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Handling ILs..what worked for you?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by seekingpeace, Jun 28, 2010.

  1. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    There has been soo many threads and replied on handling ILs...though not many are successful i think..else we will not be posting again and again:spin

    So, I thought of having one common thred which just says what worked in your favor in getting things done ur way/tackling you MIL/FIL..and whether it was with /WO DH support..

    Please post what worked for you in what situation and what made ur ILs back off/agree to you!!

    Note: Not sure if there is a similar thread..so started one!
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I think the key to inlaws relationships (and any other relationship) is to accept that you can only control how YOU act, and that you have absolutely no control over other people's actions or how they feel about you. Once you accept that fact, you stop endlessly thinking "how can I make mil like me" or "how can I make sil be nice" or "how can I make fil stay out of our financial issues".

    I used to wonder, "how can I MAKE my mil like me?" But soon I realized the better question was, "My mil doesn't like me. That is a fact. What can I do?"

    I don't think there is any ONE quick fix solution. Rather I think problem solving is often a journey, with lot of different solutions you can try along the way. In the beginning of my journey with inlaws, I tried being nice, forgiving, and patient. Half way through my journey I realized that technique wasn't working so I got my husband involved and had him handle his parents. But still they wouldn't back off from me, so I cut contact with them. If they say anything about me, my husband has made it clear to them that he will cut contact from them too. And since I don't have contact with them anymore, I don't have anymore inlaws issues! That's what works for me.

    My inlaws still don't like me, but I'm ok with that. That's their right. They can feel however they want to feel. I stopped worrying a long time ago about who likes me and who doesn't. Dh stopped worrying about it too. If they want to play nice, he'll stay in touch with them. If not, they're out.
     
  3. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Great thread amniki - I am very interested in what others have to say.

    So far for me the only thing that has worked is distance but ILs don't want to stay away anymore so I have to come up with something new.

    The worst part is ILs used to like me till DS was born. After DS was born, they thought I would hand him over to them and disappear conveniently because I was a 'working mom with no time for my child' (their words not mine). When I refused to let them do whatever they wanted with my child and my house they decided they don't like me and they have made my life very difficult.

    I can tell you what has not worked:
    1) Direct discussion - they think I am immature to bring any confrontation to the open
    2) Subtle hints - they ignore me
    3) Telling DH - he will intervene once in a while but it bugs him to support me over his parents so I have stopped asking him

    I do agree with asuitable girl though - I have stopped trying to please them and that has helped me remain in control and calm more often than not. Plus now when I do something very nice (Eg: make a special dish for FIL) they react (sometimes negatively but mostly positive) as opposed to treating it like its 'my duty' to serve them.
     
  4. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I categorize such activities equivalent to handling TERROR ATTACK. Both get EGO pleasure after watching the site of destruction, their way of communicating message and TEACHING a lesson.

    No matter how much care you take, 1 miss and there you go.......
    All that works is post attack disaster management & dressing your wounds & those of near and dear ones, you get a learning curve from the last act and guard yourself on those lines.. however there's soon a brand new strategy and another attack.

    What has worked for me ... as soon as I identify a strange behaviour I need to get into my safety suit to survive another blast... and avoid contact... there's no policing authority who can diffuse that bomb :crazy. Sometimes I do end with splinters.

    Am sorry if I've hurt emotions of those in beautiful inlaw relationship... here's just my reality.
     
  5. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Agree with all of you on the point that we can never please them as thats not what they want!

    @asuitablegirl! how did you get your DH's support? Thats very very difficult for me to get...

    and you are right @shilpama..one small misstep, not even a mistake, one small deviation from what they expect and then its World War!!

    For Kitchen/cooking, i was able to handle it by giving complete ctrl to MIL when she visits...earlier she was happy...now she is slowly getting angry that am not helping her prepare breakfast ( usually MIL completes it by the time i getup and DH doesnt force me to getup early)...and ofcoz now her DS is not appreciating her food as earlier..not coz of me as MIL thinks..coz she messes up often these days due to over enthusiasm!! :)

    So i just make my kitchen back to how i want after she leaves..instead of fighting on this..i let her have her way...

    but other than this..facing trouble on all other aspects right from what i should wear to some wedding...had to lie to her just so that she doesnt force me to change dress twice like her in wedding! and she got angry for that also, but cudnt tell much as DH was supporting me at that time :spin

    How to get DH support in handling ILs?
     
  6. sonalst

    sonalst New IL'ite

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    The only way to get your DH listen to your issues with the MIL is to keep informing him. Set aside sometime once a week to go over what has happened. Let him know how your MILs behavior is affecting you and thereby your marriage. Keep prodding on. Let him consider it as complains or venting...but you need to continue to do so until it gets into his head that his mother is creating problems.
     
  7. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    I don't know where to begin.. I got sick with interference of my in-laws.. So i recently cut contact with all of them.. That put a full stop to their interference.. I don't know if they are happy/unhappy about it.. But i'm leading my life peacefully.. I do realize that even my husband has understood things now, so he is not really forcing me to keep in touch with my in-laws..
    I don't know the reason why they hate me so much.. i just realized that i can't please everyone.. I have to let things go..
    So cutting off contact with them (in-laws) has worked for me.. I hope not to see them forever..
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2010
  8. sweetmommy

    sweetmommy New IL'ite

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    Yes...There is no need to worry if ILs like us or not...As long as they dont create problems in my life am ok with it..I hardly got to stay with them after mariage..but now they are with us and its been going well so far..Just that we need to keep quiet for anything they comment about..Of course she wont comment about me..But in general on any topic if she is wrong.i just keep quiet..u know just to reduce the tension in the scene :idea ....Also it depends on the in-laws...totally..as far as mine are concerned they are good..but any in-law with few exceptions will expect more and more form the DIL..It is upto us to make them realise their limit of expectation..Whatever the case..I need respect from them as a person..just because am married to the son does not mean that i am one less of a person..come on..they should be treating us royally because we keep their son happy and thats what any parent would want..I dont know why this IL issues comes up in families ...I guess people just dont think reasonably..Atleast hope that there will be less similar issues in the coming generations..
     
  9. GoodTeacher

    GoodTeacher New IL'ite

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    Good one.. I'm very new at this, and let me tell you one thing.. I am not successful when it comes to dealing with ILs and his family. But it's only one year into the marriage, and maybe I'll get better at this "game"?

    My mother says that distance keeps relationships on good terms. She had learned things about my MIL during the wedding planning and suggested that I do my best to create a good relationship with my DH, and keep "distance" from ILs.. but meet on occasions and call here and there. Well my ILs and the family love drama.

    My BIL's wife and I don't get along.. but she seems to be very close to my MIL. This is what I've seen her do: she listens to MIL's gossip, she calls her everyday, she pretends that she needs help with everything and asks MIL for help, and she does whatever MIL says then complains about MIL behind her back. This seems to be the opposite of what everyone is advising, but it seems to work for her. Hey, thought I'd throw it out there. Some people might prefer to get closer than create distance.
     
  10. seekingpeace

    seekingpeace Silver IL'ite

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    Doubt if any of it would work out for me....

    1) If i dont talk to ILs,..they complain to DH that i dont talk to them...and
    2) If i talk to them..then they complain that i dunno what to talk...
    3) If I talk cautiously/restricted ...then they complain that i dont move freely
    4) If I move freely again point 2 ....:rant

    For me its a never ending loop!!

    maybe someone can teach me how to talk to my ILs :spin
     

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