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Guys dont reply to ladies personal thread

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happy016, Jan 14, 2014.

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  1. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah Finest Post Winner

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    This is a truism.
    How can anyone possibly disagree?

    Well, yes, but the real question is: Is that effort worthwhile, is it necessary?
     
    vaidehi71 likes this.
  2. vibha_81

    vibha_81 Gold IL'ite

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    CW, I live in eternal hope:)
     
  3. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    I am logging in after a few months and saw this thread trending on IL. Glad to see not much had changed in these months :) I remember a few months ago, I had started a similar thread titled "Not fast Enough" where I initiated discussions about men accosting women on a virtual world for personal information and email address so they can contact directly as IL's PM is "not fast enough".

    Now I did the "ignoring" bit too initially but that did not help me much. More than one male member said the same "not fast enough" line which made me think these virtual stalkers went to the same school of stalking to get their pointers.

    I finally started a thread and did not name names either. One simple reason was to shame them enough with fear of exposure so that they would not continue with it. One or two of the guilty did not take bait however one brave (?) person did (and finally got himself banned). Many had chimed that they received similar PM's. Therefore, I have no reason to disbelieve the OP. And BTW (sidebar) why are new posters automatically viewed so cynically? Did we all not start somewhere?

    I am also not sure how Soka's examples are relevant to the thread. Seriously I don't. But then I tend to be more emotional than cerebral so that could be it. Like him I was a victim of unwanted attention. I was petrified for my life and physical well being. I was also in a situation where my victimizer had more power. It took me over 5 years to get over that feeling of fear and constant looking over my shoulders. And it is because of that situation that I strongly believe that when someone (anyone) says no, it means no. If someone does not want to be contacted, its a very simple request and I think others should respect and support that. There should be no justification or defensiveness for that. Yes there are "ignore" "report post" options but if she wants to vent in a thread too, so be it.

    While I am all for male participation in all spheres of our lives- in a real and virtual world, I will be very frank and say I always wonder about men being such robust participant in forums like marriage / in-law problems, TTC etc etc. It is only because this is predominantly a women centric site and if I were to put myself in a situation where if my husband where actively participating in a women's discussion of "purity or impurity of period" and similar topics, I would be a little concerned/ disturbed/ kinda put off. No matter how concerned a man is about women's issues, I don't understand what have to contribute to such topics. I am afraid I am not that broad-minded, after-all.

    But that being said, personally don't care if other men participate in any thread in respectful manner if they (and/or their wives/ girl-friends) are comfortable.

    Not matter how this discussion is sliced and diced, if someone asks not be personally bother via PM's the solution should never be- "just ignore".
     
    2 people like this.
  4. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    As much as I promised myself I would not write here. But the re-posting of this particular post has lured me.

    I am not sure about other posters, but now I feel like I have a burning desire to explain why I found this post extremely useful. I think I would probably not even have paid attention to this post had it come from a male poster, from whom I did expect this response. I think what really gladdened me is that this post was made by someone, who I have always found to be very sensitive to everyone's issues and who I thought would not say something that surmounts on telling what a member needs to do.

    This is how I interpreted the following post. I see this post as a member telling anyone, without considering his esteemed privilege, how she should react to a PM. Of course, the first portion of it is informative, had it been stopped there it would have been mediocre. But then there is this suggestion that one has to behave in a certain way if one wants to come across as an educated adult and take responsibility for one's participation. Far too often in non-virtual world everyone is told to rationalize creepy behavior and "ignore" such behaviors. But this one did not say that!

    I agree not all men are predatory, but I or in this case the OP should have the right to decide if I see a PM as an assault to my personal space or as predatory. Good that he did not tell me what is predatory and what is not. Thanks for telling me to act like an educated adult and take responsibility for their participation, by not putting the onus on admin to monitor, weed out these predators and safeguard my interests but equipping me with tools to report, facilitating pm quick access to report, banning miscreants, giving the right to the person receiving the PM to report. It does not absolve the sender of their responsibility but make them look like fools by reporting and getting them banned!

    None of the posters here felt the need to say that posters should act like educated adults and take more responsibility for their actions. After all the intelligent​ suggestion of handful is elevating the name of many (of the gender) and fostering a gender-neutral platform though the portal portrays a woman-oriented in its domain.

    This whole thread has been a whopping learning experience for me.

    P.S: Archie, perspective matters just like english matters! :)

    P.S.S: Not sure why the same words of Soka sounded very different to me, may be the brulee I am eating.
     
  5. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    Damn! I did not want to take sides, and was stopping myself from posting here but the last few posts really made me to stand up to battle the inanities, fatuous statements, logical fallacies. Now that lines drawn, rapiers sharped, camp set up, bring it on!

    Gonna be one fun thread! Too much to risk but worth the cause! :)
     
  6. Uttaraa

    Uttaraa Platinum IL'ite

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    I sensed that Rihana and I were the only ones missing in this thread. thinkingsmiley
     
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  7. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Very well said, Arch!
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I looked into the Spam folder of my gmail, and blushed a hue that would eclipse a bright sunset. In spite of gmail's best efforts, I've received those in the Spam folder, and on occasion in my regular inbox. I have designed and developed mail systems long before the internet became so accessible. There is no way gmail can make sure I do not receive any spam email. Similarly, there is no way I can be 100% free of marketing and survey phone calls or knocks on the door from well-meaning individuals who just happen to think differently about God than I do.

    I don't see how my inbox here can be totally free of bothersome PM's. I don't see how any rules or anyone can prevent a member from sending me a PM if he/she has the ability and my permission settings allow that.

    One of the steps to manage those is "ignore" them. This suggestion from a member who happens to be male being linked to "never tell a woman how she should feel about something that bothers her" is taking it too far.

    I am not sure if I admire Soka's patience or wonder about his having masochistic traits as he continues to explain himself in this thread.

    An avatar of a dancing lady, and 2000 posts do not prove that I am female. Never assume. Always be safe, on the internet and elsewhere.
     
    kaniths, Sofea, Uttaraa and 5 others like this.
  9. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    does your singular experience speak for the majority? perhaps, knowing their credibility is going to be doubted, they never spoke up and chose to 'ignore' as many have suggested. i personally have received PMs from men that participated as married men in this form. perhaps i should have saved them!

    PMs serve a function on a website. for members to communicate with each other privately. no doubt, this function can be misused and nothing can really prevent that. Rihana compared this to spam on her gmail acct. i don't think that is a valid comparison. because, here a person has access to the member's personal situation, uses the forum to gain her trust via advice and suggestion, moving further to try and establish contact via PM.

    this OP has chosen not to name and shame him, but opened a request and cautionary thread to inform other posters of what is happening. if her post has caused such outrage among the few male members here, may i ask why? if i were a male participating and read this, the simple thing to do is to respond to the OP on such a thread asking her if she would mind receiving a PM from him on a sensitive subject? i actually ask a member to check her inbox to confirm if she has space for a PM that i intend to send!

    people are all for male participation here, why not extend that same open mindedness to a woman's right to voice her concern and protest without actually insinuating that she is lying and asking for proof and trying to paint the entire male community with the same brush? would these members extend that openness and do away with women officers for frisking women, ladies bus and train specials, etc? after all men are part of our society too, why discriminate like that?
     
    4 people like this.
  10. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    i don't think so. of this as a fun thread, that is.
     
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