I really dont know where my life is going I dont know whether i am upset or angry or jealous .Sil is been married for 5yrs n me for 10yrs..before she got married she was in a relationship with one of my cousin.My family (aunt's family as well)got to know abt it only when he told us abt the relation.His family did not agree intially but later agreed so he first came and spoke to my fil to which fil had arrogantly said that if my uncle comes and talks he will think abt it. during this time i was at my parents for my delivery. After sometime my cousin informed his parents that he is not interested in the relation as my sil is having a bf and continuing the relation even after he spoke to my fil abt the marriage.I came to know that my H knew abt this relation rite from the start , n he was happy as well. I think the rejection was bad( not sure i was at parents home).H all of sudden comes and fights with me for bureau which my dad had got me, for which H never had bothered ask keys previously. when asked y he suddenly wants the key he said that ILs wanted to show the sarees that i had got in baby shower. I was a 15days away from the due date , the fight was bad after he left my BP was low and difficulty in breathing.During the delivery he was of no use though he was in the hospital, when the baby was born he was nowhere to be seen. My son was born at & ILS came at 10 only after H went and picked up from the home.For the 11th day ceremony H and his parents came at lunch time coz of this mom n dad sat for the pooja with my baby. My parents side dont ve the custom of doing naming ceremony, hence my ILs said they ll do it ,my dad was ready to give the money for the expenses which i conveyed the they r not beggars.After 9 months went back to H place and surprise H was not even there to recive me thought it was a sunday. Exactly after a week all his relatives come home and i m clueless when i asked H is there an occasion he replies that tommorrow is the naming ceremony. None of my reltives were invited not even my parents.
Lots of events happened like when they were looking for sil alliance they wld all gather into a room discuss the details i wld get to know only on the day the alliance wld come home, i just let it pass . My father had fallen sick and wanted to see my son when i wanted to go H objected saying that Mils father is also sick , so she is going u go after she comes back but she never went. The very midnight dad is admitted to hospital in ICU,i went alone with my kid in early morning. he passed away after a day without seeing my son.My mom went into shock and cld not walk. after 3 days fil comes n tells come home mil has leg pain. sil was married n cld ve come n helped, i refused to go and when the funeral was conducted H sent my sleepy DS with Fil in a two wheeler to his place without informing me and after sometime he too left . I fought with my Dh n asked y he did it he replied sil had come home n wanted to see my DS, n that DS wld spend the night there itself. DS has never spent a night without me , i told him that if he does not bring back my bay i ll file a case. I bought the kid in the midnight n left without any word. Next day he comes and says sorry , mom was like forgive he knows his mistake dont fight over it . after few days he comes n tell that his mom cant manage housework. I went with him on condition that every day i ll come n help mom as she was still not able to walk.He objected saying that u ve 2 sisters they ll look after , y u they can quit n look after , n my sisters were ready as well but me n mom did not wanted them to quit . So for 15 days i used travel to n fro abt 30 kms. FIL said that leave my mom in hospital . This was my weakest n H was neither supporting me nor consoling me. I supported him in evrything . Just after 9 months of marriage i get he know he has diabetes n he was borderline diabetic even before marriage which was not informed to us after sometime one of his aunt informs that he has studied only till 10th where as we were told that he had diploma n hardware for 3yrs after pu, which is equivalent to a degree. when confronted mil was ur family shd ve enquired properly. Its been 7 yrs since H is jobless though we own a house n rented two houses those r my fils n right now he is taking care of the bills n expenditure.All my n my DS necessities come from my place. Now i feel like my DS n my future is unstable, this marriage is only for name sake. There is no trust between me n H , love is out of question . Shd i really stay in this relation where there is not even finacial security (this may seem shallow to some but only i know the difficulties) , if a leave i dont want to stay at my mom's place maybe close by i dont even ve a job rite now all these have affected me a lot n ve lost interest in everything, put on lots of weight, feel always tired n unable to play with DS also. I am reaaaalllly sorry for the very loong post n thanks in advance for reading this
OP, I am sorry, you have to deal with such bad IL's. Please do not dance to their tunes. Make sure, you stand your ground and not give in to their whims. You have lost your father, and it must be a very tough time for you. Take your time to grieve and support your mom. Meanwhile, find a job if you can. As you have already written, do you have to bear with your H, IL's?? Its up to you. If your parents have been supporting you all along financially, I think its time to stop depending on them and find a way to earn your living.
