1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

From Bad To Worse

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by LonelyWoman, May 6, 2020.

  1. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,303
    Likes Received:
    2,724
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    You dont want to quit your marriage. So you need to accept that you can't change him. Sorry to say that if you continue to think like this, it can result in hatred and resentments which is not good for you . Like others said above your dh know that you will come around. You need to break that confidence. Your current emotional turmoil is due to disappointments. Deep inside, you are not able to forgive yourself for being in this situation.

    You are financially sound and has a job. Thats a great blessing. Why dont you outsource your household jobs. Dont give any importance to any tantrums from your DH. If he dont like it ask him to do it.
    Plan well and do whatever you can. Lower your expectations from him.

    Instead of worrying about how to change him, think about how to live your life to fullest. Completely ignore his tantrums and do what you want. If he dont care about your happiness why should you. Dont yield to things you dont like. Focus on what you have and try to improve it including your career, retirement, financial plans.

    I feel talking to a therapist can help you. If so ask about EAP, they offer free sessions as you are employed .

    You cannot reverse the past, so focus on your present and future. Talk less and focus on action. At the same time you should communicate what you want in an assertive way. Stop asking for permissions. If he comes around that's great , if not you get an idea on how to proceed. Try to find happiness in you instead of linking it to him. Be optimistic.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2020
    SCA and sarvantaryamini like this.
  2. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    Ddream, great advice! I will try!

    Are there any ladies here who have similar issues - You want to work but husband not supportive although you do all the domestic chores? Trying to see if anyone came to terms with it and how.
     
  3. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    366
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I second this. One can't have everything ideal. OP, if you are a career woman, this is your chance to seek outside help for child rearing. Don't delegate it to him, but you should find someone to help you with this. If he volunteers, it is fine, if not, don't fret, don't hesitate to seek help. Concentrate on your career and go full swing with it, you may even get that extra money to reduce your financial burden. When life gives lemons, make lemonade, in this case, pickles too.
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    421
    Likes Received:
    535
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Do not retire early. No . My H says he wants to work till he dies. I am glad i have the same goals. We do not want to work ridiculously but just busy enough.

    this is just a philosophical, but i feel it helps . Work gives me a purpose, thing something i need to achieve, something that makes my existence useful. I also have kids, i guide them but they are not 100% percent of my life, they are growing up and they have their own personality now a days and secrets. i respect it. what will happen after they are adults. they will move on.

    early retirement and then what, sit at home , travel. how long will you travel or sit at home. i am not sure how to express further, but i have seen people who do not have goals ( like anything , better at something or something like raising a child , learning something new, more money ) they end up more bitter and depressed.

    i do not even mind, if my spouse drives a Cab if he says he has earned enough and now wants to do something else.
     
  5. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    366
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes, but if he wants to retire and is not willing to listen, then what can she do? Forcing and disagreeing will only lead to arguments and fights. Better to move ahead with a positive frame of mind.

    It is quite possible that if he feels less stressed he might help her or he may find a better vocation.
     
  6. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    421
    Likes Received:
    535
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    i
    I agree with you. Your views are very correct.

    I never said on fighting about anything. OP is a very motivated person, i referred that people like OP will become more down if they stop working.

    , i liked what @DDream wrote. OP needs to find that strength and balance.
     
  7. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    366
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    okay, I thought you were talking about her spouse.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2020
  8. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    566
    Likes Received:
    580
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all remove fears from your mind that he will retire or u cannot divorce. People talk about retirement but they cannot stay home idle. He must have backup plan maybe inheritance or investment. Also do not fear you cannot divorce him. Just remove fear and think what worst can happen. You are heathy educated working independent women. Your kids are healthy and not very small I assume. Think positive and be confident. Keep telling him he has to take more housework responsibilities otherwise you will leave him. Show confidence and he will bend. I am telling you from my own experience.
     
  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,749
    Likes Received:
    3,152
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    So much to unpack in both your threads, that I will run into pages and pages. But, for now will content myself with pointing out couple things. You will have to find your way through this. Just pointing out problematic areas or assumptions.
    1. Kid will leave for college and then we are done with him assumption. Not just you, many people think or say this. In fact the coming decade in your kid's life 14-26ish will be much more expensive than the previous 14 years. You'll be on the hook for the major expenses even after he moves out - for college tuition, rent, food, airfare, uber, insurance, etc etc. Till now was the easy part (imagine!) because the big expenditures rent, travel and food were looped in with your own expenses. Even after they get jobs, in the US at least parents still chip in, help with expenses or with part of house down payment. Most people dont realize this. Does this aspect figure in the early retirement projections?

    2. How has he been so far with the shared finances? Equitable sharing or a lofty 'I earned it so my expenditures is unquestioned but yours will go under microscope?'

    3. Verify his retirement projections independently and critically. Is he factoring you and the child in or is it going to be 'I earned all this, so "I'm" gonna be fine; you two are on your own?'

    Now coming to yourself
    You have assumed you will work no matter what. He seems to assume that too. What i that changes/ Do you have a rainy day plan for that? Divorce not an option because elders wont agree is another assumption.

    Given the above,
    my answer to your ques 1 is: I would refrain from ultimatums and conditions till you figure this all out for yourself. You haven't figured out the financial part, or the ramifications so far.

    ques 2: Short answer: you are overly dependent on his approval for some reason. You have to address the reasons for this co-dependency in order to get a handle on your reactivity. Some of it you are enabling in a way, though you may contest it. Try to introspect and analyse the reasons for this.
     
    lavani likes this.
  10. steve

    steve Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    810
    Likes Received:
    1,291
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Male
    A few things: If he doesn't want to help with household chores, so be it. Get some domestic help. No need to pressure or insist. Most people understand and help out. But if yours doesn't want to, maybe you can accommodate it?

    Retirement is overrated by people at that age. Most will get back to work. Maybe he is not serious. If you make him financially on the spot (Your attitude that you are fine financially and can handle it...is not something you may want to show off). Get him on the hook for some house hold expenditures and maybe then he will reconsider the retirement aspects.
     

Share This Page