Going crazy with the my teenage son having Dyslexia and ADD

OP,
You do have a lot on your plate...and you are right, it is as if you are a single mom managing on your own.

In the first place, if you want to help your son AND daughter, you must network and build a support system. It is great that your sister offered to tutor him (even if that didn't pan out). DOes she have a good rapport with your son? If so, let her continue to engage him, in non academic activities. Both you and he need this interaction. How often does your husband come over (or you guys meet up as a family)? Let him interact as much as possible with your son. Do you have friends or family over for social interactions? Even if your son's behavior is unpredictable, do not isolate yourself from others. It is important for your daughter to have as normal a childhood as possible. That includes being socially engaged.

Coming to the academics-repetitive failure and poor advocacy in schools do leave a mark on students. How did he move up to plus one when memory has been a major part of his problem? WHen you say you've visited psychiatrists, psychologists, etc, do you mean that he has been in some form of behavioral therapy/counseling and remedial learning classes? Since you say that his needs were identified at an early age, were you able to enroll him in any of these when he was younger? It is possible that his teen years is aggravating the difficulties due to his multiple diagnoses. Was he more receptive to attending these services in his early years?

Taking all these factors into consideration, do you think you can hold of on the academics for a bit? Is he interested in any other vocational field? Maybe computers? Can the two of you sit and identify a field of interest? Even if he does identify something else, there is no guarantee that he will sustain his interest-until he gets the right kind of help. For that you have to try to find someone (therapist/mentor) he can trust. You may even have to look at medication (unless of course he is on something already-if that is the case go back to the psychiatrist and ask him/her to evaluate the efficacy of the treatment).

While the religious observations are important for you, right now you should probably give him time to make his own choice about participation. He is not in a good place to take any kind of compulsion-use your discretion to pick when and where you want him to follow the rules. Enforce rules involving safety and pick and choose from the rest.

Sustaining interest in activities is a challenge for some kids...you've tried it out and you've learned that it is not going to help right now. So leave it be (it is hard to think of money going down the drain, I agree). The next time he wants to participate in something though, maybe you can work out a contract where he has to earn the activity rather than being given the opportunity outright. By now you have sufficient grounds for saying, "No, you have to earn your way to..."

SInce he has used the 'suicide' threat already, I suggest you sit down and talk to him. Explain to him that you are concerned, that you want to make sure he gets the right kind of help and take him to a good counselor. If you are in Chennai, I can suggest a very good psychiatrist who has a good network of fellow professionals.

WHile all this is happening, do find ways to support your daughter. She is still exposed to all the disruptions between the two of you...and she is being guilt tripped by your son-whatever his justifications. She is probably conflicted as well.

You are in this for the long haul and you need to find a support system-friends and professionals. It is for your safety and your children's safety.

 

Your such a brave mother first of all hats off to you I can understand the motherly love and your struggle to reform your son.. Why not take him to some vacation or some spirituality tour like isha yoga or puttaparthi it will be a change of place for him.

 

For a moment, i felt there were a very small similarties to my son, and i had a tremor run through me and i can say hugs and lots of positive sane vibes..

when you knew things were not as it is with your son, why did you not look for remedial measures earlier. the trauma of being abused emotionally goes a long way in shaping your kid.

looking grown up, yet innocent and being showered with snide remarks from friends and teachers can impact the confidence level of a child. i have a son who is 15+, with a thick mush and a 180 cms height, no body believes he is 15 unless we say. and you should see the comments from his classmates, when they are still yet to get a mush..the peer competitions, the peer pressure is difficult to handle for kids even teenagers and in your case he has other issues to boot.

communication at the right time would have been the best medicines for him. even now, maybe you should check out for workshops for his peer group. there is increased awareness, treatment and workshops in the metro cities. I assume you have moved from a b tier to a city.

Looks like he has mood swings, agression is he on any medicines.. and i believe these spike in teenage with hormones..being 18 he is almost man. so i think he needs to be checked by a good doctor, and analysed. hope you are doing that.

ASk your husband to wakeup, and understand that your son needs help. he needs guidance, and things will not fall into the right slots unless guided sometimes..your son needs all the help that is available.

I don't want to repeat all that teacher has already written. infact if you are in chennai do take up on her suggestion and meet the doctor she can recommend,love.

i hope you are not scolding him, nor making things look like he is reason for your helplessness or your unhappiness. then he would find ways to blame others..you never know how faar you son can think off..he may not be shrewd but looks more sensitive, and you have been handling him like glass all this time.

my heart goes out to the daughter..compromise, understand, accept, adjust, what more is being forced on her. remember she is also your child and has every right to enjoy her childhood, and feel the freedom of being a child. do not allow the burden of your son's requirements shadow her. please make efforts to move around socially. sometimes, it is difficult for people to accept, but the more you start showing efforts it becomes easy for others to accept.

just because somebody says your son is crazy is not reason enough to accept he is crazy. remember family is the first strong support system on which you can build. when the family fails to be there, the child is left sailing without any support with all the fear, that could turn into more aggression and consquences..

i know all that we write could make you feel bad, guilty..but just chin up mom, you have done what you thought is the best, and it has not worked and you are feeling you need better ways.

If it is possible, take him off from school, allow him to relax, maybe he will come up with some inherrent talent that is hidden behind the restless ness and the lack of being consistent.(going through a number of activities..). maybe he needs a better understanding mentor. if it is really possible, take off a month from work and be with him..maybe just being there, trying to understand without putting any kind of pressure be it emotional, physical or spiritual, he will start a new leaf in progress.

