Girl Groups…how Do You Make It Work!

We all have elusive goals, things that we admire in others but struggle to achieve ourselves. Maybe a friend has a knack for home decor, a great sense of style, a way with words, or the ability to command attention in meetings. Perhaps they’re a natural leader. We assume these qualities come effortlessly to them and should come naturally to us too.

Even when we are suggested the tools or steps to improve, we often settle for occasional visits to that wistfulness rather than action. And that’s perfectly okay. For you, this girls group and how others navigate it might be one of those elusive goals.

P.S. You missed "organic" in today's posts?

 

Anika, I usually avoid posting repeatedly in a thread and try to limit myself to one post per page or a maximum of three for the whole discussion. However, you seem genuinely puzzled and really want to understand if you’re doing something wrong or if something is wrong with you. This self-doubt seems to be bothering you quite a bit, so I’m posting again.

You keep asking the same question—What am I doing wrong?—and people keep offering suggestions on what you could do differently. You acknowledge these responses very politely, but your focus has an eagle-eye lock on the parts that validate your feelings rather than the actionable advice.

Paru was in a similar situation—she wanted to be part of a girls' group but wasn’t keen on their frequent meetups and was tired of the politics and cliques. She posted about it a couple of times, received the same kinds of responses as you, but instead of circling back to her doubts, she shifted her attention to finding solutions without endlessly analyzing other people's motives. She took steps to create a balance that worked for her.

Are you ready to try what she has listed? Can you try that for a few months and report back?

BTW, exactly what she has described was what worked for me. I couldn't follow the wear saris dress code, I found smaller groups within the big group, treated them as a pleasant timepass, am happy to be part of them, am happy to be in the pictures. And to quote Paru, "Don't bring the group home in your mind. Be part of it when called for and leave it there itself."

 

The imbalance lies in seeing yourself as overwhelmingly filled with positive qualities, while perceiving others as filled with mainly negative ones. This becomes clear when reading your posts in this thread.

You see or portray yourself as:
Kind, Polite, Patient, Empathetic, Supportive, Considerate, Self-aware, Humble, Real, Loyal, Comforting, Thoughtful, Intuitive, Easygoing, Fair, Reflective

You see or portray others as:
Mean, Users, Shallow, Fake, Bossy, Selfish, Attention-seeking, Dismissive, Cold, Followers, Two-faced, Toxic, Cunning, Manipulative, Narcissistic, Covert narcissist, Dominating

 

Anika, take this thought out of your mind. It’s not you. I don’t think any real therapist will tell you this. Stop looking at the internet for validation that it’s you. It isn’t. I’ve had such a narc friend it took a toll. I don’t usually talk about it because it still hurts. We had babies around the same time. I finally let go when the children were in college so like a couple of decades. We live a mile away from each other and socialized in the same circles. I had to cut off and rebuild at an age where it’s not easy to do so. I also had other things some of which I’ve discussed here. The stress was sky high. I also had a lot of self doubt. I had to go to a therapist to get my negative self thoughts go.

Same with some relatives. They still wonder how the DH married me and how I’m happy in America when I’m so awkward.

The best way to overcome all of this is to first of all understand that bad things happen to good people. I had to learn to set boundaries. I had to learn to let go completely. I don’t check on what that other person’s life is like. Like you, I kept wondering how they are so successfully in social relationships when I could clearly see how nasty she is. When I stopped, when I actually let go is when I was able to make peace. Even now it hurts a little but I don’t delve on it at all. I have made other valuable friends and I make it work.

This was therapeutic for me when I was having a lot of chaos. I decided to go hang out with a different set of people and not over think it. I’ve stated before in this thread to go be there and come back and not over analyze. That’s from experience. And it helped. That group fizzled out but I made one good friend there. Then some others followed. All by just putting myself out there.

What you are saying, about effortless friendships are true only in the school and college level because you are put together everyday. Sometimes it happens with a person next door because of access. In real life, in a country like America, you do have to put in some effort. You do have to let go of your negative self talk and self image and give other people a chance. For this sometimes you need to get help.

How do people just wing it?
It’s because women know there is nothing to lose. You go out in a disparate group and have some fun and leave the group at the door when you come home. That’s all there is. These days I also think a lot of times when you hang out with people unlike you, you learn something new. Perspectives for example. The group I hung out with to get over that nasty relationship, everyone was way younger than me. Their evening started way past my bed time. Both them and I got something out of it. They got some perspective from someone older about kids and relationships in general and I learned from them to give people chances, let go and sometimes not judge and just be with them. Initially I did feel like they were too much but over time they all felt like baby siblings. Even now, although I don’t jam with them much some of them meet one on one for coffee or sometimes we just do lunch because Laks’ bed time is too soon for them to do evenings.

Not everyone will be the same wavelength as you but unless you give these things a chance you won’t know.

You don’t really need these groups as well. You can try and if it doesn’t help you, you know you gave it a shot.

Going in the loop of negative thoughts will not help you though. YouTube and internet can only shed so much light. Give yourself a pat on the back for coming this far. At least you can verbalize more than most people. I couldn’t write clearly and still can’t about the things that hurt me. These are all good solid first steps. Take that leap and go for step 2. If it doesn’t work out, it’s ok. It’s not the end of the world.
Give those two neighbors a try. It’ll help you and they will also get a good reliable friend.