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getting love in marriage back

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sashie, Oct 20, 2007.

  1. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    hi LAdies, new to this blog, so happy to have found it!! all of you give great advice and support, so i thought i would like to share a problem with you. My husband and i are almost at the brink of separation, we have had years of mil,fil,sil probs, and just liek many of you, dh only supports his family. anyway, we have a daughter, so i know that my dh will never really let me leave, he wil always want to see her etc. my il's also, will never let me raise my kid on my own. my dh and i are trying to work things out to save marriage, but after all he has done/said i really feel that my love for him is gone, i don;t even like him anymore, every time he comes near me, i think all of the emotional hurt/ he and his family has put me thru, so i always push him away. i have made alot of mistakes in this marriage too, and all i want is to get out withmy kid., however, iknow that i should try to work out. my ques is, how do you start to like/love someone who has totally crushed you?? please help! thanks
    sash
     
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  2. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    First of all welcome to the forum. It does provide a good platform to come and speak one's heart.
    Now about you issue, Its unfortuante to have come to that stage. But nothing is lost as long as you both have 'will' to make it work. Relationships are like bank accounts. We always want to withdraw more than we have put in.. For indian upbringing , Bank is more linent to male than female. So start with this premise and never let yourself totally get down with it. Do it with tact and a mind that will keep your self sane. Never bend too much to keep a relation. Since you are admitting you both have done your part of mistakes. So it s easier to work it out.
    Sometime we hold past so strong that we dont let our present go further. You need to figure out what s more important to you. Men will be men, They usually become defensive if you try to correct them. Only way a woman can ever make a man do soemthing is... by playing his mind. Men unlike women are more emotional being.. but they hide their emotions so well that they themselves dont know abt it.
    Its next to impossible to change an adult person. But it s easy to play someon's mind. Once we know what works for them. Never try to make him feel ..how bad he has done and all.. Do reverse trick.. Literally force your mind to act as if nothing wrong ever happened.. Whatever happened was a bad dream and you do your part.. Soon you will find it easier to forgive and let go.
     
  3. Mythraeyi

    Mythraeyi Silver IL'ite

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    hi,

    I would also suggest you try to see a psychiatrist or marriage counsellor who can help you work through emotional issues.

    good luck,

    Mythraeyi
     
  4. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sashie,
    The fact that you want to try and like or love hime is itself a positive first step! Try to think of the times you were close to him or the things you both have shared initially....just the good ones. Try to build from there. It is difficult since both of u have have a lot of negativty. Try to talk with him and find out where you stand in his life and you want to change things for the better. I am sure if you try out with your whole heart you will succeed.Give it a try with a counsellor too!
    All the very best! marriage is a dfficult relationship in our country which involves too many people....and we have to please every one , in the bargain, displease ourself! So dont give up hope and keep trying!:thumbsup
     
  5. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sashi,

    If it should be of consolation to you, please know that many persons have this problem.

    Over the years you have fallen out of love with your husband and want to like and love him again. You want to save your marriage, at least for your child's sake. On the flipside you find that it takes a lot of efforts to love your husband after all these things.

    Sashi, in this world you cannot have the cake and eat it too. You should decide one or the other. And believe me Sashi each one of us is continually making trade-offs one way or the other. And you have come to a point in life, where you are going to make a major trade-off. You need to be alert and careful.

    Either way your decision is going to cost you quite a lot, emotionally. You have not mentioned one important point in your post. let's leave the past. How is your husband doing now? I know many men who were very bad in their prime age, but have mellowed and matured later. Same is the case with in-laws. This assessment has to be done only by you. If your husband has changed his ways and if it is in your emotional affordability to forgive him, then try to start a new life with him. This will be the best for your child.

    But if for any reason you feel that your husband is going to be the same and the atmosphere is stifling and you are confident of living alone and can be a single parent with all its attendant responsibilities then you can opt to separate from your husband and start a new chapter in your life. This might involve a lot of emotional costs too. There could be a messy child -custody fight.

    There could be another way too. Till your daughter reaches say 18 or 20 years of age and till she has a good education, you can stay with your husband. That would be great sacrifice for your daughter. But at least it will lift a load off your heart and then when the time comes you can take the decision.


