H1 ladies vs H4 homemakers

soccermom · Jan 15, 2008

Hello All,
Just 'discovered' this forum & am pretty amazed by all the wonderful people who take time to give great advice & form a virtual support system - kudos to you all!

Wanted to get your thoughts on the H1 working ladies forum vs H4 homemakers - I think it can generally be agreed that there is a real need to start some kind of pressure group for H4 visa holders to be allowed to work just like there was a hugE lobby by H1 /green card applicants recently with the 'flower-power' campaign.
I feel that there are a lot of talented women out here who are unfairly denied the opportunity to work unless they are doctors/engineers and that too only after they brush up their CVs with additional academic inputs and spending a lot of money on pursuing these courses, MS, MD, etc. - which is totally unfair to our dempgraphic group.

In the meanwhile a lot of H4 ladies who were working in pretty good jobs back in India are now forced to sit at home esp since many of them are here for a few years before they return and it is not practical to invest a tidy sum in furthering their education...which I feel is pretty valid. I find that a lot of ladies after spending years on the "bench' and who finally start working here on H1 visas seemto have some sort of superiority feeling and are always trying 'rub it in' as far a H4 ladies are concerned - I have noticed this on several occassions. Infact, I feel the longer they themselves stayed at home, the more aggressive they are to make other H4 ladies feel worthless once they start working instead of empathising since they TOO WENT THRU THE SAME THING!
Sorry for venting but have met a lot of rude H1s recently and couldnt understand why they are behaving in this bizarre manner! There were some females who would in the guise of 'frienship' take turns to drop off their kids for a play date and mysteriously get 'busy' when its their turn to babysit others' kids..stating their working on a project or blah,blah,blah.....is it just my experience or have you ladies had a similar experience...would love to hear your thoughs on this....
Another strange topic of discussion when you meet desis is that they will place a lot of emphasis on 'exactly how many years have you been in the USA?" I fail to understand what they are trying to establish by this...If you are relatively new then they will switch off and walk away.....funny but its true!
Or they will start talking about materialistic things like what kind of car, HDTV, holidays, electronics, etc. which again is socially crude - funnily they never behave this way with the natives ( Americans) !!!:thumbsdown
Or they will stare at you if you smile at them in a mall or dept store...
I think the more affluent we get materially, the more depraved we get socially...and all the camaraderie/homeliness we expect when we meed a desi in videsh quickly disappears...
which is why I am once again amazed by all you ILites and thank y'all for reaffirming my faith that goodness in desis abroad is not dead- wish I cud meet some of you in person sometime !

Cheers

PS Sorry about the long post...but needd to get it out of my system

Drpreethis · Mar 18, 2008

Good post , Soccermom ! I couldnt pass by without saying that good desis are still around !!

ds0612 · Mar 18, 2008

Hi..i am newbie here and i perfectly agree to everything you said in your post..i also came across few h1 and i dont know but they stressed on the fact that its gonna be more tougher..i almost wanted to punch her face! frankly speaking..being on h1 visa and doing everything on your own..cooking cleaning..working..bonkand if u hv kids..then thats it....i call it slogging of highest order.sometimes i think i am better off being on h4 at least i am spending some time alone!

vidhyalakshmid · Mar 18, 2008

:hatsoffHi soccermom,
Hats off to you. Your views are very bold and true also.
Here especially in US desis always assess other desis.
Those who have GC will talk and make friends with GC holders
only.It is what I have seen. Others might have different experience.
If we meet any desi first question will be how long you are here(US)
Based on the reply some persons may react.
Instead, IL is a mood booster and window to the world without commitment

lakshmip · Mar 21, 2008

hi soccermom,

i am a new member .just want to appreciate u'r words which r very true .ya even i faced this.i showed ur post to my hubby.even he liked it.the thing is we were talking abt this issue at home earliar thinking everybody in the US r same materialistic and we felt so lonely.
we came to US in 2003 and left in 2005 to india coz we felt lonely and i was pregnant then
just few months back we r here again (coz some personal reasons) but ready to face those desis.but when i found this indusladies community its sigh of relief and ur article is just awsome.it feels good to know thinkalike people.

hey sorry for long mail if i am boring anybody...

regards
lakshmi.

