Genuine Question For Those Who Opted For A Love Marriage.

Shreema, it is like this - in arranged marriages, as one poster pointed, caste, sub-caste, financial status and family backgrounds matter. In love - this is my observation, there should be a strong similarity in the profession that both boy and girl are working in, I have seen that whenever the boy and girl have similar degrees, same college or PG, or they are colleagues - again mind you with similar educational background (like both are engineers, or both are doctors, or both are SW engineers), in effect, if they both have a very good opinion of each other and are healthy individuals, then caste should not matter. Coming to caste, I have seen two couples - one couple the boy is non-brahmin, girl is brahmin, the other couple - the boy is brahmin, girl non-brahmin. In the first case, the boy is a strict vegetarian from childhood (in his family he is the only vegetarian), the girl was his subordinate in his company. After failing to find matches in his community because of his preferences (I suppose he was looking for a software engineer, vegetarian probably), he proposed to this girl, went after the match for an year and then married her. They were also of different states. Though they had the usual differences after marriage, because of the similar professional background and a high opinion for each other, they made it work. The second case, the boy though a brahmin, was strongly anti-brahmin, non-vegetarian, they both came from the same college. Again the same thing - both had a high opinion of each other, the girl, because, being a brahmin he was not so attached to the caste, the boy because she had a better degree than him. Practically they had no differences at all, some of them came up later, but to this day both behave as though they are the perfect couple - the girl going overboard to satisfy him and the boy being proud of her like she was his prized possession. And if they had to create differences in the surrounding couples minds then so be it, but they don't let others touch their relationship. As for the family backgrounds, in both cases, the families were of similar financial status. The second couple, the FIL was proud that she was well-read, from a good college. In the first case, the MIL was not at all happy, but she knew she to give in considering her son's preferences. So, it finally boils down to similarity in any case. And it also depends how much stronghold the families have on the boy and girl. It is very very important that the boy and girl have a very good opinion of each other as a primary thing. If that is missing then it is easy to create differences. Frankly, I found them a pain to others, but yes, in terms of their relationship, they had a strong equation among themselves.

 

OP
You mean real skeleton .. as in bones and stuff??

 

I strongly think you should voice your concern to your brother and tell him that you wish to back out and not involve yourself. You don't want to regret getting involved down the line. You can tell him you will say nothing to your parents about what he said, but you don't wish to support him either, if it is something that is making you uncomfortable.

 

Nice thread!

First of all, there are loads of shades between love marriage and arranged marriage.
So, it is hard to generalize.

Love at first sight, love through mail/FB, love affair for a very short time, or even love through distant relationship is different from a long term love cum live in relationship.
On the other hand, a long term courtship, arranged marriage between two close relative families/friends, etc is different from a quick screened matrimonial type of arranged marriage.
So, it all depends on how much you know your partner before marriage.

You may never know them in detail unless you live with them under one roof or at least spend a long time together covering both goods and bad times together.
A long term relationship before marriage can happen both in love or arranged way. But what matters the most is the spark, and both of your acceptance & tolerance level.
If they are there, even an inter religious/caste or inter-country marriage will work regardless of the differences.

Another important thing is the familial support after marriage.
In our part of the world, marriage is not necessarily between the two souls, but it is between the two sets of families.
When in love, the boy and the girl see each other only. They are open to each others flaws, and ready to accept each other as who they are.
But often times, love marriage ends with bitterness among the elders - who happen to be the parents of the spouses. These elders, as family may not be ready to accept the flaws of their DILs/SNILs or open to the differences.
Eg: When I was in love relationship with my H, I had no problem visiting his temples and he too wholeheartedly accompanied me to Church.
But after marriage, my mom and his mom had problems about this; hence influenced us against this practice. We felt extremely uncomfortable to practice the other one's culture/tradition/religious custom wholeheartedly before our parents.
This inconvenience eventually caused bitterness between us. It took us loads of patience to go through all such trials to set our own boundaries as a family despite of our differences.

However, in arranged marriages where the parents do all the arrangements for their children, they go extra miles to ensure this marriage work.
Eg: When my bro & SIL got newly married, they had differences. But both my mom and SIL's mom went on extra miles to convince their children to accept their spouse and adjust.
When my SIL didn't know how to cook, and my foody bro had an issue with that... my mom went on to teach SIL how to cook as per bro's tastes, and even cooked several times yet pretended as if the meal is cooked by SIL.
When my bro was socially drinking, and SIL had an issue with that initially her dad went on my bro's rescue and said it is all ok to drink socially.

So, this is how most of the marriages pass their initial stage.

After a certain stage, particularly once you created your own family the usual problems pops in.. The MIL vs DIL drama or problems between the couple or anything.
But your love, your understanding, your affection towards the family you created and your acceptance/tolerance level determine the success of your marriage regardless of the fact whether it was a love marriage or arranged marriage.

 

Nice analysis. Can you write a thread on this elaborating these points, your observation, solutions you all suggested while you work as an advocate for domestic violence victims . I hope it will be useful to many .. as many thread on abuse appear here.

 

No one 'opts' for a love marriage.

It just happens.