Has Anyone Ever Called Off An Engagement/wedding

Ah, we have a new problem to solve !

This is the way I look at the turmoil of thoughts going on within you - please realize it is natural. The various voices in your head will each act as the devil's advocate. One whispering maybe it's the wrong move and another saying that "glad i got out in time" . I think you should view your thoughts dispassionately and expect this to be a natural outcome. Wait, allow the thoughts to settle. Go though your regular life, work, socializing etc. You need to allow your own gut feeling to surface and hear your own voice. And that can happen only when you stop judging yourself, stop consciously thinking too much about it because these thoughts can suppress or mask your true feelings.

Take about a month and revisit your decision. No need to explain to different people. Stop feeling guilty. The guy is not some evil troll and you are not being unfair in choosing a different direction. Assume that you have the choice to reverse your decision. You have just stepped away from it for a brief while.

2) You could also talk to female friend who is moderate like you, and who married a much more orthodox man and family. Enquire how she feels about the changes. Also, speak to a an unmarried woman who is like you and ask how she might have perceived making the lifestyle changes. This exercise might help you stop judging yourself too badly. Women feel selfish when they something for themselves and this isn't correct.

If both you and this guy do some introspection, you will be able to independently achieve a sense of confirmation from within. If you feel differently you can always talk to him and see how he feels. But it is important for you to stand up for what you need which is freedom to be as you are and not go through some dramatic change. You need to view yourself as a distinct person with some specific needs and respect those needs.

 

you could be friends. but maybe after 3-4 wks. you should talk to other prospects too in the mean time. we can get clarity by actually experiencing something entirely different. it will give you a feeling of which of the two types you prefer. things become clearer when there is less emotional veil coloring our views. No, it's not cheating. You should also re-establish yourself the way you were before you met him - and he needs to interact with you knowing that's how you are.

Your action, that of calling off the engagement, will also send him a strong message of how much you value being moderate as opposed to changing in the extensive ways he suggests. It is plausible that it may motivate him to examine his views and how much change he can absorb in his own mindset. Right now it is about your choice of not wanting to give up your liberties of a normal life, of not being told by a man how you should dress, look, talk, address other people, your online presence etc.

I wld say take your parents' advice on how he's good for you with a pinch of salt. TBH, there is such a generation gap between parents and kids these days that I am not sure if they fully grasp how important the concepts are of 'choice', 'freedom', 'not being dictated by one's husband' etc. 'Niceness' is not enough. If your parents are genuinely broad minded and still not able to see how his behavior is worrisome - I'm not certain how that viewpoint can help unless they are seeing something the rest of us are not.

 

Hi Shabnam,

What you are feeling is completely natural. We are normal humans who cannot predict future, and hence this doubt. There was a compelling reason as to why you withdrew. So stand by your own decision. Don't make yourself not trust you in decision making. Irrespective of whether it is for good/bad, you have decided and called it Quits. So now focus on moving on. And the guy also will eventually move on.

There is a quote which goes like this,
' If you can be friends with the person you once loved, it means that you are still in love or never loved'.

I really don't know if you loved him.But he seems to be loving you in his own way. So his intention to remain friends with you is to stay in touch with you/he is hoping that you will reconcile. Staying in touch with him is not going to be good for you in long run. And I doubt if you want to ever reconcile. So just ignore his call for staying friends.

 

I have a problem with these cutesy sayings '' If you can be friends with the person you once loved, it means that you are still in love or never loved'.

This is simply not true. I can be friends with an ex not because I am still in love with him or that i never loved. It's just that right now, I am not in love with him + we split up amicably so that's how we can be friends.

 

Well its your opinion. I believe in the saying. Here in OP's case I think she can be friends with her Ex, but don't think the guy will have the same maturity. That is why quoted in her case.

 

Give some time for time to heal you. In few months from now, you will surely feel better. Settle down with the right person and all these thoughts wiil appear very insignificant then.
Good luck.