OP do whatever you think it is right, including your grieving mom. Try to learn how to say NO when it is needed. (straight NO, diplomatic NO, whatever). Also try to be financially independent if you can. That will make give you confidence to deal with these situations. Dont give impression to others that they can mistreat you all the time. If you allow them, they will do it for ever.
OP- Being concerned about financial security is not being shallow.Your husband and iLs are very insensitive.If you are brave and strong enough (i think you are, looking at the way you threatened your husband about complaint and got your baby back),get separated with your child.Return only on the condition that your husband gets a stable job and accommodation. If they don't heed and threaten you,file for divorce and lodge a complaint with the police.Also get to work on getting a job as soon as possible.May God give you strength.
For a moment, I felt like why she is cribbing about the past, which has happened some 10 years back. But reading through your post, it is clear that your past has never changed. You are still stuck in this bad marriage for no reasons. Looks like you are educated. Why can't you find a job and be financially independent. It is not right to expect your FOO to sponsor for all your needs, and that of your son's always. You and your son are your responsibility too. If your H is not capable of handling the finances, be the bread-winner of your own family. It is time for you to look for a job, immediately!!! Once you are financially independent, you would be in a position to think and act clearly. If you think that you are being controlled by your PILs, then move out. If you think your H is not respecting you as a woman, as a wife and as a mother of his child, then it is time to demand for the respect. Teach your husband that a family means H, W & kids. Others are extended family members only. His mom, his sister, and his grand-mother are important, but only after you and your kid. He can't do anything to make his folks happy and comfortable at the cost of paining you. And if he does so, tell him that you will have to walk away for your own sanity. Encourage him to be financially responsible than depending on his dada. What if he doesn't have a degree. There are plenty of uneducated people are filling the work force. He should find a job as per his qualifications and experience. He should be able to earn some money, at least to take care of his own needs. Depending financially on FIL will indirectly make you guys follow his rules and regulations all the time. First of all refuse to obey these unreasonable demands from anyone. Such as, asking you to look after MIL, when your own mom is in a very bad state, expecting your son to spend a night with his aunt, when he can't sleep without momma and making you travel 30km one way daily instead of allowing you to stay with your depressed/sick momma for a while during that heavy time. When such requests come, say NO bluntly. Your financial independence and your ability to say NO - when the boundaries are crossed, should enable you to live in a peaceful marriage. But, even after all these above, your marriage remains stressful, then it is time to leave. Looks like you lose nothing other than your marital status by leaving. But before this last resort, I encourage you to try the above 2 (financial independence, learning to say NO) and see how it goes.
Dear Op, In addition to the suggestions given by SGBV, just in case if ur Dh is unable to get a job, u take over his role and let him take urs (nothing to feel bad about it) in fact I have seen men (not all) are far more better in house management. Please ensure u guys are not financially dependent with anyone. Best wishes,
@csm From reading your post it is clear that your marriage is not working. Your husband is unsupportive and lacks empathy towards you and your family. He is clearly not ready for the responsibilities of marriage and children. As hard as I know it will be for you and your son, I think you should get out of this marriage before it's too late. Think about what you are getting out of staying: Love, emotional and/or financial support, security? What about your son? What kind of environment is he growing up in if he sees his mother being disrespected by his father and his grandparents? What will you gain from leaving? Independence to live your life on your terms and freedom to bring your son up with good values.
No one can tell you what to do. You have to decide that for yourself. However, people can certainly tell you what they might do under the same circumstances. I know I would not stay. This is no way to raise a child. I have two questions: (a) Your English is fine - in the Indian context, an obvious sign that you are educated. Do you think you could get a job, given a little time? Do you have some work-experience at least? If you needed temporary support, and daycare for your son, what resources could you call on? (b) Seven years of unemployment is bizarre. Six months of full-time job-hunting may be OK, perhaps a year. After that, it is better to take almost any job to remain at least partially self-sufficient, or failing that, at least a minor contributor to joint finances. There does not seem to be anything stopping your husband from retraining - if only to compensate for his lies when he married you. Surely his father is willing to give him a leg up with this? What does your husband do with his time? The reason deceit succeeds is that we tend to view divorce as utterly inconceivable. Women do not just walk out. Artful prospective ILs, deceptive marriage fixers, and duplicitous husbands all know this. They feign perfection until the magic manacles are put on, after which women imagine themselves incapacitated, powerless to do anything and succumb to a sad lethargy. You need to rediscover the spark that was willing to start a fire when your infant was taken from you without your permission.
