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frustrated ( its coming down slowly)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by santhusen8, Mar 27, 2014.

  1. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry to contradict you my friend but parents are supposed to be a little more than sperm and egg providers. If you regard your daughter as a hindrance to your work, studies whatever, don't blame her if she grows resentful of her parents. It seems like it's more of your decision than your wife's. She must be unhappy about this arrangement.
    Anyway, since you prefer eating your cake and having it too, continue what you're doing and then come to online forums to wallow in self-pity and blame others for the aftermath of your selfish decisions. :thumbsdown
     
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  2. kn543

    kn543 Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm going to say the same thing that almost all of the other posters have said.


    BRING BACK YOUR BABY.
    You do know that you have daycares, nannies etc who can help take care of your kiddo right? Now that she is a few months old you dont even have to worry as much.


    There are so many of us who give birth and take care of our child and study/ work. It is a big deal only when you make it into one. Your child is your responsibility and needs her parents love, attention and care not her grand parents.


    Your In laws and parents have this misundertsnading between them only because of the situation that you have placed them in. Dont for any reason bring back either of your parents when you bring your child back. That would only make things worse.


    As both you and your wife understand eachother, I think you both should have a talk. Dont take sides or blame the grand parents. Just agree to disagree on that. But going forward make sure this bitterness doesnt continue. Remember and realise that they wouldnt have fought with each other if not for the baby being there in India. Everyone wants the best for the kiddo. Pick up the phone and talk to both parents, appoligise and thank them for their care and support and bring back you child.


    The first few years are the best years, dont miss out on that for studies and job. You can get that back but you will never get back your first child's first few years ever.
     
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  3. santhusen8

    santhusen8 Junior IL'ite

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    haha , some one said why did you post , is it for advice ,
    haha no way i don't need any advice at all , i was just angry yesterday night
    for couple of hrs and i have to stay away from my wife , so vented out my frustration
    , haha but any how thanks for the advice
    will consider your advice
     
  4. sreena12

    sreena12 Senior IL'ite

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    Santhusen

    OMG!!! Your baby isn't a tennis ball.. I pity your daughter.

    Get your daughter back. You and your wife as parents are responsible for her upbringing, not your or your wife's parents.

    All grandparents love their grandchildren unconditionally and would wana give them the world. Yes, they do get possessive and insecurities would arise.

    Studies/Job shouldn't affect your daughter being with you guys. There are day cares here. They do a wonderful job. What's family when your daughter isn't with you during her tender years??

    Regards
    Sreena
     
  5. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    There are several mistakes or bad decisions taken by YOU here !
    1. Sending the baby to India
    2. Insisting that the baby be sent to YOUR parents's place.

    I understand that the first was / had to be carried out, as you have put career over family. Well, that is your priority, and I will not question that.

    But, I do not see any reason for a healthy happy baby to be forced & shuttled between two households. Your MIL was handling the baby very well. You gave her control of your baby's life to her, when you requested HER to take care of the baby. Forcing her to then hand over the baby to your parents is TOTALLY WRONG AND UNFAIR.

    There is no evidence that your MIL illtreated the baby, so why did you spoil the one stable environment that your baby had ? If the stint was planned only for 6 months, would it not be easier for one household to give the baby a happy, healthy and stable environment ? Neither you are ready to give that environment to your baby, NOR are you allowing your baby to have one, by forcing your MIL to hand the baby over to your parents. (Am not against your parents ! Had you decided earlier to give the baby to your parents, all above statements would be in reverse)

    The point am trying to make is an infant needs ONE stable environment. Shuttling it between multiple parties would make the kid to feel insecured and will grow with low self esteem. Please read some articles of parenting before you make such "wise" decisions again.

    Your wife is angry with your parents, for agreeing with you, and dancing to your tunes. To be frank, she must be resenting you so much now. You have already divided a mom & baby, and your showcasing to a Mom that you can destroy the environment a baby can grow in too !! Trust me, motherhood & mother's love & connection to their kids get to be more stronger than I think you realize.

