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Frustrated!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 13, 2022.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    A big thank you @sm123


    This!
    This is what hurt me the most.
    Like you, I have my own struggle in cooking. I work full time, and it is a very hectic managerial position that requires frequent travelling. My physical health and other responsibilities drain me so much and I absolutely have no time in cooking varieties of dishes the way our mothers explored their kitchens. They were different, they stayed at home and had the time & energy unlike us.
    Yet, I take the time to learn certain types of dishes (my husband is Indian, so I learned Indian cooking) and make an effort to cook for him.
    For all these struggles, I expect nothing as appreciation. If he could at least stop acting as if I don't care for him or his preferences, it would be enough for the time being. Because he should know that I can't do everything!
    Kids are learning from him. At this age, they do not understand the role of a mother or a father but want everything at their comfort.
    I am afraid his negativity might influence the kids negatively down the line.


    Exactly.. I am at this stage where I am not worried much about this problem.

    I have my other blessings and success in life. I can't ask for more and more from God, because you can't have it all. This is my fair chance in life, and I should be able to appreciate this. In fact, other than venting here, I conduct myself positively.

    All I want is, my H to go out, meet with people, and understand how marriage works from others.
    He will surely learn from other's experiences if he get to see them
     
  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Why are you engaging in so much back and forth with your husband over mundane matters such as the day’s cooking? Decide the menu in advance for the week, shop once when it’s convenient and then prepare food as per your taste and capabilities. You work hard to earn money, no need to jump around like a short order cook. Tell everyone that this is the menu and they can eat it or manage on their own.
    This will also be good for kids as they will learn to be flexible instead of expecting everything to be catered to them. You can cook per requests on weekends and special occasions. Don’t needlessly complicate your life.
     
    chanchitra, Rihana and sm123 like this.
  3. Divyasaravanan

    Divyasaravanan Senior IL'ite

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    Reading all these comments, I feel like some ladies failed to keep their DH in place right from the beginning. I also started out like every other Indian womon, doing special things for DH, being so nice all the time, going that extra mile for him. But the moment I realized its just a one way street, I literally stopped doing that, stopped being emotionally dependent on him for my happiness! Now after only a few years, DH doesnt even remember all the special things I did to him, he thinks I am selfish who only does things for myself and my kids. Let it be!! I don't really care! Whenever he says, my mom used to do this for me! I'll just tell him, come out of the past, we are both parents now, so we need to do something special for our kids!!!
     
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    Soon after wedding, Among relatives a d siblings there is always talk about the changes in persona demeanor of couple.
    There is some kind of technology transfer too. I have seen lots of changes in grasping level in cooperation helping tendency hobnobbing alertness . Each other cause changes in the other positive or negative. A reticent one turns into a broadcaster, seemingly a slumber one filled with sloth and inertia is commanded suggestively a d elevate spouse and together th they reach pinnacle or land in jail or turn depressed and ail with chronic diseases.
    Few husbands realise family is a team work like cricket eleven. There can be donkey hubby's. There could be a bull turned into timid cow.
    At some stage the behaviour seem to get reversed. The noisy one turn into silent subservient. The tough one turn into a kind and compassionate. What causes these changes making one of the partners in family turn responsible or irresponsible. Compatibility changes or fluctuates. Muffs turn into shrewd creatures!
    In the yore of days women use to wait with ladder on cheek looking for early return of husband from work. There was no overtime in office.
    God & seasons, Bless both strong and weak couple in varying proportions.
    During difficult catch 22 situations consult and bank upon expertise of spouse.
    Happy Golu .
     
  5. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    I can totally understand @SGBV. You do care for him and its his attitude is not allowing him to see that. He can see only if he wants to see. But with this going back n forth,I think you might be losing the your time. Dont engage him at all.

    This is what I do every week..Publish a menu on Sunday evening and I tentatively put the dishes,some days I say "eat out"(from kids favorite restaurant..so that way kids are happy too,they look forward every week where mommy is ordering the food from..lol)..usually thats atleast 2-3 days and I account that money as "outside food" in our planning.

    Again,this menu is a tentative one,I change stuff according to my patience/energy/comfort etc..but 2-3days are definetly outside from Kids favorite place.. and Whenever I get time,instead of pleasing DH,I take the kids out for a quick ice cream or walk etc etc,so that I can take off my guilt and also i get to spend time with them..So,even though DH takes them to classes and all,Kids love to spend time with me more,infact in our walks,I tell them that me working gives us extra comfort and its important to recognize Daddy's work and so as Mommy's work too.. again,god only knows how much its getting into their brain.

    Dont worry about much for future.You keep doing your job on explaining stuff to kids,which you are doing nyway..

    True,we have many blessings to count for..But at the end of the day,we are human too. We often forget the stuff and look for more and when it does not come out from our loved one(especially spouse),we feel exhausted,used,cheated etc etc..But again,I feel we got the kids into this life,so do our best in taking care of them.To be able to do that,we need to be happy to start with.

    Hehe,If that happens, then your thread name wont be "Frustrated"..Rather you will be saying,its fairytale..lol ..Jokes apart,thats what I would want my DH to do as well..but unfortunately he does not,proably things will change later...But when that happens,I need to have my health and energy to enjoy those days with my DH..So,I treat him like a roomie..Some days are good,some are best and some are sad and some are horrible!!!.. Package of the life I guess

     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @sm123 and @Divyasaravanan

    To be honest, I do not care anymore whether he is impressed or not. I do not do anything to impress him since long. Indeed I tried in the past, was desperate to hear his comments etc... But not anymore. After understand the fact that he sees what he wants to see, I've stopped doing things to impress him.

