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Getting Vexed Over Small Stuff..help!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by MindVoice, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    I'm afraid I'm losing my mind..

    Feeling really frustrated.. funnily things are okay - compared to earlier times, DH is more calm and our fights are resolving easier touch wood..

    But I'm losing my temper in seconds.. I'm getting easily irritated - esp. minor irritants.. and allow them to cascade my mood into a storm of negativity and finally tears of anger and frustration.

    How do I turn things around?

    I am getting irked by how messy the house is, how I'm unable to do even the basic cooking and home care or self care with my baby who is actually now nearly a year old (shouldn't I be more capable now?)...
    So if DH keeps things around without putting them in the trash or leaves baby's eaten bowls and bottles on the table or counter without rinsing them..I get irked by the small additions to the pre-existing mess..and hate having to clean, cook and 'live like a maid' (yeah thats how biased I get)
    If I am unable to take baby out in the stroller, I go into What-kind-of-life-am-I-living mode.
    Couldn't cook while baby's sleeping, and now hungry? "What miserable life that I can't even order out!" (the reality is that I cant do it too often, and the place I live is more take-away friendly than delivery-friendly..but I get more bugged about the fact that I have to ask my DH to order for me and can't just do it myself)

    The Basic problem, however, is not being able to get things done in a way I want in multiple spheres, and now, when one card falls my house literally comes tumbling down..

    I dont like being like this.. I am not this kind of person, and have actually been quite tolerant and understanding and patient.. but I suspect my 'adjustments' are catching up, and reaching meltdown point??

    Poor DH has been trying to be very mature, and handle it on the go- quite unlike what he was say 6 months back.. but I keep getting irritated over and over again..
    How to get out of feeling so negative and emotional, and work on what I need to get done?
     
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  2. somsar2014

    somsar2014 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Lady
    In your whole account, I did not find a single line of serious accusation against anyone including your life partner. And you analyzed your problems so well, that anyone's words will never be equal your own findings and instinctive urges. It may sound so hackneyed, but still I say, be cheerful and positive, and that will solve most of your current problems. After child birth, there can be some hormonal imbalances in some women causing undue irritation etc. For that purpose, you can surely consult your gynecologist or a specialist endocrinologist. Rest everything is in your hands and mind.

    Best wishes.
     
  3. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hey OP.....

    Its ok. Relax. Doing all the work continuously is stressful. you just need a small break. The adjustment takes time. the feeling you are experiencing as to 'what is happening to me, this is not me' is quite common in these days.

    To be out of it, you first need to calm down. Every time you feel irritated, count to ten and get your frustration down a bit. First thing is prioritizing the work. Do what is very important to you as the first thing.

    - Baby comes first
    - Cooking comes next
    - Taking care of basic tasks after that which is cleaning vessels washing clothes, and cleaning the area where the baby majorly spends time.

    You might feel the house tumbling down but still, relax and take time out to play with the baby to calm down! You can always get things done faster when you feel good!

    At the end of the day, after the baby is asleep, even if you have a sink full of vessels to wash, sit and do that one thing which brings you happiness like reading books or listening to music without doing any work. Any hobby or just idle browsing or reading jokes......

    A little 'me' time goes a long way in bringing us out of that 'I am a maid' mode. Honestly! it worked for me when I was experiencing all this. I used to sit and read or watch any of my fav movies.

    Lastly, venting helps too! Just come back here and vent. You will feel a lot better!
     
    Ragavisang, Lakshmi6197 and MindVoice like this.
  4. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    So basically you are expecting more from yourself than whatever you are able to do now. As others have said, try to relax. Things will gain pace with time.
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you dear. How much sleep do you get? Does your baby still wake in the night? Lack of sleep completely messes with you mind - been there done that! So, a schedule for the baby plus sleep training will help largely. At 1 year old your child must be able to sleep undisturbed for 12 hours in the night. Plus 3-4 hours in the day. Believe me when I say this - getting the baby to sleep through the night is a life and relationship saver. And every child can be trained to sleep through the night. Takes about 3-4 weeks and a lot of effort and consistency . But entirely doable. And totally worth it.

    Plus seek help from medical professionals because it could be post partum blues too. I won't suggest that you pop pills - that's very quickly recommended now a days. Instead try çognitive behavioural therapy, breathig and physical exercises first.

    Sort out food by cooking in batches and freezing. When you cook, make a batch of 3-4 portions. Try one pot one shot cooking. Simplify thugs for yourself. Since mess bums you out, make it a habit to set the timer for 10 min and quickly tidy up just those 10 min. Do it when your husband is there and he has to tidy p at that time too.

    Do chores when your husband is there - and delegate. This was again a huge saver for me. I hated cooking and cleaning and laundry -made me feel like cinderella. I'd do it with company and got music in the background. Got done quicjky and I didn't feel like a martyr.

