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Guilt Feeling And Negative Thoughts

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Happygirl6, Jun 6, 2019.

  1. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    I have been divorced recently and I am 29 years old. I had posted my story before in the forum and my husband (ex) is not at all interested in me from the second day where he spoke about divorce. Before marriage I got a chance of meeting him twice and he was normal at that time. On the marriage day while tying the knot he is not at all happy and he gave me weird stare. While exchanging the garlands he dint even make an eye contact and he never smiled even in one photo. One will clearly make out that it is a forced marriage for him. Looks like he had some mental issue and gets angry very often. He takes complete advantage of me in every aspect and dont even consider me as a human being. I tried my level best to save the marriage but it lasted only 15 months. He is very abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. Trust me he treated me like a servant maid from the day-1. The reason for abuse can be very as small as me not getting up at early in the morning 5.00 a.m or watching you tube.


    He daily asked me to divorce him and leave him but I was the one who begged him and use to talk to him that I will do everything for him and not to leave me. He use to physically abuse me and calls me by names. He talks very low about my job, personality, my parents, my habits. I have to cook for him and do all the house chores and he never even helps me in anything. He didn't even take me to hospital when i am not well and asked me to go alone as i am a different individual. He told me that its a girl responsibility to do the entire house hold stuff along with job. I use to struggle 16 hours a day managing both on my own. He went to an extent one day of calling my dad and complaining that I forgot to wash the tea utensil and throw the thrash before going to office. He never even smiled at me even once and makes a face at me whenever I smile back at him. Now, he sent divorce papers to me 6 months back and I moved out of the house and I am staying alone. I am facing the below problems from the time I moved away to another place:


    1.He is of not my choice. My parents asked me to marry him. He was after my parents for a very long time and they thought he will take good care of me. I asked my parents some time as I never liked him in the first instinct.My dad refused to give me time and he said I dont know anything in life and I am loosing all the good opportunities. I cried, begged and told them that i dint like him. They told me that physical appearance doesn't matter and got me married within one week by convincing me. My father even catched my feet to get married to him. Some how I was convinced that he might take good care of me and got married to him but after marriage he use to abuse me saying that he likes girls with thin figure, thigh gap, collar bones , sleek face, toned jawline and mentally tortured me that i dint have the above. He use to say" Look at your face in the mirror. No idiot would marry you. I dont feel like sleeping with you." The problem now is even though i have a job and very good income I am not able to forgive my parents and that bastard who ruined my life.I stopped talking with my dad and I hate him for doing this to me. He was always very controlling in my life right from my studies. I always thought he will do good for me but without even giving a second thought and not inquiring about him , my father got me married to an animal. I dont want to see my fathers face again in my life. I am constantly thinking about this and ruining my health


    2. From the time he commented about my physical appearance, I hated looking myself in the mirror and stopped taking care of my dressing.Now that I am away from him I feel like dressing up but I still feel I am very ugly and no one likes me. I dont know how to come out with this negative thoughts.


    3. Even though I am staying alone and I like staying alone sometimes i feel very lonely and depressed. On the other hand when I am working in the office I am happy.During night times when I am about to sleep I get this lonely feeling. I am taking sleeping tablets to have a good sleep as I became Insomniac after marrying him. I dont know when I will be completely alright. I feel that I am ok sometimes but I feel there is something wrong with my feelings. I feel extremely low and there is a vacuum feeling in my stomach.


    4. My future is a big question mark now. I am struggling to manage my work , my studies at the same time and trying to do other certifications as well. I dont know how can I manage my future by being all alone. I feel I am doing a lot of work and taking lot of stress in my life. Everything in my life requires a lot of hard-work and stress and nothing comes easily. My health is getting deteriorated and I am eating more due to stress these days. It became very hard for me to stay in shape due to this mental torture.


    I dont know how to overcome the above ones. Even though I am struggling hard to cope up with all the above I hardly find time and If I find time i immerse myself in negative thoughts without even knowing
     
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  2. Agathinai

    Agathinai Gold IL'ite

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    I am sorry to hear about everything you had to endure. There are positives here in your life inspite of all these hardships. You are young, have a job and don’t have kids with that guy. These are all positives for you.