    Please ask your parents to relax and visit the baby every now & then. Let your wife to relax and study for her exams. Let your MIL to nourish the baby, however she can and knows. As long as the baby is happy and healthy. Small babies lose & gain weight very easily. So please do not take only that as a thumb-rule. Apologize to your parents for putting them in a spot. Apologies to your MIL if your ego permits. Definitely apologize to your wife, have a long talk, and let her relax.

    Hope you get this into action soon !!!

    PS : Apologies help your wife to forgive you. Even if you do the right thing now, acknowledging that you did bad earlier, helps their ego too, as you may realize she has a heart & brain too !
     
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  6. suasin

    suasin Gold IL'ite

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    It should be the wife 'venting' it out here!! Its tough being away from a baby. The father sees, touches, plays, hears and then bonds with the baby. But for the mother its a part of her that she is leaving in someone else's care. It is really fair that the maternal grandparents take care of the baby. Once she is a little older, either GPs will do.your mom didnt like her giving bath, her mom didnt like yours feeding!!!can you understand her frustration?? Why dont you try to be in her place and support her till her exams?
    Life is so unfair!!! And never in favor of the woman!!!!
     
  7. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    don't know how old is the baby or how old she was when she was sent to India. Doesn't she need mom's milk or what is she having?

    Anyway, i think the problem here is with priorities.
    If your studies are a priority, then she should take a break from studies (she took one while she was pregnant than why not now?), have the baby back here.
    If her studies are a priority, then bring the baby back and look for a nanny or a day care. In any case, baby should be a priority over everything else in life. Studies, exams can happen later but the early years of a baby needs both parents.

    On a funny note, looks like the priest or astrologer are able to have a higher influence on where the baby stays. May be you hire a astrologer or a priest to say exactly where you guys want the baby to be.

    Define your priorities - baby or studies. I think the answer is obvious.
     
  8. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    I don't understand why everyone is saying that it was a mistake to sent baby to INDIA.
    Why do women not understand another woman's perspective? Its not like OP had sent the baby to someone unknown, but to their own parents.
    OP's wife wanted to finish off her education/exams, get a job and settle. It was not like they had planned for baby for things to fall in place. It just happened.
    I am sure, if the 'man of the house' decided to send baby for his career reasons, very few people will protest it. But, if a woman that too a mom decides to send, then it is a crime. I am sure that it must have been really difficult for OP and wife to be without the baby(from the desc it looks like they love each other and the baby very much).

    Its very important for baby and mom to bond in the initial months or years, but even otherwise should be fine too. OP will be able to take care of the baby even better with good and satisfactory career. Since women think that mom should not stay away from baby, they are sacrificing their life bigtime. That is the reason why there are too few executive women in the top positions.
    So, you give all that top notch education to your daughters and then expect them not to work??? Or there will be break in the career and then it stops all together.My mom works and will be in office 10-7. I used to hate that as a kid. But now, I am soo proud of her to have managed her career and family well. She is satisfied both ways and she is my role model to me.
    I think we need to change the mindset and support OP here..
    Fights between parents and INLaws happen in most of the houses and we grow out of it. These are the stepping stones and will carve us as adults. I am sure OP will stand up for himself and his wife and won't encourage parents gossip as it is not a healthy environment.
    PS: I am a mom of 1 yr old GIRL.
     
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  9. DinkyManoj

    DinkyManoj Silver IL'ite

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    Pls take the baby and keep her with you and your wife. Understand that no one can provide love equivalent to parents. Remember if you keep on doing this she ll not know who's her mom and dad! She ll have no love for you guys, I have seen it happen in real life, so trust me, take the baby put a servant or tell one of your mothers to swap and come there to take care of your baby. Pls don't play with this poor baby, there are so many people who would do anything to have a bundle of joy in their hands. You can't get back to see your daughter grow into a toddler again. It's a blessing. So pls bring her back and stop tossing her around
     
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  10. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    I wonder....an educated couple like OP and his wife. If they really did not want a baby so early in life, couldn't they think of birth control??? Just a question thinkingsmiley
     
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