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Genuine Question For Those Who Opted For A Love Marriage.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Shreema86, May 6, 2017.

  1. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Don't intend to start a love marriage vs arranged marriage debate , both have their merits and demerits . But I always thought that one one advantage of love marriage would be that the woman knows her partner well before marriage and there are no surprises / shocks with respect to her partners general behaviour and nature. But from this forum I realize that's not the case . Many women find the man they married and the man they fell in love with to be two different versions . Why does this happen? Is it because dating is still taboo and girlfriend boyfriend actually spend very less time with each other before deciding to get married or is it because men have a different behaviour when they are in the pre marriage dating phase ?
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You don't know a person till you live with the person for some time.
    I wonder how many live in relationships end up in marriages.
    I wonder how many people regret marrying the person they did within the first few months of marrying them .
     
  3. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op, before med school I worked as an advocate for domestic violence victims and I think I can answer your question
    The truth is you can't fully know your partner if he doesn't want you to know him fully. Simple as that. You can live with him 25 years and then learn something that will greatly surprise you and here you go, you feel like you don't know your husband
    Abusive people rarely come up as abusive right away. Have you ever heard the story: "He was great and everything was perfect, we loved each other, but everything suddenly changed when we got married /our baby was born/ his mother started living with us/I became housewife etc"? I heard it so many times. And this perfectly makes sense: abusive person will be wonderful to his gf or wife until something happens and he shows his true colors. All of the sudden they start to criticize their wife for everything, compare her to other women, refuse to talk to her, laugh about her problems, isolate her, cheat on her, limit her finances and even beat her
    So when do they start doing it? When they realize that the victim is most likely to stay with them despite their terrible behavior
    1. When a woman is even afraid to say a word "Divorce". Maybe she came from a conservative community, maybe she believes that people who divorce are weak, maybe she believes that if you got married, you should stay married, maybe she has no support from her family - but here you go, she is a perfect victim for an abuser. He will abuse her and she will let it slide for the sake of keeping the "family" together. It's just a dream of an abuser
    2. When she becomes dependent on him. Like very dependent. She is pregnant now or has children with him and doesn't have a job. Or she is in another country with him and knows no one. Or she came to live with him in a joint family, where she has no support and she expects support from him. When an abuser feels his power over his victim, his abusive side will come up right away. In this situations leaving is extremely hard too and he knows it
    3. He stops loving her or never did. Often, they lose all humanity when they have no feelings for a woman anymore. They will say hurtful things, destroy her self-esteem, blame her for everything... When a woman's self-esteem is destroyed, she is more likely to stay in abusive relationship
    So how do you know that your prince is never going to hurt you? Well, you never know. You can help yourself by studying red flags that sometimes come up. Unfortunately, in this culture many of these flags are considered romantic or manly. Like when a man is overprotective about his lady. If he doesn't see you as a grown woman, but more like a little girl he should take care of, it is a red flag. Later he will start telling you directly what you can and cannot do. However, many women think it is romantic because our culture likes to infantilize women.
     
  4. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Mine is love marriage. I happened to meet him and like him and hence it is love marriage. I have many friends who are male, but this one caught my attention more because of some of his good characteristics. Everyone want to look their best when with others. Hence we see the good and get attracted. Also we get smitten by the characteristics that we dont have and the guy has. There it is...opposites attract.
    Atleast when they are with us, they look happy and hence we tend to like each other and feel that we compliment each other. I saw nothing beyond that..neither his family nor his behaviour when in other situations...we become blind with the goodness and happy harmones.
    If only we get to see all the angles of a person, i dont think any marriages happen. Ex: my parents are perfect in some circumstances and complete misfit in other. No one is perfect jodi.. even mom-daughter have misunderstandings even though its the closest form of bonding.
     
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  5. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Wen v r dating, even if v c each other every day, it's stil jus for a few hours. Der r many other distractions, like our own family, friends circle, things v do like studying or working. Our parents are taking care of us n our house so we don't worry abt all d day to day stuff.

    Also since v spend jus a few hours, u spend time being all lovey dovey or planning for d future or jus having fun. U go to movies, hotels n places like dose evrytime bcoz dats all wer u can meet. N dey r both trying to impress each other so loadsa gifts, writing poems n being super nice happens. N It's all abt these two ppl only.

    Marriage: in our culture, u don jus marry d guy/ gal. U marry d family. So external drama adds in. This is one of the biggest challenge to face. This is a separate thread in itself.

