hard decision to make in my life

notownname · Mar 14, 2007

I am in one of the most difficult times of my life and I am writing to
seek some advice.
I am married for 4 years and have a 2 year old child and live in UK.
After my daughter was born, I started noticing my husband was less interested in me and more on the Internet.
After some investigation on his credit card stmt etc, I realized with horror that he had been going out for sex. It was the toughest time for me especially with the baby. I confronted him. First he pretended like he does not know anything. But after he knew for sure that I knew, he turned into apologetic mode, he apologized heavily and promised never to do it again. I cried for days, he always consoled me that it will never happen again.
Description of him: Before I knew about this problem, I thought I had the best family. My hubby is a very good guy, he loves the child so much, takes care of her a lot, all sleepless nights he was more awake with the baby more than me. He helps around the house and we get along so well too.
Me: arranged marriage. My parents are very religious people and getting old. In fact, they are one of the reasons I decided to stick to this marriage. When I told them about it and wanted a divorce, they suffered a lot mentally. When everyone told me to get a divorce, they told me to forgive and stick on to the marriage and to gather the power to change him.
They feared that if I divorced, I will be alone with the child in this world and my life will become miserable.
Both my parents have high Blood pressure etc. I fear for their health if I do something drastic. Divorce is not even heard of in our families. My parents are my life, as a single child, they brought me up with so much love and affection, I in fact live for them. Even though they live in India, we talk every single day and not one day they can sleep without hearing from me.

After a year, I happened to look again at hubbys credit cards, and found history repeating itself. He was on the internet inviting people for sex. He was using fake email ids and had actually gone out again with 2 or 3 people. I was so devastated and wanted to leave the marriage instantly.
Once again, he begged and pleaded and promised me that it wont happen again. He loved our daughter so much that he will end his life if he can’t live with her. In the middle of the night, he ran out saying he was going to die. I had no choice except to accept his apology and forgive. Also I thought of my parents and their status in the society. If I took a divorce, everyone will mock and make fun of my parents. So I did not tell them this time around and silently forgave everything.

I thought our lives were perfect once again, and once, just happened to check his bank stmts (for no reason) and found it was happening once again. Except that this time, he was using cash, so it took me a long time to figure it out. He has been so dishonest with me, I feel so terrible and sick.
I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I did not confront him yet, since I don’t have a plan of action after confronting. If I did not have a child or such close parents, I feel I would have ended my life.
Most people will say I should get out of this marriage asap. But our Indian background is so different. First of all, I do love this man still. It seems so weird but I don’t know why this is so.. maybe the only man I have known so closely other than father. Tears come to my eyes when I think of leaving. He says he loves me too a lot, but has this weakness.

I have to think of all the people I love – my child, my parents – it is in their all best interest for me to stay.
No one in the world will love my child like my husband does. My child is so happy when he is with both of us. If my parents health deteriorated if I made a drastic step, I will repent it for my life.
Please post your suggestions based on being an Indian and being aware of our family values.
I do have a temp job, so don’t have much problem financially at present to move out. But my visa expires in another year.
And I don’t have any emotional support and that is something I really need. I don’t have much mental courage and feel I will break apart very fast.
Can I ever hope that my husband will change and put on with his or should I leave for my own selfish reasons?
I will not respond in few days since I do not want to use home pc.

radhikaraj · Mar 14, 2007

Hi, First of all calm yourself. Your position is very delicate. First secure a permanent job. Try to put your child in creche if there is no one to take care of her there. If you are financially independent that will give you a lot of independence. That also might convey a message to your husband that you are capable of taking care of yourself. You just cant forget the whole incident and behave that nothing has happened. Once you feel you are ready to face the whole thing confront him. Tell him your feeling about the whole issue and how it might affect your baby's future. And let's hope he changes.

Shanvy · Mar 14, 2007

hi notownname,
It is a real delicate yo-yo kind of situation.
You are really brave, giving so many chances to your hubby. really practical in considering all the pros and cons.
From what you have written i understand
Though your husband loves you child, it is not strong enough for him to mend his ways or he has taken you for granted, knowing all your problems, ailing mom, the child's happiness, the visa.
So you have few options.
1. talk to him giving him an ultimatum.
2. your parents inspite of having high bp/ailing, maybe they are also worried about you. talk to them coolly and tell then you strong for both your child and your parents. (divorce is still taboo for some families agreed.but parents do come around when they know that it is the best option.) provided it is what you want.
3. Maybe he needs some counselling.
4. Just get a better job. it may change the equation when you have more financial independence.
5.Since i don't know much about uk visa, tell him that if he does not mend his ways you are leaving to india to stay with parent. it is stone in the dark may help since it will show him that you are not dependent on him for the visa...whatever. (Maybe he also knows it will difficult for you since your visa expires in a year.)

On top of all this we are here to give you that emotional support. be brave and positive.

love
shanthi

Kamla · Mar 14, 2007

Dear young friend,

I was extremely saddened to read about your unhappy married life. There are many things I would like to say about your husband. But all that is not going to reduce your misery or help.

After reading all that you said about your parents, your situation, your daughter and family background, the following is what comes to my mind. First and foremost, you should keep cool and be brave.

