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Gender Disappointment - How To Cope?

Discussion in 'Pregnancy & Labor' started by Angela123, Mar 18, 2020.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,
    I took a little break from IL just for a few days and back with a news. I am 11 weeks pregnant now and last week I had NIPT and found out I am having a girl. I have an 8 year old sweet daughter. So I wanted to have a boy, my reasons were (probably foolish):
    - My side of family has more females, looking at all my cousins, almost all of them except for my sister's baby, all are girls. So for a change, I wanted a boy.
    - Probably some of my bad childhood experiences as a girl might have influenced this as well.
    - I wanted to have an experience of raising a boy too. Moreover, the perfect family in mind was parents with a baby boy and a baby girl.
    - Apart from this, as soon as I had a pregnancy test I had a feeling this is a boy because this pregnancy is very different from first one.
    - since now we are a family of 4, if I have a boy there will be 2 males and 2 females (I am slightly OCD)
    -During my first pregnancy my MIL wanted a boy and she told me that, with all my heart I wished for a girl and it happened. So this time when I was thinking it is going to be boy, I thought it would just happen, just like that. When you read all these I am turning out to be terrible person, aren't I?
    - Above all, before we knew the gender my DH was talking to me as if it is a girl and he found a name already which I didn't like and it irritated me, and I wanted him to be wrong, so i wanted a boy.

    It doesn't matter what the reasons were, even if there were no reasons, in my mind I wanted a boy. Now that I know it is a girl, he doesnt have to deal with the disappointment which makes me angry and sad a little bit more, half of it is probably the hormones too. i have read the thread same title here with fellow ILites suggestions and it doesnt seem to help me very much. I know I will be fine and I will love the baby no matter what, but it is just I wanted to get over this disappointment. I tried to look at the positive sides
    - I have a healthy pregnancy so far
    - I became pregnant without trying too long. When we were trying, all I want was a sibling for DD. There are people in this world who are not as lucky as me and have to try a lot of different treatment trying to get pregnant and are still not blessed, so I should not take all these granted and should not be really complaining like this!!
    - Boy or girl, it is going to be similar effort to raise them as good individuals
    - In this world there is enough discrimination against women, so I should not be doing that in my own house!

    After writing these, I seem to calm down a bit but know it is going to come back to me.how to cope with this?
    What would you suggest? My hormones seems to be taking over my brain sometimes.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Congratulations Angela! That is great news. Wishing you a relaxed and happy pregnancy. The second one can feel so different than the first. It's almost like you are a different person.
    No. You are not a terrible person. We may not say much openly but many of us have quite a few hopes and preferences that can make one seem like a mean person. Now I can roll my eyes and laugh at it but I wanted a certain age gap between my kids in their school grades. When my second one missed that by a month or so, I was so disappointed. I was almost like, 'what is the point of trying now.. let's not try for 2-3 months as anyway the EDD will be after the school admission cut-off date." I am almost embarrassed to even type this.

    It takes time. It's like if we have a little bit of buyer's remorse with a car or house purchase, it takes some time to get over it. I have wall color remorse for one room in the house. : )

    Here's a positive side you might not have thought of so far: with the second one, parents are so relaxed about parenting, child reaching milestones, and so on. You will see your DD's personality evolve as a big sister.

    Suggestion: except with really close friends or family, don't talk about these feelings. Even if they don't scold you, the advice or comments from others might not help.

    Very happy to read your good news. God bless.
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2020
  3. deepthivinayak1

    deepthivinayak1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi,
    I can understand your situation. I have two sons. I felt same. I prayed a lot for girl baby ,even my second pregnancy was different from first. The day I came to know it is boy, I was disappointed. It take some time. Talk to parents, talk whatever u feel. U will feel light. From my heart I am saying you are blessed with angels. I wish I had one. Slowly your disappointment will fade away.


    QUOTE="Rihana, post: 4179433, member: 34666"]Congratulations Angela! That is great news. Wishing you a relaxed and happy pregnancy. The second one can feel so different than the first. It's almost like you are a different person.[/QUOTE]
     
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  4. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your words. It did help. I talked to DH yesterday, and it helped, but I feel much better than yesterday when I read the results from ob/gyn. I will continue to try looking on the brighter side. We are breaking the news to our family this weekend.
     