    Next wen u start living with d person on a 24/7 basis, u start seeing d bad side of him/ her too. It's not easy to run d house, From toilet seats to dropin dirty clothes everywer, picking dirty dishes, cooking food, sharing house chores, even appointing d rite maid to financial responsibilities, waking up / sleeping at a time, everything gets tough. der friends / social circle takes a beating too bcoz ders so many day to day things dat takes d time. No hotels, movies, gifts everyday or even often like before. Worse, d partner even starts to forget bdays n anniversaries. So Wen d challenges of 'every day' sets in, things change.

    While dating u spend all ur time to showcase all ur good stuff in dose few hours so u can impress dem, wer in once dey marry, d deed is done. U don hav to impress. She or he ain't goin anywer. N wen u r spending all d time, d 'quality' of dat time changes. Also ppl keep changing as dey age, mature n face things in life n many factors like dis add in.

    Watever I have mentioned is in a normal situation wer d guy/ gal r both good n hav a healthy relationship.

    Ders another ugly side to dis wer d guy/ gal hav bad intentions like dey r after money r smthng from d partner. Der r some ppl who lies sayin am rich, educated, powerful, etc in reality after marriage of d spouse finds it's all a lie, it takes an ugly turn. Dis isn't love, it's jus wrong.

    N ders a percentage of men who has dese preconceived notion of how a wife shud be. As long as dey r gal friends, dey mayb ok. But once dey become a wife, eveythng changes. Dats another challenge.

    yes love marriage has its challenges too. N yes ppl change. But if d partners r rite, dey can face it together n find reasonable solutions despite any challenges or differences. Ders no perfect people or couple, I feel it's abt finding d rite one for us (atleast close to rite in our dictionary) n keep growing together.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
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  6. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    That's what I have tried to say many times - none of them are a sure shot guarantee for happiness. WiseAgnes brought up some nice points. I can tell from my experience a few more things - all men expect that the woman be independent but then subdued when it comes to them. A woman should be earning, she should be able to help them out in their difficult situations. Very very few men are there who actually will let the woman interact with her family like it was before marriage. I have tried to say this in a previous post as well. Caste/religion was a consideration before, but caste is not indicative of a person's societal status anymore. Earlier, it was taken for granted that if you belong to a certain caste you would exhibit so and so traits and behavior, yes there still could be financial differences, so parents used to query for the assets of the boy/girl before marriage, family members also influence to a good extent, so there used to be that query "Does the boy/girl belong to a 'good' family?", no longer is that the case. Why? Because these factors are not enough now, there are other factors as well. I have seen the bad side of "love" before marriage. I have seen the bad side of "no love" before marriage.

    One of my relatives, the girl was barely in her 20s. Some family acquaintance saw her and they came with a proposal. The father was in a big hurry to get her married. He was a practical person, had 3 daughters, was of a middle class family, didn't have too much money to put on a dowry. The girl was also okay. This was during the days when it was not easy to get jobs and earn money. The boy, we hardly got to look at him, there was something amiss in him, he just did not seem right for her. The father without consulting anyone just decided to go ahead and it ended in a disaster. Because everyone commented that there was something wrong with the guy. Looks like he got wind of it, he put the girl through misery, refused to sleep with the girl, in-laws started to illtreat her so badly that she decided to take the extreme step within the first 3 months. The MIL as usual said the girl was not "proper", there wasn't anything for the girl to take such a step. The guy was so vain. The odd thing was that the guy belonged to a community that people of my community generally don't prefer. It ended in separation. The girl remarried, has no kids now, apparently her second husband married her only to look after his daughter from first wife. The boy remarried, has kids and living happily.

    Then there was this other person who was convinced that arranged marriages don't work. So after getting his degree, getting a job, he met this girl during one of his job interviews - both were interviewing for the same job. The girl was not so great, anyway he was attracted to her intelligence. He never professed his love. But both moved around like it was then. He sort of took it as granted that she was interested in him. After 4 years when he found the courage to propose to her, she distanced him even before he could think of it. Then he came to know after 5 months that she had someone else in mind and she was following some other guy like this guy was following her. The guy was a wreck the day she told him her marriage was fixed with the boy she was following.

    I still think it is not the type of marriage, but the way the relationship started. If the foundation was made of superficiality, dishonesty and illusions about self and the other person, then the structure will break. It's like the parties were not serious about marriage and then all of a sudden they want marriage really bad, so bad they don't see the obvious red flags and get married. Only to end in a disaster. Not all abusive marriages break, not all the so called perfect marriages are happy, sometimes they break for flimsy reasons. It is not easy to understand, you need a lifetime and lots of people around you to know the reality. Marriage is definitely not a joke. And so are relationships.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
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  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel that a successful marriage is the result of good adjustment
    You never know who the person is until you live with him/her.
    Even when you marry and live a person for years you may still feel that you are with a stranger. You wonder is it the same person you loved /you lived with for long. How come!!!!