All the best love and my prayers..

(P.S. I am also a single parent for the past 8 years, with my husband working abroad, with my teenagers kids, with a son who had learning disablities and other issues, and who still has issues with writing but i took a conscious decision of not going for a job inspite of the financial constraints, and they were huge constraints..i believed my son needed me more than the things or facilities my salary could buy, it has worked because my husband was supportive and i could live frugally and manage the show ..just to say that been there, done that, and know how the helplessness comes to take away your sleep, peace of mind..but it is also a learning curve where you learn as a mom that you want the best for your child, and you will do it at any cost...be strong, be calm and never say die..)

 

OP,
It is great that you stand by your sister and her children in their time of need
What you say is not uncommon-remedial teaching in a lot of places is not truly remedial! Many institutions and individuals refer to tutions as remedial classes. And yes, medication comes with side effects.

Seeking professional help is tricky-in such cases, the professional's ability to develop a rapport is as important as his/her professional skill set. Was your nephew ever referred to any kind of behavioral therapy? Medications can do only so much...the young man has to learn quite a bit-how to identify when he finds himself losing control and what strategies to use to control his anxiety and anger. This comes from interacting with someone trained to help him. Even if a friend or relative has intuitive knowledge this young man needs consistency. Besides, talking to a third party who isn't part of the equation frees us up to be more honest with ourselves.
I will send you a pm with the details of the psychiatrist. I suggest that you (if possible) and your sister visit the dr. first. At this stage your sister is probably quite discouraged too. This wa you'll be able to give the psychiatrist a brief history in your nephew's absence.

In the meantime, when you talk to your sister, can you find out what her daily routine involves? Does she make time for herself?

A common theme running through families in such situations is that they are overwhelmed by events beyond their control. Family members are stuck managing events as they come and generally believe that things will get better if "ABC just manages to do this one thing, or if only ABC had control over..." All the 'change' revolves around the person in need. But there are things family members need to do for themselves and by themselves. Doing so allows us to make proactive decisions, resolve conflicts before they escalate, or if they do escalate, manage the fallout in a better way.

• Does your sister spend at least 15 minutes a day on activities which interest her?
• Does she go to the parlor regularly (or do whatever it takes to be well groomed)?
• Does she have any creative outlet? Does she like music-sing or play an instrument? Does she like arts and crafts? Does she enjoy watching any of those MIL/DIL serials? Has she engaged in these recently?

What about your niece? Do mother and daughter spend sometime on just girlish stuff?

If both these people are waiting for things to get better with the son, please help them start to do things for themselves. Situations don't get better on their own...they change because the people in that situation change something about themselves. When they try to lead their lives to the best of their ability things do get better. Initially your sister may not able to involve herself fully in the activity..that is ok. It is a gradual process.

In our rush to find things which will work for the family we end up giving too many suggestions...if your sister/niece/nephew attempt any one thing consistently for a period of time it is still progress.

As for your nephew, does he have a creative outlet? Does he like music, art, writing...? Does he keep a journal/diary? That could be a great stress buster at the end of the day. Is it possible to bring the class to his home? For example, if he doesn't go to the music class, sometimes you can have a music teacher come home. Is that a possibility (a non sport related activity, of course)? Does he have good friends? Is there anyone slightly older amongst your acquaintances who could be a mentor?

About your comment on upbringing...it happens in moments of stress. Do let your sister know that you recognize that there are more significant factors involved (possibly some poorly informed choices in upbringing as well-but that too happens). The dad needs to be mor einvolved...Yes, bank officers get transferred. Some of my students' fathers went through the same thing. But they asked not to be transferred citing their children's needs.

When it comes to the vocational training, think outside the box-photography, screen printing, some form of designing...you have to snare his interest plus he needs something which helps him stand out from the crowd. At the same time it must be do-able...it will take time to figure this out and teach him how to set goals/plan/organize and complete.

They've got their work cut out for the next 10 years...so tell them to take good care of themselves.

You're right, it is a pity we don't have support groups for parents-mostly due to privacy issues In the meantime, your sister can participate here I will post when I get info about forums/workshops for parents. Chennai Counselors Forum runs quite a few of these for people in the field and for school staff and such.
Good luck.
BTW, post 8 times more...there are fascinating threads in the kitchen/housekeeping section-just discovered those super efficient people. Yo must reach a minimum of 10 posts to receive my pm

 

Hugs to u mam. I am 7 yrs elder to ur son and I am suffering an abusive marriage. I thought I am the only suffering person in this earth. You are going through such a phase and you are strong and brave. Hats off.

i seriously dont know if I could offer any suggestions but I will pray SAI RAM to shower you with all blessings and may the road you walk be filled with roses and SAIRAM's guiding torch

 

May God give courage and blessings to you and your son. Its very difficult and you have shown remarkable strenght to face your problems.

Our society gives too much importance to schooling and academics. But not everyone excels in education. I think most of the frustration and pent up anger your son has is because he is being forced to study and pass exams. All his violence stems from this frustration of not being able study or remember (havent we all faced the situation when even if we want to a lot we are unable to learn something new because its just not supported by our brain or body).

I would give him a break. When you know he is not going to succeed academically - why push him? There are so many other things in the world. Besides so many great men were school drop outs. I know its a difficult decision to make, but for the sake of his life and happiness maybe you do need to give him a break now.

Let him try out different things at his own pace, without any pressure to excel. After some time, he may like something.

He is different, but who says only people who excel in school or learn things fast are great? Give him freedom. Trust him and believe in him. You must take charge of the situation fast, it already seems he is too cornered.