Gabfest: And Thereby Hangs A Tail

Discussion in 'Education & Personal Growth' started by Cimorene, Jan 9, 2017.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    @messedup I read your post in Mind over Meditation thread about how u did not find success in trying to meditate . This post by Gauri is very helpful. I keep reading this repeatedly and it has helped me immensely in getting a good understanding of the process of meditation :)
     
  2. messedup

    messedup Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks to show me the right way. Will take it easy from now... :blush:
     
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  3. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Good work on the practice test!
     
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  4. Kohvachn

    Kohvachn Silver IL'ite

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    When you said a hate review is coming up, I was curious what you would write about. The plot sure feels dumb and boring but enjoyed reading your thoughts. Lol. What kinda book club did you get urself into? :grinning: I'm also curious if anybody in the club liked the book? :grin:
     
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  5. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Congratulations @DDream ! That’s good news indeed. Hope the health issues are behind you now.
     
  6. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    I’m in the club because of a dear friend and my DDs Bharatanatyam teacher. Both would be annoyed if I quit. Besides I enjoy the social aspect of it. It’s a mix of women in the 30s to 60s. There was a 50-50 split with the young(ish) ones disliking the book versus the old(ish) ones finding redeemable aspects to the story. The book has mostly good reviews on Goodreads so I guess it just wasn’t for me.
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    Congratulations. Way to go.
    God Bless.
     
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  8. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    @indubalram

    “Anything that starts with “I don’t want them to think…” will end in you not standing as your fully expressed self.”

    This quote is by a life coach I came across on social media. It struck a chord so I had saved it. The way they explained it is that many of us go through life saying yes when we really want to say no. We spend our lives doing things we don’t want, just to get approval or love from other people. Having grown up in India we’re all familiar with the pressure to conform to people’s expectations from us. We study science when we actually want to write poetry because we don’t want to disappoint our parents. We take up corporate jobs when we would probably love being a teacher. We marry people we don’t love, we pick careers we hate, we spend money we don’t have and so on. These are major life choices but even on a smaller everyday basis we make choices that are not in line with our own wishes. When a colleague asks us to help with a project and we are already drowning with work, we say yes because we don’t want to upset them. And every time we deny ourselves we use the same rationalization,

    “I don’t want them to think badly of me”
    “I don’t want them to not like me anymore”
    “I don’t want them to think I am selfish”

    When we deny our needs, our values or our feelings for fear of “what will they think of me?”, we make ourselves small and it diminishes us in our own esteem. This turns into a cycle of low self worth, leading to more people-pleasing behavior, causing further injury to our sense of self. Chronic people pleasers constantly betray themselves to fulfill other people’s needs. They fear being rejected so much that they abandon their own needs and values for external approval.

    What we forget is that the person we spend the most time with is ourselves. The most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves and it sets the standard for all other relationships in our life. If we don’t love and respect ourself, we will not expect it from others. If we don’t put our needs on par with those of others, they will not do it either, and we will end up living an unfulfilled life too afraid to walk away from what isn’t serving our needs. Our opinion of ourself is the only one that ultimately matters. The question we should be asking is not ‘I don’t want them to think…’ but ‘I don’t want me to think…’.

    “I don’t want me to think my needs don’t matter.”
    “I don’t want me to think my opinion is not valuable.”
    “I don’t want me to think I deserve less than others.”

    We all have to do things we’d rather not be doing. But having to the dishes and marrying someone you don’t like are on very different planes. By trying to please everyone we are in danger of losing ourselves. We have to learn to prioritize ourselves. In the process we might lose some people who have grown accustomed to walking all over us. We just have to let them go. It is up to us to give worth to our voice and become comfortable taking up space. Without that we cannot live authentic lives. And being authentic, being true to ourself, is the only way to be at peace.
     
  9. Kohvachn

    Kohvachn Silver IL'ite

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    ^ A sticky reminder. The post makes sense in more ways than I can express. Given my mindset these days, a helpful boost this is indeed I would say. I'm super glad today brevity isn't your thing! :wink1: Thank you for sharing. :beer-toast1:
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    @Gauri03 #2437
    Super FB WITH NUGGETS in quotes in highlights below. I simply love this fb read it again & again.

    It is said of diplomats have the knack of telling YES where they actually mean to say NO and vice versa.

    I relate to this 100%. At age 12 when I accompanied mom to bank , I saw teller counting manually huge bundle of currency. It was that moment, I wished to be a banker when I grow up. During my academics, I wished to be a teacher.

    As a child, I acted with cane in my hand and some dummies as my class students! I wished to commerce and CA: but it is no to be. Dad’s brother’s son advised engineering for me. But with my average marks, I could not get admission neither for engineering nor for commerce in reputed colleges.

    Refused to be defeated, my mom admitted me in Muslim college where the principal imam said “Don’t you worry madam. We convert donkeys to horses. Your boy can study commerce here”.

    But then like bolt from blue, I took interest in maths and physics. I as a physics graduate was selected as probationary officer in public sector bank. But dad & mom put me in Engineering. I hate to carry T Square lugging huge books.

    But I gave a go by to ambitions and told myself that I should excel in whatever I am fated. I did mech engineering with specialisation design of IC engine & transmission. I was dreaming to be in the Detroit plant and handling ford assembly line.

    But the parents insisted to serve close to them in India and be true to salt( yes govt of India aided me with scholarship). Defence civil job displaced me away from parents. It was satisfying job because it was in line with my specialisation.

    But then after inevitable wedding, I begin to enjoy listening to spouse. She unopened a paper cone of masala and as (ILL)luck would have it , the paper cone contained an add of upsc exactly that I would fit the bill.

    With the dream of getting posted to London I joined civil service. But after intense training in New Delhi , I was posted to then Bombay to oversee shipping which I had to start from a clean slate. And then after few years the authorities in typical “Bharat Matha Style” were looking for a novice to look after textiles for Army, Navy, Air Force and NSG and they got me.

    I became director with zero knowledge in fabrics! Life is like This for every one in India and hence the talents gone outside India looking for greener pastures in the West.

    This is exactly what happened to me because of my turning to remain true to Salt.

    It is said that by uttering the right word at the right moment to the right man buys peace, later if not immediately. I could have said NO to parents but I enjoyed in the parental trap. I could hv said No to the authorities but I chose to remain in India while my class mates after me got into Ford- Detroit.

    It looks life journey is pre-decided for several births before soul’s liberation!
     

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