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Going through a separation period - how does one deal with it?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by desilady13, Oct 15, 2013.

  1. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    I do understand you completely shama. You are right in saying that the person we married were probably the same since the beginning, apart from some changes...for me I know my H is a very complicated personality, although extremely social, also I know tomorrow when I will come out of this shell to announce to tell people openly that I am no longer with him, there will be people who judge, weather I like it or not - and moreover people who have known us will def take sides considering they know my H like someone who 'makes others laugh' and very 'sociable outside with strangers'...Anyway, I understand, the more we think about what people think the more unhappy we will be in life..

    And your point no 4, thanks so much for that. I def have those low thoughts, but again I personally have a few cousins who are in abusive marriage (physical, and all sorts of emotional abuses) but know CANNOT get out of it at any cost (lack of education, joint family in India etc etc)...I def consider myself lucky that I am able to make a decision in life with complete support from my parents, and just as you said rightly DONT have to think about my next meal!

    Just as you said, I will def be wiser in my thoughts and choices hereon, but don't believe in sayings like "be wicked/cunning to deal with wicked/cunning people" since that's just not me...I would rather simply ignore and avoid company of such people...hopefully god gives me wisdom to make right choices in life in future.
     
  2. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree, what's the point in talking bad about him to anyone? When I have zero feelings for him? No love nor any hatred either. He's just any other person to me now. Only when I look at my kid, I think about him, but then I know it, if two incompatible people (leaving aside all the Nacrcisstic, complicated, emotional abusive personality of his) live under one roof adjusting, and argue and fight every second day (If Sunday was an ok day, Monday he would argue, tues would be a silent day, wed would be ok and so on), how would the kid benefit in such a dysfunctional family? I know my answer right away.

    Custody, finances and all I know he will fight for it too, probably not because he wants it, but to make me feel hurt (he does have this saddest attitude), but hopefully my lawyer can help me to be in a better place...

    Since I grew up in a very close knit family (4 of us alone all the time, hence extremely close) , my Mom I know keeps thinking about my future which I know won't go away until she sees my 'happy' again, and that is def being with someone again. For me, I am not thinking that far....I simply have too many things to focus right now, and probably might even have to consider therapy or individual counseling to feel positive once all this drama gets over...only time can heal hurt emotions, and eventually I know they will heal..
     
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  3. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    A friend said that she had way too much time on her hands after her separation. She had to work hard to engage herself in what had been 'time spent together'...is it possible for you go through your daily schedule to identify these gaps? Maybe you can arrange to hang out with friends or sign up for art/hobby classes? Limiting opportunities to analyze can help while you work on your self confidence.
     
  4. peppercorns

    peppercorns Junior IL'ite

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    Dear, hugs to you.

    I know and understand how it is coz i am in the same situation. But you know, i hardly think about the future. I don't have any family nearby too. I have reduced communication with parents. I don't give them much details-don't want to upset them. I have switched off my mind from thinking 'what next'. Going to meet my therapist once a week and that is helping me see the other possibilities. Makes me feel a lot better. I go to gym, sauna, and everything that makes me happy, even momentarily.

    Please take care of yourself. Remember always, you are your first priority. When you are happy, only then you can make others around you happy. Just keep moving ahead and don't think about what next.

    You are one bold girl, am sure you will succeed in life. You were one of the people who motivated me and now i was able to take a bold stand. Otherwise i would have been a doormat forever. Remember, you are strong and you can be happy.
     
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  5. Rajapriyab

    Rajapriyab Bronze IL'ite

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    Desilady,

    I am in the same situation of yours now. I am now 26, married for 3 years, separated from husband with 2 daughters. I know the pain of yours. But believe me you will pass this phase. Initially (before 3 months) was worried a lot, what will happen to me and kids after my mom, how i will manage them, what society will think about me etc., flashing into my mind whole 24 hours in a day. Had sleepless nights, reduced food, low concentration.

    Seeing my condition my mom asked me to sit and had a nice talk with me. She was also separated from my dad when i was 4 yrs old. She asked me just one question, "Whatever happened is happened. Even god cant change that. Instead of thinking how you will survive without him in your life, Just think how your and kids life will be with him" I started to think how it will be if i am with him. I couldn't think anything called love, affection instead just fights and tears. Then I realized that i am in better position now.

