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Golden Rules for every woman

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shanthi, Mar 31, 2007.

  1. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ILites,
    Let me first begin by saying " I Love this forum!" I have been married for 6 years now. Had a love marriage. Now living in the US. Housewife for 5 years. Mother of a toddler. Do not drive. Working now :yes: So as you can imagine I've had my share of joy, tears, depression, hysteria oh what not !

    When I read the posts in this forum I can totally relate to a lot of problems. I wish I could reach out to everyone, hold their hands and say, "You will come out of this crisis, more stronger than you are now!" Yes that's what happened to me and I am sure others too. Every huge problem that seems to be crushing you down and smothering you right now will only make you stronger if only you can just accept it and weather it out!

    I have some beliefs that I have constructed over the course of these years that have helped me. Everyone of these rules are the result of a big problem. These are lessons that I learned the very hard way. I believe that everyone will not accept them, as to some, ... especially newly weds these may seem unromantic, cold etc. But this post will definitely help those who are already facing problems in their marriage.

    1. The most important person in your life is YOU. Not your kids, not your hubby, not your parents. You will have to take care of yourself first before taking care of others you love. I learnt this after I had my baby. I had no help and I was always taking care of the baby when she was awake and cooking and cleaning when she was asleep and was miserable as I had no,life to live. Slowly I started to cut myself some slack. Started doing things I like like reading, browsing, music instead of cleaning or cooking an elaborate dinner when my daughter was sleeping. I relaxed myself and when my daughter was up I was able to enjoy my time with her. Ofcourse the house was a mess but who cares !

    2. Never depend on anyone else to be happy. Never depend on anyone else to make you happy. Being happy is like a job. You have to do it. It is not optional.

    3. Contrary to a lot of ideas you may have got from movies and novels accept the fact that you and your husband are really 2 individuals. Nothing bad about that. If you can accept that, then most of your problems will be solved by themselves.

    4. He can have things that he likes, and you may not like them. Instead of forcing yourself do those things with him and ending up bitter, just happily let him do what he wants to and you do things you like.

    5. Do not always expect him to do things to make you happy. You do things to make yourself happy. When you are happy you automatically will do things that will make him happy

    6. If he us upset or depressed with something try to find out why. If he doesn't respond just let him be. Men are like that. They don't like to be talkative when they are upset. When he is better, once again let him know you are willing to listen about the problem, but if he still doens't want to talk about it, let it go! 75% of the time I don't know why my hubby was upset. I used obsess about it wondering what was wrong etc. Only made me miserable. Then finally I just let go. I let him wallow in his misery for some days and just wait for him to become normal.

    7. Just because he is upset or angry doesn't mean that you have to have a long face and give him back the silent treatment. You be cheerful, doing the things you usually do! Talk to him about routine things around the house or jokes, stuff you normally talk about. Talk to freinds, play with your kids, go out for a walk, shopping etc. Use this as the time that you have for yourself ... which is a big treat for you. That way you won't be down because he is upset and he can't be upset for a long time because you are cheerful around him.

    8. Now what if you are upset. Do things you love to do. Music always cheers me up. Still upset. Talk about my problem to friends. Still upset. Have a good cry ( preferably alone )... cry your heart out without any inhibitions.

    9. Still upset. If this is with your husband ... write to him ... seriously a letter will help. If you talk you may cry and not complete what you wanted to say or, yell and say things you never mean or, he may not be in a mood to listen to you. With a letter you will have control over your emotions and not write anything you regret. You will already feel like you are talking to him and told all your problems. Bythis time mostly you would have overcome your sadness and a solution will slowly start forming in you. Then you decide whether you want to give it to him. He will definitely read it. If not immediately maybe when he is cooled down. He cannot misinterpret what you have written because it is all there in paper. He will read it arleast twice or more and everytime he reads it he will get a better understanding.

    Still upset !!!! Go to the internet and read the news, look at pictures of a war going on, people killed in bombs, murdered, rape, child marriages, children kidnapped etc. You will feel grateful for what you have and realize how insignificant your problem is.

    10. Times when you feel that you two are caught up in a routine and don't really spend time together just drop all your work and go and give him a big hug and a kiss. Don't wait for him. This is your happiness too. Go and do something about it. Then go back to your work. You make a practice of this you can see the difference.

    11. Do not worry about what others say or think. Do what you feel is right for you without hurting others. You are the only person you have to answer to and also the only person who have to be better than.


    12. Your child is your responisbility. Your kid shapes her thoughts, habits and beliefs of the world, about herself around you. So whatever your life maybe like portray a confident, brave, loving and cheerful parent before her. More than an expensive education or great savings your child needs to see her parents happy. That is the foundation for them.