    Hugs to yo. This too shall pass. Do remember to seek medical intervention if your mood doesn't improve. Xx
     
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  6. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks everyone!
    @beautifullife30 & @guesshoo great practical advice.. I'm reading it again and again..

    Wow 80% of my problems will be solved if I can get my baby to sleep so much..No I haven't sleep trained, nor will DH let baby cry even a bit to get it going..so I am probably stuck there ??

    I try and do chores when DH is there..but now a days, I'm just feeling so tired and slumped at the end of the day..and there is always so much more to be done.. I push myself and run around - and that gets only the barest completed.
    I don't know if I'm being unfair..but I so wish DH would help keep the dining area clear..I don't know how to tell it to him : it is a small thing to him, will take me 5 more min as I clear up acc.to him..But it is messy and I get upset..and feel it's one more task offloaded to me.. To be fair, DH helps with feeding baby in the evening and night until bedtime and plays with baby and on occasion will change diapers too. He takes care of all the shopping and groceries and bills.. so I feel awkward to ask him.. I tried putting all baby stuff in a box..but it is only me who uses it..

    Sorry I'm venting again..
     
  7. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Try sending your little one to a playschool for a couple of hours everyday,or find a gym with nursery so that you can do some workout while your kid is being watched.Get some time to focus on yourself.Its quite natural to feel frustrated when you could not do as many things you want to do.Take it easy.

    Try to set a time table for yourself,so that you allot one specific day for cleaning,one for organizing and one day as lazy day-all for yourself.Also try to get up early morning and complete your cooking for lunch and if possible dinner also,so that you will have time during the rest of the day to do other work.
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Do your research about sleep training. Read up how sleeping uninterrupted is essential for brain development. Ask your husband to read up. Honestly, we were like that for 8 months. Not wishing to upset baby. I can't tell you how much things changed one morning when I could take it no longer. I won't be exaggerating if I said I wanted to fling the baby at my husband and walk away never to return. YOU BOTH NEED SLEEP. You simply can't do without it. Push for it sweetie. If you leave it longer it will get more difficult. Checkout the baby whisperer techniques on forums and books. I'm quite sure she has something for toddlers too.

    Also if you want something done, you want it done. Tell your husband the 5 minutes of clearing the dining table is really upsetting you. You'd be really pleased to have him do that. It doesn't matter how long it takes but it is both your homes and you need his help.

    I stopped feeling overly grateful for husband doing baby duty once I realised big a dad isn't a "job" - yes, he was the sole bread winner. However being a dad is who he is and that comes with responsibilities. Which includes taking charge when mum is overwhelmed. It is also important for his bond with the baby.

    Do delegate dear. Jobs might take you 2 min but that's 2 min wasted. Push for sleep training. I can't recommend that enough.
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  9. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    Even my kid slept very less and still has issues with sleeping by herself. Every phase has challenges. Good thing now is , ur kid doesnt ask for things yet and can be confined to a place and cant keep a taboo of what you are doing and if u r away for restroom visit. Make use of this. Create a schedule and stick to it as much as possible. Cleaning dishes only in morning. Cooking food only twice a day. Once for adults and twice for kid. Tell ur H to give shower to kid. Change diaper when he is at home. Men need to be told what needs to done n i think they will b happy to know what exactly needs to be done. Plz understand that if you r stress free then, everyone will b happy n now you r the source of happiness and next is kid. Happy mommy makes happy kids n inturn happy husbands.

    I feel that after kid is born, moms becomes super busy as there r soo many things suddenly waiting to be done and its never ending. On contrary, dads seem to get ample free time to spend more time on office work, use mobile phone n watch all the series on netflix or sports. It irritates me still when i am slogging in kitchen n my kid keeps shouting from hall that she needs water...and there my H sitting right beside her n telling her to ask mommy for water...arghhh!! Even i have office work n havent met my frenz in ages all cuz there is soo much family work. Well dear!! No one can help us except for us. We have to solve our own problems. So, plan n create a schedule n most importantly reward urself once in a while. Shop, visit near by areas, restautants, etc..u will def be relaxed n will b preapared for next phase of mommy life where kids become picky eaters n boldly tell what they want to eat, wear,go n throw tantrums. Chill !!
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    i
    I understand you...
    Do you work?why am asking is that might actually relax you better,,being around adults..
    it is tough being at home all day with kids and four walls..you are human too!
    why dont you bring your parents or inlaws?let them take care of kid for one hour when you can gym or walk?
    or saturday/sunday why don't you go out with ur friends?
    go for spa when hubby takes care of child..
    what i do is..one day a week i absolutley dont do anything!even if the hoem is a mess..ordr food outside,watch tv,sleep and relax..
    take kid to library..
     
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