    One small incident happened to me just a week back. My elder daughter's second birthday is on October20. So I went to Nungambakkam to purchase dress for her. In railway station, One pregnant lady is begging in upstairs with a small girl. When I saw she is having her lunch. I was really shocked seeing her food it was worst and i could feel some smell coming out. I asked her where is her husband. She told me she don't know and he left her. I had n number of questions to her to ask. how she will manage her delivery, after delivery she has to take care of herself and kids, where she will stay, howmuch she will earn since she has to feed her kids too. I asked her how she will manage. She smiled at me and told "I had lunch now. After 6 only i will think about dinner. Till then I have no worries. Why I have to think about tomorrow. When it comes i will face it" I feel ashamed after seeing her. I know thinking about future, planning and all is important but we should not lose present by thinking about future. So I have decided that I will do plannings and will prepare myself for future but will not worry about future. Let it come I will face it :)
    Now I am ready to say that I am no longer with him to the people coming to my daughter's birthday party.

    Shama,

    Thanks dear. Your words are made me to cheer up.
     
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  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Desilady, first of all hugs to you. I normally don't stop here often but your post reminded me of someone very very close to heart (back in australia) and I thought that maybe I should give my view.

    i hope you don't get me wrong, I completely sympathize with you.

    the main reason of my post is to understand what has made you take this extreme step of divorce filing. I am sure you thought 100 times or more already but still please dwell a little more if there is nothing much you can do to save the marriage.

    your post was very vague when you said he was emotionally abusing you or being narcissistic.

    this person I am talking about divorced her husband around 10 years ago. Sharing her story with you....not to make you feel bad but to pause and reflect if there is nothing at all you can do to change the situation.

    this friend of mine, let's call her Rakhi. She was born and brought up in Ausralia. She had a completely different lifestyle from the man whom she married. She had doting parents who would move heaven and earth to get the things she likes.
    after getting married, she was expecting the similar kind of lifestyle. While her husband was doing his best, nothing he did would please her. She was in the world of Gucci bags and Dior dresses.

    Anyway, they also had a beautiful daughter. He took care of the wife really well during and after pregnancy. In order to make their lives better, he decided to take up higher studies. It back fired. She started saying that he is ignoring her, spending all money on parents etc. it was not true..he took up education so he can provide better for the family.

    her parents supported her because at that time they felt it's the right thing to do.

    but after 10 years she still regrets not giving the marriage a chance. They were going through a very low period and she wished she could have waited...after all, they did have good times too. He was a wonderful father too.

    When we tell something, we always think of one way. Perhaps getning someone neutral to see if this can be fixed would be a good idea.

    Is is he really that bad or is he just not meeting your expectations? There is no way you can meet midway?
    Sorry I didn't mean to upset you but I would be interested in knowing about this emotional abuse you are talking about.
    Think a million times my dear....
     
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  7. sweetyk

    sweetyk Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Desilady,

    I was reading through your other thread about your 8 years married life. Some how I felt most of your issues raised because of your background and his background being different.

    He is coming from a complete Indian joint family setup, and you on the other hand from a independent nuclear immigrant family . And more over the time you both spent in your married life is also very less. Though you are married for 8 years you guys hardly spent any time together.

    There is lot of communication gap also which I see. Like you are expecting him to be disciplined like sleeping on time etc. But dear did you communicate this with him? that this habit of him is bothering you?.

    Financial sharing: Now he coming from a joint family thinks he need to contribute more say 500$ to his extended family. You are not happy that he is not contributing enough etc. May you both should have a open discussion about your financial sharing/planning. Money plays a major role in bringing differences between couples. But plz understand if you can take time sit and discuss this should be solved. May be a common joint account for common saving. And also your own personal account for some personal saving?

    If you are out of job he taking care of all expenses and still keeping some amount to joint savings etc. Please think after marriage it should be OUR money than My money or YOUR money. I know I am not right to suggest here but some how felt there is lot of communication gap here.

    Can you please think agaain. If you think you can give him a chance and a chance to this marriage I would strongly suggest you both go for a marriage counseling.

    May god bless you dear.

