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greedy,overpowering,irritating in laws and unsupportive,helpless husband

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kijo, Jan 28, 2010.

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  1. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    dear,

    Your MIL is uneducated crook.Can't you handle one bad person in your life and empower yourself with your education and win your husband.
    Why does have to fill all your mind with your MIL's crap?The least you are for her then the most you are winning over her.
    The more you care of her acts then you are loosing yourself.So you want to have a revenge then you don't care for her anymore.You clearly know you are not caring for your husband acts any more.So learn driving and spend time in library and finish your exam and once you get seat you don't have look back.You will be busy in your life and then later you can decide the things.
    Start yoga and learn driving and make friends and detach yourself from your marraige days.

    All the best.
     
  2. akruti9

    akruti9 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi dear,

    I tell you only one thing. Concentrate on your career become something till then don't plan for kids after you become independant then think about living with him or leaving him.
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I second QUINCY, when you know the marriage is not going right .. it wont go right ever... even if u make adjustments or babies.

    Pls walk out if this is not your dream man.. I always listened to ppl who said that u cant get out of marriage at drop of a hat & need to make efforts.. I made efforts & my DH & life was pretty much control when his mom started striking again and again.

    If its a hell its a hell.. sometimes I feel it wasn't worth all those efforts.. I cant keep rebuilding a castle everyday.. also wht was my fault on this earth to not to get an expressive husband who wud never hold my hand or say sweet nothings to me. I see many more frndz & colleagues where ppl are expressing atleast once in a while that they love their spouse but why not mine...
     
  4. shreya12345

    shreya12345 New IL'ite

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    Kijoo,
    its very shocking to read ur post. U r a doctor and yet u have not yet mustered the courage to take charge of ur life. This is really surprising. U have mentioned that u have been tolerating every torture and humiliation of ur ILs and DH just for the sake of ur parents...but have u realised that if in fact, u respect ur parents and if u respect the upbringing and education that ur parents have provided u, u wont be tolerating such torture like an illerate girl. No human being has the right to humiliate or torture another human. But its happening in our own homes...only cos we women dnt have the courage to live up our education and upbringing. Its high time u rise above all ths and stop torturing urself by constantly thinking abt ur past and spoiling ur future.
    First thing, u should talk to ur husband directly abt his plans. U shud clarify if he s willing to live with u , no matter where his project is. As long as u guys stay apart, problems r not going to solve.
    Secondly, just STOP thinking about wot hapnd in the past...and give sme respect to urself for GOD's SAKE....U r a doctor...and u dnt have to tolerate somebody's wrath like this. Just speak up for urself and ur parents.
    I would say, before u decide whether u have to go back to india or not, try all the possible ways to get close to ur husband...and create an understanding with him...if nothing works, then u knw wot to do...
    All the best and I know you will definitely come out of it...Keep smiling and remember, u r nt alone:wave
     
  5. Ashzia

    Ashzia New IL'ite

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    U knw wat, these inlaws i reckon t name itslf it bad(few are good). makin do work in t 1st week of marriage is bad. evn my inlaws wr such but it ws cool for thm. all are uneducated thr except my dh (thing is he wont back ans them). but after 1 month of marriage i came to dubai, thn i tht al inlaws might b lil nonsense like so thrs not much. but later wn i had to go for my delivery i came to knw their true colours. i dont want to think abt it now, my dh was understanding but he too never used to listen to wat i told abt them but he wanted me to come here back soon so tat am not with them, atlst ths way it was fine....

    so the main thing now u need to think of is ur studies studies n studies. if u succeed in tat, first of all u wont b bothered of u wont have time to think abt ur horrible past and next is thy wont dare bother u. ur career wil be ur strength.ur stl with ur hubby so u can get close with him as time passes. make it point not to go to ur inlaws place (as for ur parents adjust for sometime or call thm to US if u feel lik seeeing thm). u ignore ur inlaws dont spk to them. evn if ur mil spks to u over ph listen her thn out of t blue suddenly say ok bye u work or oh i need to cook this for ur son..n whnevr she wnts to spk say sme reason or t othr not to spk to her much.only if u listen to thm thy wil talk crap na u escape n be happy for giving silly reasons of escaping.if ur hubby asks y ur doin lik this say yes dear i was goin to prepare t dis for u or gv some sweet sweet reasons...

    never leave anything bother or studies....

    good luck..
     
  6. eandian

    eandian IL Hall of Fame

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    Hope things work out for you.
     
