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From Bad To Worse

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by LonelyWoman, May 6, 2020.

  1. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Many of you ladies read and commented on my thread Wfh Creating Issues! - I posted my background and my issues. Things had calmed down a bit and we were settling down into a wfh routine. I took you all's advice and cooked extra on weekends and served that food during weekdays.

    In short - ambitious wife, type B husband, married for 15+ years, have a teenager, husband doesn't want wife to work but can't do much about it, wife manages career and home OK (great career, at home nothing special other than a few meals a week and the regular cleaning, shopping, planning etc.), husband completely unsupportive and unappreciative of wife's domestic efforts and career, wife resentful as she has been forced to take on all domestic duties including child rearing with him lounging on the couch all the time. Neither husband nor wife super expressive or lovey dovey. More matter of fact.

    Current issue: OK so for the past couple of years my husband brings up early retirement. He wants to retire in the next couple of years 20ish years before his retirement age! His reason - he hates his work. And I am unable to digest this. He has earned like any normal Indian techie (I was not able to earn much because of the career break but doing OK now) and we are financially comfortable. Wouldn't say we are rich by any means. Not dotcom millionaires or anything like that. We are frugal and have saved up to live a good life if we work until retirement. He says he has run the numbers and we will be fine. But the early retirement scares me.

    Reasons for me being opposed to his retiring early
    I don't like that we will have to skimp more but I am unable to get past the unfairness! He was the one who insisted on traditional roles (men go to work, women do the cooking) and I managed my work without having him pitch in. What gives him the right to topple everything right now just because he is tired of working? I was expected to fulfill gender roles, then why is he special? I didn't get a choice so why should he? My mind is a volcano now.

    So last week this came up and we had a big fight. I said I have a couple of conditions - I will not retire early because he did, he has to do all the chores I currently do and lastly, I might take up an even more demanding job to further my career which so far has been kind of on hold. He surprisingly agreed to it all but when agreeing, he said something like - So what's the big deal, I will cook once a week. I was so mad because I realized that he thinks all I do is cook once a week! We all know how much more there is to raising a kid and running a house. We both were frustrated and he says he doesn't care about me anymore and won't talk to me. Once again the silent treatment cycle. This time, I am also very upset and hurt because he undermined my 15+ years of work and service.

    In my marriage, divorce is not an option for me because my family would not be supportive of it. For him, it is an option as he is the kind of person who doesn't care about family ties. So this gives him more power in the relationship.

    I am here looking for two things 1. Advice on how to handle the emotional situation (I can handle the financial part as I am working) 2. Working ladies who have similar issues where husbands hate that their wives work, won't help out with domestic work in any way AND are unappreciative of the wife's efforts. How do you deal with it? Any experiences would be therapeutic.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2020
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    If your husband retires what is he planning to live off of? With a likely recession around the corner will his savings provide enough income or is your salary also going to contribute?
    Speaking for myself unless I had college tuition fully in the bank I would not voluntarily quit a job with a teenager still living at home. You will also most likely end up still doing all the work. People seldom suddenly turn a new leaf. I’m sorry but this sounds selfish and irresponsible.
     
  3. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    @MalStrom good point! But he says he has done the math and has everything worked out. He has been reading retirement articles and according to advisors, he is fine. The last reason is probably highest on my mind even if things are ok financially. It just seems so unfair.
     
  4. netflx

    netflx Senior IL'ite

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    1. Which state are you in? Some states cost of living, tuition lower, some are expensive. Which state?

    2. Involve a financial planner to go over retirement planning realistic figures
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  5. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Netflx, I am semi OK with the financial part of it. I can keep earning. But I am fuming at the unfairness part. That he gets to decide when he wants to be the breadwinner and when not but I have to conform to his archaic gender role descriptions.
     
    nuss likes this.
  6. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    Hi OP- I am guessing you are in 40s if your husband is planning to retire 20 years ahead of time.
    A few things to think about and talk to your husband about:
    1. Is your house fully paid? No mortgage payment.
    2. Will you have any passive income after he retires (rental income/ a well paying blog/a side business that can be full/ part time).
    3. If you lose your job, would you be able to live off his retirement income?
    4. How about changing the job? Has he thought about looking for a different company?
    I read the early retirement blogs as well. One thing you will notice is that all of them have income in other ways: blog income, books/ ebooks, consultancy, rental income etc. Unless he has something to fall back on, early retirement is a dream.

    If you are the one going to shoulder the responsibility, you have every right to run the numbers yourself and see how secure your finances actually are.
     
    SunPa likes this.
  7. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    OP- he knows that you may fight/ argue about gender roles but you are going to stay in this marriage no matter what. He has figured it out and he won’t give a damn about what you feel. I am sorry that’s the truth.

    If you don’t see his retirement as a big financial burden then he knows that as well. He will do what works for him because it’s convenient and he knows sooner or later you will come around.
     
    LonelyWoman likes this.
  8. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Ladies, I am really struggling with my emotional state and my feelings that this is completely unfair. Plus the fact that he refuses to understand this, is not appreciative that I managed the home and won't support me in any way emotionally.

    Not worried so much about the financial part of it for now. I need therapy for the heart! Having a lot of mental turmoil right now and I know ladies here can make it better. Thanks in advance!
     
  9. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Exactly!! I am realizing that and I am trying to come to terms with it. His logic is that you worked though I didn't want you to work. So I can retire though you don't want me to retire. Which would have been ok if he had not forced me to take on all the child rearing and house work while working. No concessions offered as a working woman.
     
  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    You should go to therapy to work through this, OP. Your feelings have already created tremendous resentment in you and it will only get worse with time.
    Do you think you can be in your own if it comes to that? Is your own happiness worth sacrificing for what your family thinks?
    You cannot change what has happened but the future is in your hands. Like Nuss said your husband is cool because he knows you will put up with anything he does. Once your child goes to college you will be free to do as you wish. Start thinking about your options. You cannot change another person, only yourself.
    And save as much as you can. Money gives you options.
     
    sarvantaryamini and SunPa like this.

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