    I am very much independent in life, like i am the boss kind of.
    I still try to be fair, and help others in the family out of love & care for them. I try to reach for their inputs when it comes to decisions. But never depend on what they say or think when it comes to serious family decisions. Because I know, at the end of the day, it is me who will have to face the consequences of what I decide today, and not them. This is my way of being responsible, as I was thrown into this.

    In fact, now a days my H tries to impress me by so many ways. He listens to what I propose, and what I decide and always sides by my side. Which is nice, but of late I sense something different in his behavior.

    To be frank, I didn't have the time in understanding his changed behavior or reciprocate for the same as I was very busy battling so much in life to sustain. I didn't bother much about the marriage when the survival was getting difficult in the past.

    Now that, we are at a very comfortable state in life. Well settled, kids are growing and well taken cared of. So, the mind is going back to the past and analyzing everything to find answers to the grey areas that I skipped when busy.

    He is being nice with me, but not because of love or affection. But because of his insecurity.
    He is trying to listen to me, and accepting my decision because he thinks he has no choice.
    He is not happy that I have survived from all the past difficulties and protected the family without much harm. Rather, he thinks I am being bossy, and using his dependency state to gain power.

    I've sensed this before, and tried giving him certain power to make him feel positive about life in the past. But he was too weak to be manipulated by his folks, and it didn't help. He either lost it or at the verge of loosing it when I rescued him again.
    He knows that, agrees with me, yet he sees what he wants to see...

    This is something I can't help. I don't want to please him and as a result lose everything I have struggled to save in the past.
    Rather, it is better to be in his bad books forever, and lead a much peaceful life with family.
    Unfortunately I don't have a choice and that is life for me.

    But, this idle mind cries for acceptance, and feels guilty for none of my mistakes.
     
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  7. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    I totally hear you.

    which is one way good,but dont trust him fully.. I am in the same boat..I feel i went down many times and came back up,but I am not sure how long I shall have this energy with no supports from both side of the family..I am my only support for myself..and I believe that as long as my intentions are good,I feel God is/shall be with me,which I have seen/am witnessing,so that makes me feel that I am not bad too.So..hang in there Dear.

    I feel exactly the same about my DH. But again "without in-laws" in the equation,DH is reasonable and In-laws going out of the equation will not happen,catch-22 situation for me :)
    He knows that, agrees with me, yet he sees what he wants to see...

    Exactly. There is nothing much you can do..and infact I can't do anything as well..and yes, I better be in the bad books forever for my DH as well. As long as we are trying to our best with no bad intentions,thats all it is.

    I guess thats what I am entitled for my life..But again things do change,so..I might have better life with my DH later.May be/may not be..But I want to be around till my kids grow up and I need to be around..Rest all,I tend to get my peace towards Spiritual.

    Somehow I feel,our state is similar..Starting point is not same,journey is not same,but I am in a state where I feel I am getting punished or DH/Inlaws makes me feel guilty of the stuff that I didnt do anything wrong.

    You are right..My mind also cries for accpetance from DH and it does not happen..and I am stuck.But again,what options we have..Walk-out or stay in the family,manage as much as I can,take care of the kids..So,I am looking at the blessings and trying to improve myself day by day and making myself strong..Not sure how each day is unfolding for me.

    Take care Dear..All I can say is,stay positive..Dont think too much..You are doing your good..Just keep feeding all the good stuff to the body/mind/soul..Again,saying is easy but doing is not easy,atleast for me..Still trying :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2022
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV, this thread made me think of all the ways in which my kids judge my parenting, my friends get the same from their kids, and this is an eternal cycle - each generation has some questions to ask of their parents. The questions we ask our parents change as we grow from primary school age to tweens to teens and into adulthood.

    Most of the questions are based on what the child experiences and can recall, such as mother not being at home in exam times, unfair timeout's, not allowed to wear some clothes, not allowed to go on school trips, strict rules etc. The one about breastfeeding, however, is not something the child can recall without inputs and opinions from family and relatives.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This reasonable behavior happens along with trying to one up each other in front of the kids?
     
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  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks @Rihana

    As a kid, I had questioned my parents a million of times in the past. As you said, the questions varies from preschool to adult age, yet it all came from me. No one influenced me against my own parents.
    There were things they did not do better, and there were things they did beyond their level best. As I grow old, I am able to assess both and their circumstances, but what I felt as a kid or what I experienced with them always weigh high before anything else. This is normal for all the children.

    I also know, I failed at certain things as a mother (Being with kids when they were too young etc...)but did so much more than what they could ask for. I know, these young kids will grow old soon and understand everything. Besides that, I love them so dearly and they do the same.

    The issue is, someone constantly influencing the kids against me. In fact the purpose of the influence is something else (to make them believe their dad is the best), but that often comes with putting me down for what I missed/didn't do for them. This hurts, because kids are too young to weigh everything to understand what it is. They see what they see.

    Besides, I am still a victim of such negative influence in life. Because of PILs constant negative influence, my H is unable to think rational, and it is affecting me seriously. I don't want his children (probably they have his genes that can get so influenced by others) to suffer the same. Ultimately it will become a never ending saga in my life.

    But hope, they share my genes as well, and will decide from their heart & brain once they grow up

    Not really.... He is being nice and corporative when we are alone, rather than before the kids. He is different before my immediate family members like my FOO or kids, where he pretends he is the boss and treat me differently.
    But before the rest of the world, including our mutual friends, his friends etc... or when alone he is super nice and loving husband.

    This has been the case since a long, since the time i believe in laws have started negatively influenced him against me & FOO.

    He used to be very nice & super respectful during the 5 years courtship period before marriage and the many years before that as friends. He used to visit my home, and always behaved nice. The only difference is, that his parents joined him in 2009, and I left him for work the same year. Then everything has changed upside down.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2022

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