  7. sandhyas

    sandhyas New IL'ite

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    Hi Kijo,

    No point in worrying about past life,just move on,don't make yourself buried in problems created by others,

    I am also preparing for the steps

    If you have a valid visa you can apply for research assistant jobs in the medical center, it is paid of course


    you can do observerships even if you have not completed your exams


    concentrate on your longterm goals


    definitely your marrried life gets improved


    you are facing the initial teething problems of the Indian marriage--don't get too sensitive

    I stay in Houston too

    Good luck for your exams :) and move on cheerfully with your life, laughing at your inlaws ignorance&stupidity:bowdown
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  8. Menku

    Menku Junior IL'ite

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    Hi Kijo,

    I was going through your post and could not stop myself from commenting though lot of people on this forum feel that I am a nasty women , cos they pick up phrases from my post and comment on that But I want to let you know that I have the worst inlaws that one could have, worst than urs and I was in pain fr a very very long time, till the time I decided to make a difference to my life - if this makes you feel any better.

    Your husband is dumb who shuts his brain down when his parents/mom are around, so you have to handle him accordingly. When you know he is not ready to listen or fix his parents then dont expect that from him, cos he will never do it, instead when he will get close to you his mom will start giving him a hard time. U mentioned in ur post that u dont love him - which is quite obvious that u wont love someone who cant stand for u but then u have to also understand and realise that he knows u from the past 4 yrs and he has been with his parents for 27-28 yrs and he has never seen them behaving so badly. So when u will go and tell him all this he won't believe and do nothing. Whne u know his parents are so bad, irritating - dont pay any heat to what thye say or just ignore them...I know its always easire said that done, but now when I look back I feel what a fool I was, cos by fightining I ruined those yrs. If he talks to his mom- let him talk and say what she has to say..but U have to LOVE HIM more than his parents so that he always feels for you and stands for you. Why do you think your inlaws are so nasty to you ???? Looking at my case - I have cocluded that cos mums cant accept that there is another women in their son's life they ty to creat a rift between the two, so that they can control him all the more.. If you go back and read ur post u will see that they have been succesfull in doing that so far...cos you 2 are getting distant, aren't you ?

    If he doesn't talk to ur parents - its good in a way. Look at it this way - I am sure you and your family has got skeletons in their cupboard and when he finds out about all that and discusses with his mom, who will face the repecurssion ??? Its going to be you...

    If ur inlaws dont treat ur prents nicley - stop all communications with them..cos communicating is not helping - but just making the situation worst ...why do something which leaves everyone unhappy...And by giving ur inalws first holi, lori, diwali u are just raisning their expectations and ur inlaws are the types who will never b happy with what thye get, instead when ur parents come over to visit you tell them to use that money to buy gifts for ur hubby, so that he feels imp...Why bother about ur inlaws...They are noone....

    Accept the fact that they are here to give you a hard time and create problems for you...As my grandma always says - if the mother has the key to the son's heart, change the LOCK, and get a new key. If you try to take that key from ur MIL she won't give it to u .

    I gotta go now ..will continue tomorrow !
     
  9. Peace777

    Peace777 Senior IL'ite

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    how is your relation now with your mil? Are you all goodie goodie with her over phone or you never call her?
     
  10. Umlaut

    Umlaut Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Kijo,

    This is this my first posting in IL although I have been lurking around the site for a while now. I had to post after reading your story because I completely empathize with your situation because I was in a similar condition some years ago. What surprises me is why do highly educated women like us make doormats of ourselves for no-good people like your in-laws and their ilk who never cherish women like us. I don't know, but perhaps deep down we lack self esteem. Or perhaps we have seen our mothers being treated this way by their in-laws and have internalized it into our psyche so much that we have come to accept it as a part of adjustment in a marriage.

    The lack of education of your in-laws is no excuse for their bad behaviour. Kindness does not come with education, does it?

    The most important thing for you to do now is to finish your degree and get through a post grad course. You know how hard it is to get into med school, so please don't squander away the chance you have been given to get a med degree for people like your in-laws.

    I know that the advise I will give you may not go down well with many in this forum who might ask you to adjust and work upon the marriage, but after 4 years of adjusting and adapting in the hell with my ex and his family have taught me one very important thing: you don't have to put up with Hitler-clones of in-laws and a spineless worm of a husband. A leopard cannot change its spots and in the same way these people will not change and the man who ignores you at the beginning of the marriage will not start worshiping you suddenly one fine morning. It's more important to be true to yourself because after a few years of sacrificing yourself for people like that you will lose respect for yourself, your career will suffer, your health will suffer. I am sorry if I sound skeptical but the main thing in life is to be happy and if your marriage is making you want to kill yourself then ask yourself is it worth it?

    Kijo dear, its not that life is a dead-end even if you made a bad decision before you married your DH. But you don't have to live with a mistake for the rest of your life.

    Best,
    Umlaut
     
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