The best thing I read is that you have a temp job and you are earning some money. That is really good for starters. As you need him for your visa, you keep him! Yes, don't go for divorce just now. It is easy to say you will go back to your parents in India. They are already sick and heart broken and if you land up there with a baby, all four of you might make each other miserable. 'Use' your husband and his money and job to improve your situation in the UK. Take up evening college or educate yourself further and get a proper job. I know, it will take some time. But do you care? Look at it this way. You are married to this guy and have given some best years of your life. You have given him a daughter whom he seems to love. So whatever few advantages there are in this marriage, make use of it to improve your personal situation. Like others said, send your daughter to a day school and improve your skills and get a good job. Show your hurt and disappointment to him, at the same time, keep your dignity and distance from him and show him how strong and independent you can be. When the time is right, give your ultimatum and leave the guy.
You go girl. Make a success of your life and build a happy world for your daughter. Weak character of your husband need not destroy you completely. Try to build on the ruins.
I know, I can sit in the comfort of my home and write all this to you. One needs an enormous amount of courage and positive attitude to face such heart breaking situation, that too caused by one's own husband and come out of it victorious. But we will all pray for you. I shall. Let the love for your daughter and love for your parents be your guiding force.
Best of luck and my prayers and best wishes are with you.

PS: In my anxiety to reply to your post, I have forgotten to mention the most important step that you have to take immediately. Please, both of you should consult a marriage counselor at once. An outside person with an educated knowledge will be able to give advise most objectively and constructively. Do not hesitate to do this. This should be your first priority.

L, Kamla

safa · Mar 14, 2007

Its a very good answer Kamla..

sunitha · Mar 14, 2007

All of IL members have given valuable suggestions.A person who is very close to me has a similar situation like yours.She has a son and her husband has never bothered to take care of her or her son till date(almost 8 yrs).We hear upmteen bad things about him on a daily basis and it is still going on.However,she has now come away from him for the past 2 yrs and has taken up a job to support herself and her son.In this case however,she stays with her parents.

I wanted to add one thing to the suggestion.Since your husband is involved with other women sexually,you may want to go to a doctor and do a thorough check-up just to confirm that he has not transmitted any STD to you.

Cheer up,there is a life out there waiting for you.. and we are all there to help you.

Blondie · Mar 14, 2007

A very level headed advise Kamala.
One more thing to do will be to get a medical exam for AIDS/STD. With her husbands behaviour of finding sex partners on internet with out any prior background knowledge of those people chances are he might have been exposed to / passed on those to his wife. She needs to be mentally and physically be strong.
And there are so many womens help groups in US like ASHA (ASHA Inc - Asian Women's Self Help Association) and I am sure there might be some like that in UK too.
And having a frank talk about the possibility of getting exposed to AIDS also might prove to be a deterrent to him.

srinivasan_vanaja · Mar 14, 2007

hi,

i understand your position thoroughly. you have given enough chances to your husband to change himself. but have you ever talked to him about his habit openly. first of all what kind of a person is your husband? he goes outside for pleasure but not ready to leave you and the child. has he got the fears about the future, his life and the society.

analyze, whether he has at least a little bit of fear to all these things. then slowly make him understand that what he does is wrong and that pleasure is not eternal. speak to him about our culture (though he is aware) which is most respected all over the world. do not use harsh words, but be strong enough in explaining your views. make him understand that you are honest and you are deeply hurt by his dis-honesty.

don't demand in words from him (any sort of apology). put the ball in his court. let him make his own decision. your strong and talented speech will get him back to you totally. cheer up.

regards,

Vanaja

cheer · Mar 14, 2007

Hi,

Although everybody give really nice piece of advice to u, i would like to add some-

1) Do U have In-Laws, or some respected person from his side??? Talk to them, take them to ur side. They will talk to ur hubby & pressurize him.

2) Although i know ur parents didn't like the idea, but just try to convince them if they take ur side, will effect him drastically. He then gonna realize that ure not all alone. Try to make more pressure from ur parents side.

3) Go to India & try to find some good job in India, meanwhile thread him ure not coming back, take ur daughter with u or just tell him that u all will go to india & settledown there, maybe in india he will change.

Hope this will help.

vivbass · Mar 14, 2007

Hi,

It is really disturbing to read your problem. The first thing what you will need now is good amount of courage. I also understand, its easier to give advice, but probably few thoughts from us, might give you some solace and some third whole new thought process in the issue at hand.

1. Pls have as many close relatives involved in this matter, preferrably elders, also his brother, if he has. Pls make sure, that you will need to involve ppl who will have no seperate agenda, like making fun of the situation, for help.

2. For commiting suicide, its easier said than done. Pls do not think abt that, as life is very lovely thing to be enjoyed and not wasted, by inventing death, its not going to help ppl staying back.

3. Take the first available flight back to India, along with your daughter and also if possible, try to have a situation created at home, that he also has to come back to India. Then you can have the elders along to discuss and sort the issue and also this will lead to break in the relation with the other lady.

Hope this helps. Again I am extremelly sorry to read this.