    13. If you feel that your husband is not taking care of the kids and you are overloaded just drop everything and 'become' sick for a day. You will be surprised how well your husband can take care of things around the house. They are just lazy and know that they have a choice. If they don't do it you will. But when you crash he will rise to the occasion. This is 100% true. Everything has to be learnt. Soon your kid may want dad for certain things and you will be more relieved

    I have written things that came to my mind. Not everyone will agree with me. But I am writing this because I am sure this will help lots of women out there.

    So be happy and confident and everyone around you will follow suit.

    Love.:wave
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2021
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  2. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Forgot to include one more important thing. There maybe certain things in life that you may not be able to accept. Your hubby may have a certain quality or attitude that is totally against your beliefs. Don't stand up totally againts it and fight it. You love the guy right! He loves you back right ! Well then just learn to live with his little black spots. Sometimes thay are part of the package. Don't loose the entire package trying to correct the things you perceive as wrong. You don't have to accept his beliefs, but just let him be. You will find peace with that kind of attitude.
     
  3. pra319

    pra319 New IL'ite

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    Hi Shanti,

    Liked your write up . Though I am an older person I could take few things from you. Thanks......

    paru
     
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  4. Lavanya

    Lavanya Bronze IL'ite

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    Its wonderfully refreshing to read your thoughts... almost sounded like you heard me talking!!! I've been in this path for a li'l over 6 yrs too & have seen more things that rocked the boat within the first couple months. All we've learnt from these trials & tribulations are that

    1. never go to bed angry or sad - we should be content that we're way more gifted than many people, unfortunately we just don't think of them & get bogged down by our own li'l miseries.
    2. never leave the house without a hug/kiss or a just atleast a smile & bye.
    3. similarly, first thing when you get home, be happy that your loved ones are there for you & try to acknowledge even if its with just a smallest peck on the cheek or a cheery hi. "Happiness is definitely contagious".
    4. every one has their own interests & common interests with their partner - don't convert them forcibly... introduce them to your interests but let them make their own decision & at the same time be open to their interests. You don't have to like them all.

    I always tell everyone who is in any serious relationship about the package thing... however overwhelming it is at times & however much you hate li'l inconsequential things about your partner you have to learn to accept them as a whole package... for you have to remember that's what they do with us too!!!
    Anyway life's like a bullock cart pulled by a bull & cow & both have to be "in sync" & compensate for one another for a really sweet ride.

    Once again thanks Shanthi for opening this channel for us & letting me resonate some of your thoughts too.

    -L.
     
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  5. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Shanthi,
    good thinking. Yes we all have been bought up with certain norms in life which are mostly and in large portrayed in movies. I too follow some of your practices. I love to read a lot where as my husband hates reading. He is happy watching TV. But in the course of time both of us have realised that we are happy in whatever we are doing and we dont shout at others. I read after I put my kids to sleep and till late night with the bed lamps on. Previously he was complaining. Now no bec he sensed that reading keeps me calm and quiet.

    I have understood the fact that I should live for my self. Though ours is an arranged marriage and we are happily married for 10 years we are living in a pocket family. That is me and my husband with two kids. So whatever be it it should be either me or he should take care. Previously I was doing his share of work too. But after a few years I realized that if I stop doing his share of work he will take responsibility and lo yes here he is doing all that needed to be done by him is taken care of (of course with reminders from me).

    Thus things are going on and from time to time I leave the house uncleaned not because of boredom but because of my every lady's monthly problem and he takes charge of cleaning and at times cooking. Yes they will rise to the occasion only when they are forced to. So you can add one more line. Keep giving them chances so they will come to your aide whenever you need and slowly they will realize what their role is in the home sweet home
     
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  6. Tulasi

    Tulasi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Shanthi ,
    Excellent write up. I really relate many things with it.. needs lot of maturity to write most of the Pts in our day to day life.. Thanks for writing
     
  7. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    Shanthi,

    Very good post. You have put your thoughts cogently and structured them well. I am sure to learn and benefit from them.

    Lavanya- your points are just as good. Will learn from them too.

    regards
    Vidya
     
  8. bipasu_1950

    bipasu_1950 Junior IL'ite

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    hai,friends,
    all the points noted in your write up are really golden and even though i am a matured lady and had a lots of experiences both good and sad,i really appreciate the write up.the advices are worthy to be adopted.thank you so much.such writings are very very essential for our ind.lites site,
    with regards,
    visalam.r
     
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  9. mohana

    mohana Silver IL'ite

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    Fantastic post shanthi.
     
  10. raginiprakash

    raginiprakash Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Shanthi,

    That was an awesome post & very thoughtful of you to share your views here. Those were definitely words of wisdom coming from experience. As they say life is our biggest teacher.

    I guess i can call myself a newly wed since it hasn't been a yr of marriage yet, but your views did not leave me cold nor was it unromantic. It was pragmatic & isn't life all about practicality.

    I too have always believed that it's upto us to be happy within ourselves & not to depend on others to make us happy, i.e husband or children.
    Happiness should be a way of life & some problems in life just fade away with a change in attitude.

    Cheers!
    Ragini.
     
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