    First be thankful that you have got rid of this guy and putting full stop for all the abuse. That’s a gift for you. Repeat to yourself as a mantra that this guy isn’t worthy for you, to even brood and think much. It’s very unfortunate that you have been pushed into a marriage by your father which had made your marriage a hell. Forget your dad as well for now.

    But you are out of this mess early on itself and that’s really a blessing in disguise. You are young and with a good job. Focus on that. Keep yourself healthy - physically and mentally. Go to any psychologist for counseling. That’s what you need the most at this hour. Try to forget everything about this mishap in your life. Focus your attention on other things in life. Concentrate on your studies. They are your motivation for climbing up in the job hierarchy.

    When time is appropriate move on and find yourself a suitable partner. For that you need to love yourself first and get rid of this guy from your mind.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  3. Positivity02

    Positivity02 Silver IL'ite

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    You are only 29 & thank god you came out this abusive marriage quickly before having children.
    You have long beautiful life ahead of you and first step to recover from the past is self care.
    -Talk to friends , make new friends. Hangout with people who make you feel happy and positive.
    -Join a gym. Working out regularly will make you feel good physically and mentally.
    - Get rid of stuff that reminds you of him & rearrange the house with new decorative stuff, choose colors that make you happy and cheerful
    - Pick up a hobby you always wanted to try.
    -Eat healthy & nourish your body with good food & good thoughts

    This is just a passing phase and everything will fall in place soon.
     
    periamma, Anusha2917, shravs3 and 3 others like this.
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    You can take one thing out from the list of things that are impacting you so strongly -- your anger with your father. You do not have to constantly think about it. Have it out with him one time. If possible to arrange this, tell him you want to talk about something that is important to you. Ask him to listen to you first and then respond. Quietly tell him all that you have written here, describe in detail how it felt to be rejected like that by your husband. Then, tell him that you are trying to rebuild your life, and that you hope to be able to forgive him in time.

    Most likely he will not sit quiet till you finish talking. It will end up a huge argument. But, you would have had it out.

    I did that once with my mother 2 hours before it was time for me to leave for the airport. All people who mattered were around. I did not get past, "This is what i'd like to talk/ask about..." She knew what was coming, got totally belligerent, and everyone saw and heard for themselves what long dialog from me wouldn't' have achieved. That flight back home to the U.S. was one of the most mentally peaceful ones I've had.
     
  5. Ramyarc

    Ramyarc Silver IL'ite

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    I understand that you dont have family support now. But you have yourself. We are all alone when we are recovering from a bad experience. There may or may not be any sympathizers but at the end of the day you need to move on with your own effort.

    First and foremost you are able to support yourself, which is important.
    Second, don’t bother about people talking behind your back. They don’t mean anything to you.
    Third, you are young, focus on yourself. Enroll in further studies if you can. Study or work abroad if you can.
    Fourth, don’t give up, never give up. This is the time you fight with everything you have got against your circumstances and realities. Don’t worry that you alone. Like i stated above we are all alone when going through a bad experience even if we are surrounded with people.
    Fifth, this is the time you may completely ignore your health. So start to eat healthy, force yourself to workout. Get into a health regimen.
    Journal your feelings. It will be weird but as you start writing, it will be like a self therapy to process your feelings. It helped me. Sometimes, when you don’t have anyone to talk to, journaling helps.


    Hope this helps.
     
    Happygirl6 and SinghManisha like this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...the nightmare is over now.

    Your ex husband.....that piece of garbage is not worth thinking about. He was a terrible accident and you survived it. Don't think about the insecure,insignificant loser and waste your life.
    He is like the garbage you threw in the dustbin.Don't open it because it only produces stench .

    As for your father...Indian parents control daughter as long as they are single.
    They consider it their right.
    Once she is married..they no longer have that right.

    You are divorced.....don't let him take control of your life again. Stay away from him. He cares more for himself than you.
    Don't let him take any decisions in your life ever again .
    That is his punishment .
    Close that chapter.
    You are an independent woman who can take care of herself.
    Do stay connected to rest of your family .

    As for yourself....take care of yourself .
    Physically and emotionally.

