you guys during weekends or festivals adn at the same time your MIL would also have a home of hers where she can be what she is...and that you dont want to see any rifts with your inlaws...our emotions, our feelings and our thoughts are good...but sometimes they are misinterpreted because each of us have our own expectations and planning.

See you only said they never interfered in your marital life...so thats why I said this was a bit too early and right on their face...if they had been interfering kidn and teh husband is meek guy...then you can take it up directly with inlaws..but if everyone is understanding kind, non interfering, we have to take the step slowly so that we dont hurt each other...

Now you got what you wanted..i.e they living separately...but you are also not happy because you are feeling hurt that they are hurt and they misunderstood you...and vice versa with them too...so I think a bit of talking with them again would help. We have to deal with diff. people..differently cant follow one method with all...isnt it?