  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    [/QUOTE]


    My parents are not the best people to talk to on this matter, nor is DH's mom. Right after the wedding, MIL told me she wants a grandson, as if it is all in my hands!!! DH and I got very upset by this and he even told her "we are not some near extinct species to say that there should be a boy to carry over family name". My parents stay neutral, not sure what is going on in their mind. But I have a sister, so i am guessing secretly they prefer a grandson, but not telling us, but I am grateful for that too. This is only beginning of the family drama. I feel much better now, and writing my feeling out helped a lot. I know now, that my baby will have me on her side always. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!!
     
  6. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Girl or boy, it shouldn't matter. You can negotiate with your husband regarding the name and tell him you don't like it. I too had the same disappointment the second time regarding gender, but now I think it was the best thing to happen. I don't know how I would have managed if I got a baby of the gender I wanted. @Angela123, nowadays it does not matter whether it is a girl or boy, the child should be a good individual when they grow up. Take it is a gift from God and treat the individual with respect and love, how does it matter whether it is a girl or boy? We are all born with a purpose and you should help your child realize their purpose in life. Where did gender come into picture here? Just enjoy your blessing and don't think about what you couldn't get, be happy with whatever you are going to get.
     
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  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    These emotions are normal . As women we are conditioned to believe certain way . In olden days those things mattered one to carry on the family name and secondly to take care of aged parents . Both of these are irrelevant in this generation. Experiencing parenting is so much fun with second kid . I really enjoyed my second pregnancy . Embrace the new life you are going . What you are creating is not in your control but how she is going to become is totally in your hands . Think about all the fun things you can do . Most important keep yourself healthy and happy at this time . We don’t know how blessed we are . Count your blessings .
     
  8. cutepoojitha

    cutepoojitha Bronze IL'ite

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    Hello Angela,

    I think my experience will help you to get over gender dissapointment

    first let me tell you one boy and one girl is not a perfect family- this is not my statement, I have heard from many of them in US, reason a girl miss her sister and boy miss his brother.

    so perfect family is 2 boys and 2 girls - in that case boy has sister brother and vice versa

    my experience , we are 2 girls and my husband side they are 2 boys and all of his cousins are boys. He has around 14 cousins who are boys

    so when i got married and moved to his family, i thought there is no color in the family , except the DILs

    i thought for myself will surely get a girl as my side of family every one has girl/girls only, i have seen praying for boys never for a girl because every one has one.So I was super confident and when i was pregnant for first time, in gender scan it was a boy.

    though was bit disappointed, i have forgot and moved on, at 7th month of pregnancy i had miscarried with out any medical issue.

    i was depressed, disappointed and next time pregnancy was scary so I didnt think of gender all I have aimed for healthy baby.

    i got blessed with baby boy again and after 4 years I was pregnant again, since my last pregnancy was easy, now gender wish came back.

    i prayed for girl, i wished for little girl and I dreamt of girl and i was super confident thinking about my side of family, i was imagining and dreaming the attention my girl is going to get among all boys

    at gender scan they revealed it was boy, my dreams were shattered, i startred crying in the scan room.

    later i made up my mind, when my DS was born 2 months back, I was super happy

    any mother once she gives birth, she doesnt think boy or a girl.

    next thing is i feel children of same gender gel very well in long run

    We have to keep one thing in mind, choosing a gender is not in our control, we should accept that fact

    we should see positives of same gender kids, me and my husband experience

    we siblings plan every thing together, same with him and we are a happy family and our duty is to raise responsible citizens not to worry boy/girl
     
  9. Lalithambigai

    Lalithambigai IL Hall of Fame

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    Congratulations! I know this sounds too simple and cliche in the current context but still, hope it helps process your feelings, the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence. This too shall pass. Enjoy the journey!
     
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  10. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    When I was pregnant the second time I prayed for a healthy baby and secretly hoped for a sister for my first daughter. I loved growing up with my sisters fighting and being there for each other and I wanted that for my daughter. I think having same gender siblings are better. You are close even after you grow up. Most of my friends had brothers and they were openly jealous of me having 2 sisters. Right now my girls mostly fight. But i see a glimmer of care when one of them is down and I pray for them to have a strong bond that have with my sisters.
     
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