    Stop taking those sleeping pills.
    First stop it during weekends...then stop it one day a week at a time. Give yourself a few weeks to stop dependence on them.
    Instead of that...do yoga and exercise.
    No matter how late or tired you get...do some kind of exercise.
    Even ten suryanamakars are fine in the begining .
    Or just dance for 15 minutes to any music in your room. Whatever works for you . Slowly increase the time .
    Have a hot glass of milk before sleeping. It will help you sleep better.
    Have a warm shower before going to bed...that will helpwith sleep too.


    Make friends ....at work or outside work who have similar routine and similar free time. Even one is enough. Go out for movies,shopping ,meals.
    Or even do all that by yourself.You don't need people for many things. Learn to enjoy your own company till you find some good friends.



    Treat yourself as the most important person in your life op. You are the star of your life .
    Put time ,effort and money on yourself.

    If you tend to eat during stress....keep healthy options like fruits and nuts available .
    Fruits like watermelon ,papaya etc are good and filling .
    You can even replace one meal with fruits and nuts .
    Drink lots of water.
    Stop taking refined sugar. Start by reducing the quantity from one teaspoon to half and then slowly stop putting it.

    You can start by eating healthy the whole
    weak and keep a cheat day once a weak where you replace a meal with whatever you crave to eat. Eat but moderate quantity.

    Start a hobby.....anything small that interests you .
    Something that makes you happy and keeps your mind occupied. It is very important to have a hobby .

    Improve yourself professionally.
    Set up a goal for the next one year.Do a course that will improve your work, do an online course or just read books that will help you get better.

    Best Wishes op.
    Hope you get more light and positivity in your life.
    You have a lot of positives going for you....find them and work on them.
    Remove the negatives one at a time from your life.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  7. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    You are young and have a life ahead of you. You ex-husband is not worth wasting a single second of your life thinking about him. Everyone is beautiful , no one deserves to be told they are ugly.
    I hope you can forgive your dad. No parent wishes bad for their child.
    You should celebrate the fact that you are out of a bad marriage. Not everyone has the opportunity to do that.
     
    Happygirl6 and Anusha2917 like this.
  8. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Op it's not easy to go through what you have gone through. And you know you are so brave and courageous that you put up with him for those 15 months. But the best is you have moved on and that's such a blessing for you.
    1. Your point 1 says about your dad and his mistake for this life which he gave you. Now tell me who should be guilty for the same? You or your dad ?Rihana already suggested that. Bring that emotion out of you in whatever way you can. Confront him/talk to him . In whichever way you can just bring that out and pass it on to him. This isn't your mistake for you to feel guilty.
    He's seriously such an idiot you say these things once he's married. A phyche I can say.
    Aren't you proving him right by doing so?? And does he deserve this respect from you?. Think about it.
    Buy a big mirror and put it on your bedroom. Everyday spend time looking at yourself in the mirror. Embrace yourself every single day for what you are. Tall ,short ,thin fat, dark, fair ,gap between thighs ,no gap . Whatever just embrace your body the way it is. Admire yourself . Your assets.
    I have been this extremely skinny one with gap between thighs, collar bones etc. Trust me I have hated myself for that. Over a period of time I have told myself I am beautiful . You need to believe that you are beautiful and never say or feel you are ugly.
    Op have you tried some sort of yoga or exercises or a 5k run or some Vipasana . When you sweat by doing some sort of physical exercise a lot of toxins come out of your body. Trust me the negativity slowly comes out of you when you are engaged in such activities. Also exercises help in increasing the "feel good " hormones endorphins. Trust me try hitting the gym and lifting those heavy weights or doing yoga or having a jogging early morning should help you a lot. Slowly and steadily come out of those pills and start some sort of physical exercise. The exhaustion these exercises create automatically will make you get sleep. Slowly start something.
    No it's not. Keep believing it's not a question mark . Even though it's tough it's fine. But keep believing .
    See you are doing wonderful. This shows how strong you are. Keep doing what you are doing. Don't stop. You are on the right track .
    Give it sometime. This too shall pass. It's just a matter of time.

    Op you are doing good. Do not let anything ruin your happiness. Do not blame yourself for this bad phase. You have faced enough. Now bury that bad chapter and try to divert your mind slowly on other things.
    Good luck.
     
    shravs3, Amulet and Happygirl6 like this.
  9. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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  10. Sandyr46

    Sandyr46 Gold IL'ite

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