Getting divorced in a confused state

Deepadeepu · Aug 23, 2014

Hi all,
I am married and in US for 10 yrs. I seperated from my husband 2 yrs ago as we had lot of arguments and he is a mental abuser and -ve thinking person. I have 8 old kid my husband always takes my son away from me whenever he mad at me and controls me in all possible ways. We both are working here... My H is very -ve minded he want to control money that I earned and he want me to be a slave for him like cooking, cleaning and obeying to all his decisions.
2 yrs ago one day we had a big argument and he forcefully asked me to leave the home the reason being I am not respecting his parents and his sister, who is divorced with 2 kids. I had to move out of the house with my kid with no choice as he was physical at that time.

His sister in India got kids and husband's property when she got divorce so my husband always have -ve thoughts that I would do the same. When I seperated he tried to take my son away from me and after some compromise he used to come 3 days a week to my place with my kid and used to take my son with him when he leave. He completely take control over my son. I had threatened him that if I don't see my son I will go for legal help but he didn't listen always used to keep my son away from me by physical harassment.

My parents and his parents discussed the situation and asked us to stay together and try for reconciling then I had to come to his place 1 yr ago for sake of my son. Then he mentioned that he will not treat me like a wife and will not support me emotionally and financially because I left home and got seperated from him and spoiled his reputation in his family. He used to keep my son away from me when I stayed there him saying that I do not care about my son as I left home. I did not understand he was the one who asked me to leave the house and took my son forcefully from me and blaming me for everything.

After a lot of mental torture I asked if you are taking all rights & control on my son then I have no choice other than seeking from a legal help as everyday mental torture and fight regarding kid at home. He used my son as a toy to control me. One day he suddenly went applied for a divorce 1 yr ago and I cried a lot that time as I used to say I will seek legal help so that he will change and not use my son for his controlling toy. I had no choice to leave the home and apply for counter petition for contested divorce. And applied for temporary child custody and temporary restraining order from my H for myself.

It has been over year nothing has been done all he want is my money and my son from me that's what he is fighting for even though he earns more money than me.
What I did I showed what I have in US and India during filing process and he did not show anything that he have and hide everything (money). Now we are sharing my son's custody 50:50 and expenses for him. Iam not retaining my lawyer any more as she is very expensive.

my pre trial dates are approaching pls friends suggest me should I hire an another lawyer to represent me. I am confused and nervous to go to court for trial. But H is not amicable to agree for out of court settlement. Please suggest friends......

Some of my friends and relatives suggest me to reconcile with him for the sake of kid. But I think he will never change and agree to come to counselling
sorry for for long post.....

thanks!

persecutedDIL · Aug 25, 2014

What does your son think ? You have not mentioned anything about it. What does he feel about you ? Can he not see through his father's tortures ?

SGBV · Aug 27, 2014

Your post is confusing. Sorry, if I have missed anything important.

You said you left the home with the kid. Then again, you said your husband blames as if you don't care about your son, coz you left his home.
Further, you said that your husband and son comes to meet you once or twice a week.

It all confuses as to where were your son when you left your home? Did you take him with you or did you leave him with your husband?

Secondly what does your son thinks about all this? Does he prefer to stay with momma or pappa? He is no more a baby, but an 8 yr old boy child. He should be given a chance to decide.

It is not so easy to separate when children come to the picture. But it doesn't mean you should put up with emotional and physical violence in order to live like this.

Howz your husband with your son? Is he so negative minded? Is he money minded with him? Is he so violent with his son?

Howz he otherwise? I mean with other people?

If he is okay otherwise, and okay with others, then find out what makes him to be so bad with you?
If so, find out if there anything that you could change, and bring a slow but steady change in him.

I advice this to you, because you are not-so-prepared for this separation, particularly the kid custody arrangements.

All I could gather from your post is that you expect a change from your husband, and continue this marriage, perhaps in a better way.

If so, then work that out. It is not impossible.

However, if your husband is generally a negative minded and very bad person, with whom you could not live anymore, then separation is unavoidable. Try to think about your kid, and his wishes as well

roses99 · Aug 27, 2014

When you are working and financially good enough to take care of your kid go ahead with that you think, nobody can put in your shoes to understand the mental torture or imbalances you faced with your husband, it is only you know how the Life is with your Husband all these years and even after a kid.

If you are expecting something financial security for your kid, the divorce process would be late believe it would be tooo late, If you take care of him alone with your parents support then forget about financial security from him.

What 8 years kid would understand the situations? act now! you can give him a good career.

On top of everything you alone know whether he can change, as you mentioned that he would not treat you as a wife better take a wise decision, dont let someone to hurt your feelings and have self respect it would drive you forward always, no need to be down and bow for everything.

Change the Lawyer and go with the trials dont ever miss a trial please

Posting my ideas with a good experience happened very close in my family.

omnam · Aug 30, 2014

He seems to be a big time emotional abuser. This kind of self doubt and guilty is normal feeling during divorce. For your and your son well-being, its better to go legal.

Before that would you want to check with court if he can be tested psychologically and see if he healthy to take care of child. Because of his psychological issue, you are leaving him. You will get valid reasons on papers for divorce and also son can be with you without having sharing his custody.

BE strong.