1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Happy Relationship With Mil? Share The Little Tips/tricks/strategies

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by alady2018, Aug 11, 2018.

  1. alady2018

    alady2018 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    81
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    You know how for peace at home, we have developed or try to develop some strategies to handle the quirks of our spouses and our selves? Have you done something to smooth/better the relationship with your in-laws? A lot of times the advice here tends to be ignore-ignore-ignore - which might be the best thing in many cases. And so we have to and focus on our own selves. But sometimes we wish so much that this could be better. I am not asking for how to fix a really sour or bad relationship though - we all know how we've put in time, effort and love to sometimes see it not being reciprocated.

    When there is respect in your relationship with your in-laws, were there any things you did to try to better the relationship? I am looking for little life-hacks that can help.

    I was inspired by @Rakhii's thread in the married life forum to ask this:
    So I Finally Figured Out What Makes Him Happy
     
    Loading...

  2. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,011
    Likes Received:
    2,683
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Find common interests starting with their son/ your husband . Every parent is happy when their children are praised.
    Other common interests could be food , sarees, jewelry, movies , hobbies specially with MIL.
    I always make an effort to show them that I love the gifts they give me , however big or small. I cook FIL’s favorite dishes when he visits. So far so good .
     
  3. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    537
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Communicate; but keep the conversation on lighter side. It doesn't hurt to be jovial at times. Ignore, if something that may be critical. Overtime, relationship smooth out. I agree everything with Manisha.
     
    SinghManisha and kkrish like this.
  4. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    915
    Likes Received:
    1,550
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Tell the positive of your ils to your h.

    Feel like they are elders and can say anything to you.

    They are not just the old generation they are our future too. The way we behave with them is observed by our kids. The quality of life we will live with them will only decide the quality of life we live with our kids at our old age.

    This thread inspired me a lot.

    Spouse & I With Dad - A Surgical Operation

    Last but not least Decide in your mind that you have to improve only your behaviour not their.

    I too improved a lot after reading this post. Hopefully it will help you too.
     
    alady2018, SinghManisha and kkrish like this.
  5. goldenhoney87

    goldenhoney87 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    243
    Trophy Points:
    95
    Gender:
    Female
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2018
    alady2018, SinghManisha and kkrish like this.
  6. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    537
    Likes Received:
    593
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”
     
  7. kkrish

    kkrish IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,608
    Likes Received:
    10,032
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I truly am happy to read this post.
    The intention to work on this relationship to make it better, itself is the first step. This positive attitude is what it takes.

    Some tips from my experience if I may:
    - Do not compare her to your mother. No one can replace mother; she is unique.
    - Approach her as you would any other human being - treat her with respect, friendship, and a smile. No need to go overboard.
    - Make her feel important - very simple.
    • Just involve her in a conversation asking her about her childhood.
    • Ask her for a couple of recipes.
    • Ask her about what she likes
    - Discuss about something she likes - if she watches TV serial, even if you do not like watching it, ask her what story it is. (This is just an example) It can be movie, or old movies; about her college life. Share your funny moments when you were a child.
    - If she is good at crafts - learn from her or get her some supplies.
    - Do some thing special for her on her birthday.

    Most important:
    My parents, a few days before my marriage, gave me this important take-away advice.

    The fundamental idea is this: "she too is a mother and just as any animal is fiercely protective about her cubs/calves so is she. So behave in such a way that she sees you not as a threat between her son and her but as a bridge, not as a foe but as a friend"

    The second tip they gave me " Do not brag about your 'mother's home' all the time and at the same time do not tell bad things about your 'parents' family side relatives either. Be balanced.

    These were both priceless advice.

    Once you take the first step, which is the most difficult, you will come up with multiple ways on your own.

    Be warned: It may not be easy
    depending on your mil's nature. You may take two steps forward and one step back. Do not give up but persevere. Always see that you come out the better person.

    Also be straight forward, honest, and open. This keeps you always on a higher plane and she will have to raise herself if she wants to become a better person.

    Note: To all prospective mothers-in-law - This relationship is not an one-way act. You too have to make many changes in your attitude towards your d-i-l. If you want tips maybe another thread :)

    Best wishes
     
    KrishnaSri, peartree, Gauri03 and 9 others like this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    In this decade long marriage, I have tried certain ways to amend my relationship with PILs.
    Not sure whether they are happy or satisfied with my self, but certainly the tension has been reduced, and which helped both of us to move on from our bitter past.

    1. I've stopped paying attention to what my PILs say or do unless it concerns to me or my family directly
    2. Even if that concerns to us, I would take the particular matter in hand, and react together with my H, without bringing our bitter past.
    3. Zero expectation from PILs. So, when they say NO, it doesn't hurt us anymore.
    4. Respect the boundary. I don't interfere into their matters, no matter how much interesting they can be. At the same time, I would always guard myself/my family from their interferences
    5. Be respectful and polite for the matter that they are old, and they are my H's parents. So, whenever I am with them, I deliberately make myself to forget the past bitterness to be polite and respectful with them. Eventually, I could let go of the past for the peaceful today.
    6. Never ever want them to prioritize us. I know it is tricky and it comes with a baggage later. So, even if my H goes upset for the fact that PILs don't consider him as their priority, but his brothers. I calm him down by saying.. it is OK.
    Let them be happy with whom they want to be happy. This way, we are not controlled, not pressurized and not interfered. Let's enjoy this space.
    7. Never let my relationship affect their relationship with their son or grand-kids
    8. Never control myself or my family's happiness based on their approvals. We do what we want to do regardless of their likes or dislikes
    9. Regardless of the differences, we always include them in our important family events like birthdays, anniversary or any events
    10. Regardless of the differences, we are there as and when they are in need. We- being their neighbors will be the first when they are in need.

    This way, they can't complaint much about us. Even if they do, we don't get bothered about it.
     
    messedup likes this.
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    13,370
    Likes Received:
    24,115
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Based on this statement, the basis premises for building this relationship is mutual interest to build the relationship respectfully.

    MIL's perspective: Is she going to be a threat to my relationship with my son? - Will I continue to receive my son's love? - What kind of a person DIL is going to be?

    DIL's perspective: Will I be welcomed and be treated well by MIL? - Can I stay connected with my parents? - Will my husband continue to love me with all his heart and back me up, if I am not treated well by my MIL?

    If these questions could be addressed well, the relationship will stay healthy and respectful.

    Viswa
     
    messedup likes this.
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Not every parent, sadly. So this is a tricky thing..
    My MIL would go mad if I praise her son for helping me in the kitchen, or taking care of the kids.
    She equally feel hurt if I say her son understands me, accepts me with my flaws or makes me comfortable in this life.
    It is not because she is angry on me. But because her bitter marriage with FIL, where she has never received anything from her H... leave alone support and comfort.
    So, she feels insecure, lost and unhappy when other husbands - not necessarily her sons, do good things to their wives.
    As she accepts that it is OK to be tortured and insulted, she also believe it is a must do thing in a marriage.
    Any husband who treats his wife equally or do things to make her happy and comfortable are seen as spineless, henpecked men by my MIL. She openly insults such men, and questions their masculinity.
    This is the foundation that all her 3 sons failed to understand the role of a husband initially, until they see other men from their wives' family.

    So, now a days I never appreciate my H or praise his works or even show my happiness in this marriage before MIL. I pretend to be neutral and average in everything, which helps.
     
    SinghManisha likes this.

Share This Page