hate being house wife

You are expecting to be treated like a human and not a machine, you have wishes, and dreams, to live in this country as dependant is a big time sacrifice be it for woman or man, its a sort of jail, but if there is a kid at least the woman can get involved and pass time for some years, but it is important when someone is on dependant that the spouse not make the other person feel inferioir or less... that for genuine needs money be given and gifts bought ....

In my case my wife used to go to beauty parlor from 4 years, everytime spending 100$ or more once in 2 months, I just once told her its so expensive in this country to do all this compared to India and one cannot even do at home all this, that was it, she said she will never go, I dare I said it is so expensive, I said I never stopped you I was just conveying my feelings. I did not mean to stop you which normally men do by saying its waste and all, I never said that, she made a big issue and made me feel guilty for that...

Few years back I walked into the mall and bought her a dimond gift set for 1200$. She knows I am never miser or someone who would say such things, on the contrary if I was dependent on her for argument sake lets say, I know I would be leading a demeaning life , she would have taunted me in fights that I am out of job, not able to make any money, I know that...

I dont know what solution to offer you except that you may want to wait to work and get some money, but even in that case some husband will fight and ask for all the salary...again when a dependant can start working when will one find job, visa issue is all uncertain.

It's sad you are into this situation...Why people do such things no one knows...

 

Darshini,
I can understand your situation. I was a dependent myself once. I had a cousin who was a dependent and her hubby was very controlling about money like yours. It is easy to get disgrunteled with this kind of life..
And I am going to give you advice which is illegitimate but that's what this cousin of mine did. She started baby sitting. Since she had a child of her own, her apartment was child proof and people were willing to leave their kids with her since she was experienced.
Can you do something like that? Even if you baby sit for a couple of hours in a week and even if you make only $20 in a week, that's still your money.
That would give you some confidence as well..and also, do you try to take your kid out for walk (or stroller walk etc.)? That would help reduce the crankiness. Or else, get him checked up by doctor..
Hope this helps..

 

From what I see...you being a housewife is only a part of the problem. Like Tridev said when you find a job there is no guarantee that he'll let you use atleast part of the money as you wish. He might end up saying he brought you into this country and you were dependent on him all these days so you should listen to him even though you work hard to earn your own money.

Heck what !! Take my case...I came to do my MS here on a student visa...graduated took up a job and worked my ass off for 3 yrs before I got married. So anyone looking at my situation would think I am entitled to spend my hard earned money and my savings as my own. NO. During the first year I got married my DH made me feel guilty every time I spent money on myself like buy work-clothes or nail color. Maybe I wasn't strong enough then but I just listened to him. He wanted me to open a joint a/c with him and pool in all my money. My family told me to wait and I did. Now I am glad I did because there is no guarantee that my marriage would work out. I got threatened with a divorce due to this financial issue.Today I save what all is left after paying the bills and I don't care what he says. I splurge on clothes and food but I know my boundaries. The first complaint he has about our marriage is not working is that am too aggressive professionally and financially and I don't think about the future.
For everything you do there is someone to pull you down.

I have seen housewives pampered by their spouses.All they do is sitting at home or going to the beauty parlor or shopping.The husband comes home and helps in the cooking and cleaning. Whereas in my case, I earn, used to come home cook food, clean and digest all the complaints that I can't cook properly etc. No help whatsoever from my DH. I fought back and today even though I am not happy with how my DH treats me I am happy for not being a scumbag for him to kick around.
I would say it all depends on your husband's mentality and how much respect he has for you. For a change I wish you could ask him to employ a full-time nanny, cook, cleaning service for a short time and see how much it would cost him without your help at home or maybe you could just ask him to try taking up your work for a week...

 

His answer I am telling now itself if she tries" Then why did I marry you" or" what are you goinig to do sitting/idling at home".

People who want to let someone down in relationship have such answers ready, because for them if someone is asking them to justify it would mean that the other person is trying to control or win over.

 

Dear Friend,

I am sorry to hear your problems.Don't worry you will be fine and all ILs will help you find solutions.

• Sit down with DH and have a talk about money.If he says its my money..tell him clearly and calmly that after marriage you both are one and same so its your money too.
• Assure him that you will not waste money but need some pocket money.
• If he denies... go online and find out how much a babysitter,house keeper and care taker gets paid. So tell him you earn at least $3000 per month.If he tells you its your house too tell him then its your money too.

In a marriage its 50/50...You take care of his parents like ur own.You don't say they are ur parents you take care of them.You don't say that your mother does not work(if she does not) why you giving her money.

Take control and stand up for yourself.Asking for $100 a month is not a big amount. If nothing works..wait a few yrs and you will have EAD no one can stop you then.maybe U will not give ur money to him then ..huh.

Jokes apart you need to explain this to him and see what he says.

FL.

 

Dharshini,

Tridev is right....the problem is not you being a home maker but it is your DH's attitude. If you start working, you will become a money making machine too. If you are not interested in working and there is no financial needs, don't go for it just for financial independence. I have seen many working women with zero financial independence - which is even worser than your situation.

You have all rights to expect love and attention from your DH but do not compare yourself with others. Take up all the suggestions listed out here by others and work on solving the problem. Take care.

 

Hi dharshini,

i very much second mithy's thoughts here.the problem is not being you a stay at home mom,its your DH attitude towards you and money making/saving...since you've mentioned that your husband is loving and all,you need to make a little effort to change his attitude.
After putting your kid to bed,have an open heart to heart talk with him...make him realize that you have the most over worked and unappreciated job in the world.let him realize that you are not sitting idle at home...if he says taking care of the baby,cooking,cleaning etc are all your duty of being a wife then tell him satisfying your needs is also the responsibility of a husband.

there is nothing wrong in expecting surprises/occasional treats from your loved ones...but knowing your DH nature,leave such things aside and try to focus on other things....take time for yourself in the evenings/weekends...Let your husband watch the baby as you take a relaxing bath, go for a walk, or read a favorite book . Even if it’s just for 15-20 minutes, it’s time for you to recharge/relax.

keep a positive attitude and try to work out your issues with your husband by having an open talk instead of blaming it all on fate...wish you good luck !


pavi

 

Dear dharshini,
I hope you have resolved some of your problems.In order to get respect you need to respect yourself first.

If he says"You don't know how to grow babies"...reply back.."do you?..If so why aren't you doing anything". If he says that taking care of children is a mom's job and you are not doing anything special ...similarly if he is earning etc thats what all DH's do so he is not doing anything special.

You need to stand up for yourself or he will keep on doing this to you.

Take care.

FL