    Wish you a happy life.

    truly,
    sweety
     
  8. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Rakhii and Sweetyk, thanks for your concerned responses. Actually married for 8 years and lived together for 6.5 years. You are right in your guess sweety, I come from a very diff close knit family of 4, but you know what, I had thought my husband was very open from the beginning about his financial status, responsibility, extended family issues etc..and hence I was open for it too. I never had any problems with him sending money to his parents, infact - there were many times, he spoke ill about his father, and I discouraged him not to. Discipline, and personal behavior, or irresponsibility is one thing, but being secretive, lying at every instance, and having a big ego is another thing related to integrity. Few things -

    1. He tells me he send ex $500-800/month to his parents,one day I notice he sent $1000 that month, he tells me it's a one time thing, it's for medical expenses for his aunt etc, I believe him, discussion over. Next month, same thing, another story...I move on.
    2. Made several investments, opened businesses in India without my knowledge, don't even know his salary to date.
    3. Till date, I don't know where his parents live,
    5. Acknowledged hitting me once in first year of our marraige, apologized, and I moved on.
    6. Wanted me to pay 1/2 rent, car payments, whatever house repairs were there, vacation expenses etc, I gladly paid. In my heart, everything is ours, but does he feel the same way?
    7. Yells at top of his voice, and shouts in conversations while holding our kid in his hand!
    8. Zero responsibility with the kid of home - no house chores, any question asked will be choking to him, no thing should be repeated to him more than once. Was always like this.
    9. Denies me talking to my parents or visiting India with them, if at all I go, it should be with him, that's all.
    10. I adjusted, cried, laughed (yes, many moments where I thought I was relatively happy with this marraige) - thought he will change after having a kid, but didn't - hence tried changing myself - never asked him about any investments, his salary which I don't know till now, stopped going to India with my parents.
    11. In-laws visited us for 5 months, EVERY single day, his father abused me verbally, while his mother plays the 'sad mother' role crying, please don't leave my son, his father is a bad man, we all know it. Stupid me, really never bought up in big family, didn't know how to be cunning and handle the situation, rather was just myself - if I am angry talk back, don't take rubbish from anyone. Several occasions, he followed me to work, recorded my voice, and guess what - I was laid off from my job!
    12. I have really never seen someone so manipulative and nagging - calls me 10 times in 10 min if I don't answer or don't come home by the time I have told him to come.
    13. When I went away to stay with my parents for 2 months, I came back home - he puts up an entire wall of black, dark bloody images, of people crying, bleeding, etc...he said, he put that up, because I hurt him by ignoring his 20 phone calls a day...
    14. Went to every single friend of ours and cried - literally said a sob story to every friend each weekend, without my knowledge (while I decided to move out after seeing his dark images and scared for my and kid's life)! Really, does a normal person do this? But remains stern and threatening and even denying health insurance for me on front of me.
    15. Quit my job for my kid, my family, and plan to come out of this marraige with only little savings from past few months...Right now, it's me who is planning for separation, I have nothing to gain - I don't have a job yet, left my own home (several occasions he pointed out what I don't have - lack of money, and status), but yet trying to be strong, and get a job and be independent.
    16. Several times, given me suicidal threats, also involved local police because I ignored his

    .I gave many years in this marraige - one thing I know, there could be someone else who would have adjusted more, compromised more, been more submissive, while there could be someone else who might have separated much earlier than I am doing....sometimes it's really hard to even express what One's going through...

    From what I have realized is - sometimes there could be two people who are simply not compatible. Plus compatibility in a marraige does not mean only physical abuse, it def takes a lot of courage for someone esp to realize this marraige is not working, is emotionally draining, and act on it. I have thought about my situation a million times, tried to work on my issues from past 2 years already, thought about a father for my kid, but you know what I realized - how does a kid grow up in an unhealthy environment? In a dysfunctional family?
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2013
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  9. desilady13

    desilady13 Silver IL'ite

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    Sweetyk, communication, love, talking things out, understanding each other is all so perfect right? Exactly what I like and what we see in movies too.l.i have always been a big dreamer, but sometimes when our dream boy/girl behaves exactly like our dreams - buys you roses, but with an intention, gets you diamonds because there's a secret behind it - no one tells us the latter while growing up. Unfortunately, I have realized the dialogue in DDLJ to be true - "everyone has the right to dream, but don't expect your dreams to come true always".
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2013
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  10. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Desilady, your numbered points 1-16 all point to an abusive relationship, and a husband who has serious mental problems, coupled with a dangerous ability to appear normal to the outside world.

    I don't mean to be blunt, or to hurt your feelings, but I would not want to be in the same room as a man such as this, let alone be married to him.

    If your intention in posting here is to find out if you are fair and justified in wanting out of this marriage, or in thinking that you and your child/children are in for even more abuse, and if EVERYTHING you say is true (you have no reason to lie, so I believe you), then the short answer is YES.

    You are justified in trying to improve your life by putting great and permanent distance between yourself/your child(ren) and this man.
     
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