H blame game :(

BDivya · Jul 13, 2015

Hi all,

Iam here again to seek all of ur help..
Scenario: FIL not talking to me for 2 months now.. The fight was coz of my burst out to mil,fil,h..they were trying to manipulate him over n i could nt put up with the **** n yelled at them saying they have done this for a long time n its affecting my relationship with h.. at that time they threatened that u go alone n stay in nuclear family.. like go away from joint.. my h started to worry on this n then started with the blame-me-game.. he said im responsile for the not peace in his home.. right from the beginning f the marriage there had been some issues with mil n me.. im the 2 dil n the 1 dil is very chaalu n has got a good name for herslef with these ppl..so frm initial days there hadd been comparison betwn me n co sis.. i din like that..so i had probs.. n now when they go alone h started feeling bad n started pleeding them n took their side.. following this fight there was another one in very short duration n again they said go alone.. evertime wen they say this he used to come n yell at me in the room..he will say im the reason for all this..n how he going to behave badly in future i.e wen we go alone..n how he is going to treat my parents bad wen we go alone.. but he fails to understand that its their trick to say go alone..n till date there had been no second talks abt going alone.. they do all this so that he can come n yell at me n i keep quiet..
so...coz f all this fil stopped talking to me.. initially i tried talking to him..small talks like take coffe appa..do u want one more dosa.. even for this basic ques he doesnt answer back so i stopped asking him anythuing.. i felt that its not my mistake n i had bursted out one day after all 3 yrs of keeping so many bad incidents in my mind..

current: h every now n then (i.e) every 2 days for sure and on weekends he keeps the blame game on me.. he keeps on saying there is no peace in this house coz of me..all his happiness n theirs is gone coz of me.. all the probs r coz f me.. wen co sis can adjust y not me..(i ask .. wen she was there no one was there to b compared to.. n no expectations were set.. n leave all the **** behind...how can one person try to be like another??i have come to that house by marrying h n to stay happy.. but not to satisfy others n behave like co sis...) i seriously got pissed off wen they were wanting me to b like her.. so i stopped offering my help n kitchen little by little n showed my not-so-happy like this.. what????i cant do this also?? im also a human being.. wen 2 ppl of same cadre/rights/level are there then there should be same treatment right?? else how will i like them ???
today alos h is saying like u r the cause n all that.. it makes me cry.. i see this is affecting our relationship.. if i have to make this relationship in good shape then i should go n apologise to mil n fil n bil n cosis.. im not ready for that.. i feel there is nothing wrong with my behaviour n that days incident.. i feel i did react coz i couldnt put up..
now his heart n mind is full of thoughts like all probs n no-peace n no-happiness in his house is coz of me.. n thats y he hates me.. he says that he is together with me coz of our son.. he dosent like me n hates me for breaking his house.. i ask what have i done wrong? should nt i react??
he dosent talk to me nicely/lovingly/romantically/... he dosent smile at me.. he treats me as if im his enemy n wants to get rid of me..he dosent want to talk to me anything..anything...

I dont know what ot do???
help me please...console1

coolgal123 · Jul 13, 2015

If i wuld have been at ur place i wuld have said to ur hubby tht its not me but ur parents dont luv u enuf thts y they give u threat of going for nuclear family....if thet cant put up wth me for ur sake why shuld i put up wth them...
anyway....dil, who loose the patience and become loud , is treated as the home breaker....u can do lots of manipulation under the guise of politeness this is okay for the soceity....nobody will be able to point finger at u....
u need to be smart and emotionally strong in dealing with this family political drama... right now u r very touchy n emotional....if possible for sone days take a break...may be go to ur parent's place....

BDivya · Jul 13, 2015

thanku for the reply ... can u help me with being a smart dil?? i feel im not smart enuf thats y i always get these kind of treatment from h as well as mil n fil...

GoneGirl · Jul 13, 2015

Hi BDivya,

I am sorry that you are enduring such trouble from your hubby and his family.
There are two ways you can go from here:

1. Act confident and maintain your stance that you were right and never bend down to their demands. Do what you think is right, and convey to everyone that you will be ready to face anything. To do this you have your husband's support or you reach a state when you decide that your independence /self respect is more important than living like this!

2. If you do love your hubby unconditionally, then let go of your self respect for the time being and say sorry to them and then try gaining your hubby's support. Once he loves you and supports you more, whatever you do will be right.. But this definitely takes time, until then you would have to put up as a dumb DIL who would be OK with anything. If you feel apprehensive about apologizing, blame it on the stress at work that made you break down and you are sorry for that.
Learn to be smarter. Try not to get confrontational with your in-laws' family, if you have any issues try finding a friend who can patiently listen to your vents. Stop complaining to your hubby, about your in-laws. Personal praises, such as you are an amazing cook, how do you do this dish so tasty, and so on to mil and co-sis, and try gaining their confidence. Try to help them out as much as possible and tell them you will do the weekend cooking, as they have been doing all weekdays. Buy them small gifts from time to time, such as a saree to make them realize that you think of them, especially a surprise gift on their birthdays as people always feel happy when someone remembers their special day. Important of all, make sure you invest your savings in a smart way and remain financially independent.
Good luck!

iamsrihere · Jul 13, 2015

My only question to you..

Why is your husband so much against going for a nuclear family? He has a sibling , that too a good DIL to look after his parents right? This concept is not new in today's world. If staying together and breaking the family is frustrating why not go alone and live in peace? It might give some peace for him as well.

Iam curious to know why your husband says NO.

songbird46 · Jul 14, 2015

Go through a lot of IL posts...you will slowly learn to be a 'smart DIL'...though you are already a smart wonderful person. You just need to learn how to handle people who cross your boundaries. Its a hard lesson, but worth it for your peace of mind. Also, prepare to lose your 'good girl' tag. Good luck friendssmiley

coolgal123 · Jul 14, 2015

@bdivya....emotional dettachment is what u required....people takes benefit of other person emotions....till the time people feel tht they have power to make u feel bad they will constantly win....

Once emotional detachment is their person thinks frm mind not frm heart ...hence automatically act smart....
emotional detachment comes with time n practice....
for me it came when for me all limits were crossed....i have done my best still my inlaws reached to their worst....automatically i got emotionally detached frm them....