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Frustrated!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Sep 13, 2022.

  1. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    your husband has to do extra homework and support kids instead of bitching about you. He is jobless and does not want to take additional responsibility of kids . How can that be possible? He needs to get a job and let you take rest .
    You need to be open and show the reality.
     
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  2. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with @nolife . Your dh is insecure and trying cheap ways , i do not understand to get WHAT. Sorry to say it is such a bad personality . ask him to go for work , anything. may be my views are different . my dh has never gifted anything alone to kids. ask him he will say , everyday is his kids birthday. he is on top of everything for both, school , dr appt. music, karate , cooking for them and will make sure he takes them , finds time to sit and make them study or practice . if he buys , he will simply tell i did. I am the one who is pampering him.

    ask him to find work , even cleaner. why he can learn cooking. do dishes at home. may be cleaning is hard. simply eating sleeping and blaming on depression. i do not believe in it. if he has depression take him to doctor, get some medicines. in 6 weeks he will feel better and get on life.

    and you should stop overthinking. so many threads here all good advise. but what's the point , YOU made your way up through hard work, it is same for everyone. he is no different. there is no holy grail to success.

    Kids are not or never should be controlled. I have seen parent sacrifice everything and kids treat them like dirt and parents who did not do anything just helped. their kids treat them royals .
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is what I am wondering. I have never seen a man who sits at home and depend on his wife when he has the right qualification & right set of skills to go out and work. Perhaps it is acceptable if he is sick or has a disability. But here, I don't understand how this is possible for a man to stay home, and dwell in negativity when he has everything needed to secure a decent job.

    Not just him... His younger brother is also the same! He has all the qualification, yet chose not to work. He forced his wife to work, but nothing colourful turned up for her. So the family is dwelling in poverty.

    I am your DH in my family. I have never gifted my kids on special occasions, but buy them gifts every now and then. I am on top of everything be it their school, studies, health matter, cooking, entertainment etc..etc... despite of working and providing for the family.
    In such families, I wonder what is the other spouse's role?

    It is easily said than done. He doesn't have clinical depression. But whatever it is, a counselling session or two would do wonders. But he doesn't take it positively, doesn't corporate. And I do not want another headache by forcing him for clinics.
    I have given his enough advice and directions on this already.

    The point here is....
    I am able to vent my heart out. Have people who are listening to me. It gives me the strength to pick up the pieces and move on in life.
    I maintain my life journal here through these treads. I see how far I have come in this life. It gives me encouragement to move forward.
    I do not like to suffer in pain and be a loser for what I am going through. Instead, I like to bounce back and find a break through for success.
    That's how I am successful in my life in so many matters, despite of having such a heavy baggage to carry.

    Yes, I have seen them too. That's my worry. And that's what I am here seeking advice for not raising my kids the wrong way.
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    then you are doing your best. Focus on work , exercise and meditation. Kids in guiding them and helping.

    that is only your karma. What results come when you are old, is not in your control.
     
  5. nolife

    nolife Silver IL'ite

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    It is sad that most men are like this. I have been seeing men in matrimony sites unmarried with out job and still not inclined to work. This is definitely a toxic behavior. It is sad that women are going through this and putting up with this. If the same is done by women men are divorcing her or leaving her.
     
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  6. pinky18

    pinky18 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear.. I really feel for you, I am almost in same boat exception is, I have one kid and is young in age, more I keep my finance very much secure, don't feel like I need to inform him each penny who is not willing to support me financially for child we produce together. My husband also had choose to stay home by his own choice not by joint couple decision. I tries to load as much household and responsibilities he can.. you also have to learn other person's capabilities... my husband to average cooking and cleaning but I had accepted the way it is and praise and give him positive rewards when he does so atleast he is in use of something for family.

    Only thing I can advise from my experience, no one will be there to save you and do for you if health gets deteriorate, your Health should be your 1st priority. Your kids will learn and understand your sacrifice when time comes even how much your husband tries to cover up.. keep patience.. every doggie has their day...

    Last if kids don't understand why you not taking time off for their school events or other emotional needs as much they want, 1st ask them to make sacrifices with their super needs , like cutting their pocket money so you need to earn less and less hours on works.
    Be assertive at the end "You are the hero, all they depends you, be proud on your self.. you doing as much you can as best human... trying to give your kid whole family and mending your relationship with your husband who didn't supported you when you needed him most.. but you still supporting him... you deserve much more happiness... take a chill pill.. don't care much what husband portray, what kid understand.. live in moment and do what best you can for that day... lots of love and hug to you..
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dear @pinky18

    I clearly have no issues if my H chose to stay at home, and cover house hold responsibilities. But he doesn't like to do any of them, even during difficult situations. If forced (rather asked whenever I was overwhelmed) he would keep a long face, and use his jobless card for self pity.
    But I have come a long way, to make it very clear that no matter what, everyone in the family should work at home to ensure the house is functioning.

    Currently he does basic cleaning, laundry (machine) and monitor kid's on-line classes (coordination). He also does groceries and pay the bills (online).
    If he wants anything special, he learnt to cook it for himself, and if asked share the same with kids.
    But more importantly, he has learnt to adjust with what I cook for the family, and enjoy what he has rather than demanding like a spoilt kid.

