Guys dont reply to ladies personal thread

Here is what you can try
1. Do not reply for the first message. Ignore
2. If you receive second message, gently warn
3. If you receive third message, show it(and previous messages) to admins and leave it to them.

 

Thanks for acknowledging my presence on this thread. I took the path less taken (by other women posters) in support of (some) male posters, but I am a woman. I like chocolates, the color pink, glitter, bling and all that.

 

I think the larger topic was not whether OP was trustworthy or not, but the conscious or subconscious act of telling someone that a message is harmless. The receiver of a PM should have the agency to decided whether a PM is offensive or not. Tashi Dalek has rightly said, that far too often women are told "it's just a friendly message, forget about it."

I think whether a member is new or old if they find something offensive then others should stay out of it. Rather than tell them "Oh it was just a harmless, friendly message". It should be up to the receiver to decide it.

 

i have some reservations about the genuineness of OP, but i will leave that to the mods.

i want to address all those posters who responded along the lines of ignore, report, these things happen, move on. why are women asked to suppress their protest at the kind of behavior OP is complaining against? every day, in ordinary situations such as going to work, traveling on public transport, etc women have the experience of being harassed, either subtly or overtly. but the overriding message is 'this is the world, this is how most men are, deal with it". and this is precisely the reason most men do such things over and over again.

sure, she can take all those steps, but the point is many posters have experienced this kind of unwanted communication on the site. men join with the express purpose of trying their luck. if banned, no problem. just join again with a new identity. this is not a popular opinion, but a big majority of indian men really have no maturity and skill to handle a platonic relationship. most women are easy game and they will try and seek friendships with an ulterior motive. if it's a singles site, members know what to expect from each other and respond accordingly. however on a site such as this, frandship PMs are demeaning and unacceptable.

why are some men posters responding so strongly against this? as long as they have not been unfairly maligned why the need to take up cudgels on behalf of these predatory posters?

 

now, tell us how you really feel, sister!

 

---------Never mind its pointless

 

Currently I am unable to look into the many reported posts in this thread. My Fil is unwell and I may have to go to India. I dont want my post to distract this thread in anyway. Please continue the discussion.

Admins will take care of this thread. Sorry for the delay and thank you for your patience.

Op, Please report that pm now. Action will be taken immediately.

 

I have been the recipient of unwanted attention from a woman, an experience that was quite unpleasant & terrifying in its own way. This was a work situation involving an intelligent, educated, well qualified, financially independent woman, who had emotional problems – problems that led to very strained relationships with all co-workers. Except me. I went with my default state of being accepting of limitations. Seeing that she had no ‘friends’ at work, I made a fateful choice, to be that one person who did not judge her. I resisted or avoided all situations that had the potential for conflict.

The upshot of this, over the course of a few years, was that she decided that she was in love with me and wanted to be more than friends. She made that declaration face to face, quite openly, leaving herself very vulnerable to rejection. I was acutely aware of and sensitive to this. I demurred, gently, firmly, with the greatest courtesy possible. But matters did not end there.

She persisted in her attentions – driving by my house, running into me ‘randomly’ at the unlikeliest places, showing up at my home, uninvited, with a ‘here I baked this for you’ offering, musing out aloud, even to my friends, about how she cannot get me to ‘open up’ to her, orchestrating situations for conflict at work. It was unbearable. I confided in my friends, but generally kept it quiet. All I allowed myself to see was a lonely, vulnerable young woman. Here is a woman being ‘nice’ to me and yet I felt irritated by her attentions. I felt bad. I felt bad about feeling bad.

Until one day she disappeared for a couple of weeks.

To India. First overseas trip ever. She dropped in on my parents. Uninvited. She did not have their address, which means that she had stolen it from my computer or rifled through my desk or my backpack at work. I knew nothing about this, until my parents mentioned that my ‘friend’ had dropped by. I was aghast. She came back, blithely confiding to me that she wanted to see where I grew up. To get to know me better. Only then did I realize that I had let this go too far. The stalker signs my friends had warned me about, their ‘diagnosis’ of a borderline personality all took on new meaning. I was terrified as I imagined spurious accusations, of the sort one reads about in newspapers, being made by this woman scorned, in some unstable fit of pique. Sleepless nights ensued.

The one day soon after this, she really lost it. She pushed me against the wall at work and grabbed me by the neck. My co-workers were there to see it. The only thought running through my mind was “Keep your hands visible, stay cold.” Thoughts made possible by those sleepless nights imagining what might happen. I kept my arms up above my head, against the wall, palms open. My colleagues peeled her off.

Now it was all out in the open. I wanted to a make a formal charge, not to hurt her, but to have something on record. I was dissuaded from doing so - in the interests of time, energy, effort, making the group look bad, what have you - “Let me deal with it. I will take care of you. Don’t rock the boat” was the refrain.

I let it go.

Some men do understand.

What I have tried to defend, over and over again, is not a person, but a principle - of open debate, openness in general. No cryptic comments, no banning for unpopular opinions (though odious), no deleted posts. I will let my record speak for itself.

 

Having said all that, I hate to leave IL on a sour note. I am not impressed with the debate on this thread, but I am very impressed with Malathy. So here is one last story about uninvited attention, with a happy ending, as a toast to her. Goodbye and good luck!

My friend and flat-mate Q introduced me to a new friend of his, L, an attractive young grad student. We, the three of us and assorted friends, hung out together all semester. One fine summer’s day, when she was over at our place, L says: “Hey I have tickets to the play next week, want to go?” I looked over at Q -“Dude we are not doing anything this Friday are we? Let’s go!” We went and a fun time was had by all.

A few weeks later, she’s over for dinner and L says “Hey I have tickets to the play next week, do you want to go?” So, I yell over to Q to say “Q, Dude, the next play in the series is on, let’s go!” We did and had a great time.

Then the third and final play of the Shakespeare season rolled up. L came up to me and said “I have tickets to the new play, do you want to go?” Then, before I could reply, she said “I got two tickets!” She pondered this statement and then decided it was not sufficient. “I did not get a ticket for Q. So, it’s just you and me.” My first thought upon hearing this was, oh man, did they quarrel already? It’s only been a semester. And they are both so nice! “Jeez people, can’t we all just get along?” my thought balloon wondered. But I went to the play. We had a very good time.

All was not right however. Something in her behavior was off. A certain flightiness perhaps? I could not put my finger on it, but I am a scientist dammit. I came home, I set up the diff eqs and the differential matrices, logged into the cluster and modeled the scenario. Sure enough - computers are great, what a time to be alive – after a bit of huffing and puffing the HAL9000 came back with its assessment: “Dear Dr. Doofus, there is an infinitesimal, but measurable probability that this was a date. Future behavior is best predicated on this assumption.” Of course HAL was right (Otherwise you would not be hearing about this, right?) - she had had to exchange two tickets for three the previous times - we laughed about it.

People, this is why you make your kids eat their vegetables & send them to grad school.
So they can figure stuff out.
I is smart.