    After love marriage, it is most likely that one feels that you loved someone else and now the person changed for no reason.every thing is taken for granted. One may see the ugly side of both by then. You were in love with prince charming, but end living with a beast..I have seen many people divorce after love marriage.

    In arranged marriage, so many other equations come into picture, you are marrying a stranger, but you may get a nice person as partner . Worse situation is also possible. See IL forum

    Any kind of permutations and combinations are possible. Those are lucky who get a lover, love of their life as their husband/ wife and remains the same through out their life time.

    I think it is like a lottery.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2017
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  8. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    For Indian Society, this is how I would break down Arranged versus Love Marriage:

    Arranged
    Parents of both girl and boy see compatibility based on horoscope (view points are in sync)
    Parents of both girl and boy are from similar religion, caste, sub-caste, however much you want to drill down (the probability that upbringing, lifestyles, habits, culture, religion, rituals, diet, etc. are significantly in sync)
    Parents of boy will seek a girl who will adopt their ways (quite possible considering the type of match-making)
    Parents of girl will seek a boy with an education, money, family that has the social structure required to keep their girl safe and well provided for (again quite possible considering the type of match-making).
    Result: Barring outliers like extreme physical limitations or mental limitations, probability for adjustment to occur over a period of time is reasonably high.

    Love
    Girl and boy seek one another who they love (even if it is pure and genuine at that point in time).
    Love does not consider looks, money, education, job, or family background (questionable sync)
    Indian boys and girls are not raised with a healthy outlook and attitude and most importantly understanding of and aligning priorities.
    Priority for Boy: 1. Dutiful son 2. Dutiful brother 3. Respectful Nephew and Cousin to a large extended family 4. Protective brother-in-law 5. Obedient boy to family friends 6. Providing father. Period.
    Priority for Girl: 1. Loyal wife 2. Obedient daughter-in-law 3. Mother. Period.

    Indian boy tries to focus on girl for some time of his life, shifts focus to his family for some time, ends up trying desperately to balance girl and family. Succeeds at none.
    Indian Girl tries to adjust for boy sometime, shifts focus to other distractions for some time, ends up frustrated with a feeling of accomplishing nothing and a sense and gloom of having lost everything.
    Result: Where did the husband-wife relationship and love go? Parents of both sides: "You made your bed, now you lie in it".
     
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for all your perspectives . Almost unanimously every one of you thinks that there is no way you can be sure of a persons future behaviour post marriage even if you have dated that person and spent time with them. This is making me jittery now because my brother is in love with a girl from a different caste. I have all along supported him without Any doubt thinking he knows the girl, nothing else matters while my parents have not been keen on it and have said that they will agree only if they find girls family background ok. My brother recently disclosed to me some skeletons in the closet of th girls family. If my parents get even a sniff of this , there is no way they will ever ever agree to this Match. For the first time even if I am not so sure of this anymore . My brother hasn't spent much time with her ,he is abroad for his studies. I badly want to believe he knows what he is doing but this thread responses are making me think that love premarriage is not the real deal and anyone can make a huge error in judgement . I am really in second thoughts.
     
  10. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    If dey r genuinely in love, dey can overcome all d changes n challenges. I hav seen my friends run to the parents / family for any fights, in case of arranged marriages, saying u married this person to me, deal with this. Or u spoiled my life n all.

    In love marriage, ders a sense of ownership, u can't blame anyone, it's all on u, n since u got into it willingly, u will b ready to adjust more too.

    Ders a saying, marry a known devil dan an unknown angel. It's kinda similar to dat.

    Every family has its own skeletons, including ur own. U can't find any family or ppl without history (gud / bad/ mixed). Ders no way u can know everything abt a person. N like a poster said, no marriages will happen if u know all d angles of a person bcoz dey r filled with bad n gud including u, ur spouse, ur bro n ur parents.

    Atleast ur bro knows d skeleton, der may even b more skeletons but bcoz of d way dey feel abt each other dey wil adjust willingly n wud even feel d pain of d other side. imagine a complete stranger who he has zero feelings for n he learns some bad stuff abt dem rite after marriage, wat will happen den. Wudnt it b a lot worser? Wud he b dis adjusting or compassionate? N dat may make a lot of difference in der life.

    Ur bro is studying, let him complete n settle in a good job n make enuf to run his family. All dis takes time, if he feels d same way abt dis gal even after dat time. Den it shows dat hes really serious abt her n u can giv ur blessings wholeheartedly. U jus hav to wait n c how dis turns out. Hav faith in ur brother to make d rite choice n b der for him.
     
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