    He isn't a stay at home material. He used to work hard, and enjoy managing staff in the past. He has capabilities and he is a social person who can't stay indoors.
    But he chose to listen to his parents to punish me; hence resigned from his well paying job, and stayed home for a longer period which resulted this joblessness.
    This pushed me to work, as a result I secured a wonderful career. The loss is his, and He regrets the decision now.

    I think, pushing him back to the workforce is the only option. This can resolve many of our problems. Because we are away from PILs and will have no interaction with them hereafter
     
  8. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    hey @SGBV

    Sorry about the late post. Got help up with some unnecessary drama at home(from DH-Another thread where I shared ther details earlier) and also work schedules.

    My DH is also in the same boat.Too much of self pity and negativity,feels worthless(thanks to my MIL,she constantly provokes him with that guilt of he being away,or tells him that he does not know anything,cant even control wife etc). I also wish DH should come out and mingle with people..As much as I want that to happen,he does not step out of that shell...So,I can totally imagine.

    This does have an influence on the kids to some extent.But dont worry..kids can understand us better than the spouse.They will realise your hardwork/sacrifices that you are doing to run this family.So hang in there Dear.Take care.
     
  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I never thought even in my wildest dream in laws could influence in our marriage life this far.
    Because I have seen problematic in laws of my cousins, but they are angels compared to what I have in life.

    We no longer maintain connection with in laws, but the damage is already done. Not sure whether it is reversible.

    My husband thinks I am dominating him. Of course yes, because I run the family. So naturally someone has to take the leadership. I do not dominate him otherwise.
    He thinks I & my FOO are ganged up together against him. We are one gang for sure, but we are here to support each other and we have nothing against him.
    My husband thinks I can not be right and he must always reject whatever I propose... Be it simple decisions like what is for dinner to what to invest with the money we have. He says no to whatever I propose. It takes lots of time and effort to convince him that my ideas aren't that bad, and indeed they can be positive. But I am tired these days, because all my genuine actions and proposals are rejected or questioned by him instead of supporting me in the process.
    For instance: If I decide to cook a special curry for him, he will ask me not to cook that. I know he likes that curry, and I have the time to do it for him, so why not. Then he will ask me, is there any hidden plan behind cooking this special curry for me?
    He will not eat that curry, and show reluctance in touching the same by citing several lame excuses like having gas or stomach upset etc....
    I get the hints, when he does the same repeatedly.

    Then I will have to sit with him and explain everything to make him convince it is OK to eat what I prepared for him specifically.
    He is ok with the usual food, or dress that is offered to the entire family. But heavily worried if anything is offered to him.. be it a service or a food or anything for that matter.

    This is an influence from PILs, who have brainwashed him in such a way that he should be careful with me & my family.
    In laws are not here with us, but I am unable to clear his head and make him unlearn the stuff in laws made him believe in the past.

    I don't know whom to blame.... in laws or my husband who worshiped them as Gods.
     
  10. sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Well @SGBV .. I feel you are ending up losing your sanity or peace in this process. Since,I am more or less in the same boat as you(atleast with DH pattern I mean),I can definetly relate to some extent.

    Whatever you are doing is great. Continue to do the same. I am also labelled in the house as Strong woman and my DH thinks that I dominate him(lol,he himself knows that thats not true)..Its just that when he is under the In-laws influence,he can't see that. Only if he wants to come out from that influence,he can come out..Otherwise,no one can help him.

    Also, though I am a complete veg person,i learned Non veg cooking for my DH.Me being a brahmin,coming out of that shell and tried to make something that he likes,so you can imagine the effort I would have put. Though I did cook many times,but I never touched the Non-veg with hands(as I am super scared). I used to manage with forks and knives and yet manage to cook. DH used to enjoy that cooking/dishes,but you know what he used to say sometimes,who asked you to cook. You wanted to cook,so thats why you cook..Though,it hurted me very bad,but he is right.It is me,who was doing all these to impress him.

    Then I realised,not only the person who is giving,the other who is receiving should realise the worth,otherwise its useless. So,I stopped making stuff.I cook the reguler stuff and order the Non-Veg from outside. Less work and less disappointment for me too.

    What I have realised over the years is,we are not in this world to please the people.You are not his(DH's) Mom.Period. You dont need to explain/convince him for stuff. He is a grown up/matured adult and should be able to take the decissions/understand what is right and wrong(same as like my DH again)..But unfortunately due to the influence from In-laws,they are like this. Hopefully they will realise that(or they may have,but its just that they are having hard time coming out of that and make peace with themselves and hence self pity etc).

    But since he is like that,that impacts me and Kids too. But whenever I am home,i just try to spend time with kids and constantly remind myself that,I am just here to help the grow in their life and whatever they become/whatever they want to do in their life is not in my control. I have seen people flourished coming from a bad influence and people made their life mess,even their brought up is in a good environment.

    At the end of the day,every person has their own personality that they are born with.To some extent we can impact/alter it as parent/spouse,when we cant change it fully.. All we can do is change ourself. So make peace with you and you are doing your best already,So dont take it anything personally or to heart. You are a good soul and continue be one. If people are not realsing it,we cant do much.Take care Dear.

    Saying all these is very easy,but practising takes time,which I am still trying.Good luck!
     
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