    One way to decide on this is to stay away from regular lliving or working place for two or three days and constantly meditate on this issue. If you believe in God, then a prayer really helps. We shall also join you in the prayer.

    regards,
    sridhar
     
  6. sunkan

    sunkan Gold IL'ite

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    dear sashi,
    all said and done, you have come a long way, i know love is important to any woman to grow in the family life, but now i think u should start giving more importance to your daughter, children who come from broken homes, that is where the parents are always fighting or misunderstood by the lot never want to marry in life, and the growing years if a father is not affectionate to her, like in my article how we admire our men a girl child start her infatuation from a father and moves on to siblings then to husband and so on, so now u must place her also in ur most important agenda and then view your situation, you will see not forgoing but an effort to make it look more colorful, will be in your agenda, the child is always observing so both you and your husband are actually making a base for her love life in the later part of her life, so keeping this in mind you should view it with more maturity, i know a phase will return when your daughter leaves home for her future u will get a rebound of love what you missed here may come in waves and u wont be able to handle, but for that u need to make an effort from now...hope it is not one sided you feel, if i could reach him i would do the same tell him what all i tell you, any way wish u all the best..sunkan
     
  7. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi sashie,

    Everybody has given you pointers...

    So i am only trying to analyse two points......

    1. the emotional hurt and a dent in your self respect....that is what comes through the entire post....so for a few minutes..let us just put aside the emotional hurt and other things...and look at the situation...both of you have committed mistakes...so when you say i have equally made some mistakes...it means you are accepting your mistakes and want to get over to the next step..so that is positive....so move forward

    2.Forget your in-laws not wanting to leave the child, your husband not leaving the child (obviously it looks your daughter is the most cherished in your family)...do you want to stay in it...we can find a lot of reason for staying in or staying out of a marriage...but don't stay for everybody else..than for yourself..because ultimately you will end up a more bitter person hurting yourself and others in the process.

    So you are the one who has to make the decision...whether to forgive and move forward giving you yourself a second chance ....or just pack and get out....

    If it is the former, just have a good talk with your husband...communication of your hurt/emotional trauma and the other angle always gives you a better understanding...if still have problems go for counselling....

    If it is the latter, just prepare yourself well in advance to support both yourself and your child before going ahead...

    In either case all the best......

    This is my perspective....
     
  8. vidyasundar

    vidyasundar Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sashi,

    you have met the situations that is enough for you to hate him. Why dont you wait for the situations that would be well enough for you to rebuild your relationship and retrieve your love for him. im sure oneday you would regret for hating him and may have a good laugh with your daughter you and your Dh sharing your thoughts about getting divorce.

    If the problem is between you two and both of you have decided go for it and that too after analysing life after divorce. If it is for inlaws and other family problems just give a second thought whether those problems are worth enough for that u pay by loosing your marriage.

    divorce is not freedom its yet another trap means if you are set free by britishers french would invade and capture. hope you understand.

    If I sound confusing........ ok just sit and think what u want in life and from life what you can do with hubby and without him. it would help you. dont get carried away by the circumstances since it keeps changing.

    regards
    vidyasundar
     
  9. Eljaype

    Eljaype Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Sashi,

    Have you ever thought about the other side of the situation? How your husband would have felt , that is between you and his mother?

    Don't ever for a moment think that I am supporting him. You yourself call him DH even now. You want to leave him and with the same reath you are calling him DH. Whatever said and done you cannot forget him, women cannot.

    You say you remember only the hurts he and his family has inflicted upon you but you can get over it for your daughters sake. You want a happy childhood for her isn't it? just for the sake of your cute little daughter , try and get on with your life. Do not expect anything from others, just do what you want to do, with a smile on your face. I know it is difficult, but you can, just do not brood over the past.

    Don't think I am advising you. I am not. I am trying to tell you what your mother would have said, in these circumstances. You can forget the past and get on with your life dear. There are many in these conditions and even worse than this, living together for the sake of being together.

    You can be happy if you learn to ignore what is happening around you, ignore other people's comments. You'll succeed in your mission. If you do your duty you'll get the result, I have seen it and I surely say that you'll also see it soon.

    Love
    Latha :wave
     
  10. sashie

    sashie New IL'ite

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    thanks to everyone who replied. i;m definately starting to make myself more mature in my thinking. in the last year, i have began to understand what an indian marriage really involves (more than husband and wife, it includes entire family). For the last few months i really have tried to decrease my complaing to dh, even when there are obvious mistakes that il's make. i really try hard not to make things worse. thanks again!
     

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