Mythraeyi · Mar 21, 2008

Hello,

I've been on both sides of the fence - came here as H4 then switched to H1. Yes, some desis are snobbish and materialistic but most are ok. I think the ones who have been here a long time tend to get more and more consumed with 'keeping up with the joneses" syndrome. Another big thing is buying a house. Those with homes tend to look down at those who rent (esp if you have been here for a while). There may be many reasons for us not buying a home here. Frankly I feel it is a headache to maintain a home here - doing all the cleaning, maintenance, lawn mowing etc by yourself. Sometimes I feel a little envious of H4 ladies - have lots of time to relax and miss my days of staying at home and doing nothing - although at that time it felt so boring. I guess you cannot have everything but have to make the most of what you have.

vaidehi · Mar 21, 2008

Dear soccermom,

Hey all u r lines are so very true, infact i used to feel so bad when all these ladies out there behave so arrogantly. But slowly i get to understand all them are just trying to pull each other down and prove their superiority.

I am here in US for not more than 4 months, and i have so many bad exp that sometimes i feel so unhappy of being here. i get to see that people out there form certain type of group and mingle within that circle only.And the ones who come talking to u are either into some networking business or need some help from u.

Regd H1 ladies/ GC holders, my GOD... there Arrogance knows No ....Boundaries. In my case one of my relative who is in US for last 10 yrs has done her MBA and started working here, Whenever we happen to visit them she passes such cold shoulders to me. she would always keep boasting about her friends circle,her Sons Pvt school fees and would always be arranging some or other kinds of parties over the phone.
I still fail to understand, what do we loose when people atleast recognise or greet each other knowing they belong to our country.

i rather feel so nice when So many English people voluntarily come and greet each other as we pass by.

Cheers
vaidehi

Parvat · Mar 21, 2008

Hi Soccermom,
Most of what you have described rings true.It happens at all visa levels.As money and success go to people's head,they forget many basic truths about being human.
Do not take it personally.Enjoy each day.
Parvat

Nandshyam · Mar 21, 2008

Soccermom and other who had been hurt, I feel very sorry that you need to go thru this. I have never been a H4, but I can understand the frustrations. I was always in this side

Frankly speaking, I think you shouldn't allow to be treated that way tsktsk

I have few advices

(1) Desis have this mentality. If they know some and been for a while somewhere, they tend to think they know ALL. Whenever you see a person like that, either walk away from them or make them feel that no one in this world can know everything and be the perfect of all.

(2) I know being a H4 or new to this country/city, everything seems to be new to you. But don't show that desperateness to others, especially to the persons you think will hurt you like those ladies. Spend time in internet and get to know what you need to know. Remember just because they are working or been here for a while, doesnt mean they are the queens:********

(3) Be happy for what you are. Thats the main mistake most of the women fail to do. Immediately seeing a working woman, they feel inferior (my personal opinion on seeing many... I am not saying everyone ) Show that out too. Whenever you are in groups or any party, make a point to show off that how much you are enjoying relaxing at home and having a time of your own. How you can make some romantic surprises for your hubby when he comes back, Thank God that you dont have to rush home, cook and lead a mechanical life.

(4) About the GC holders, Citizens and Other h1 groups, if you feel they are avoiding you, why care. Don't give a damn about it. Its better of without them right.. Do you really need such stupid people in your life? I know when you are new to this country you want to have a circle of friends to spend time together. But please dont rush into anything, analyze the people and choose who are genuinely there for you. Those friendships alone will last, others will just give you pain even though in shorter lifespan it might be good.

(5) About, how long is the stay question: If you hate that, make them understand it. I used to sarcastically tell them, "Does it matters how long one stays in this stupid country?". You can even try, "I don't count my days, sorry!". Or "So and so years/months/days, who cares, anyway. I am just enjoying one day at a time".

Girls Never loose your stand or self respect and be belittled by those idiotic people. You are not lesser than them and if you get a chance make them see it.

Finally, ignore all these and enjoy your life!!! End of the day who gives a damn right

Jithiks · Mar 21, 2008

Hi All,

Just now saw this thread and surprised to know that many ladies have gone thru this phase when they come to US. Even I had many bad experiences initially. I never let myself feel inferior to anyone but was extremely sensitive.

Later I got used to the behaviour of ladies with GC and own homes. They have this put on accent and look down upon families who are new here. Even when we say that we are yet to learn driving..they would be shocked!

I decided that I would never be like them even when we get GC and have our home.

Today, I try to remain the same way as I was when I came to US 8yrs back in terms of attitude and helping others. My motto is "Treat others the way you want to be treated".

Always, we should remember we are in no way inferior to anyone. We are what we are wherever we are!

Jithiks