Gals Do you notice the word "Like minded" in Lak09's posting. I dont think we can find like minded people in india. Here everybody has their own support system. First come their neighbours. Then relatives and then friends. Second, abroad, you are a distinctive group "NRIs" so the fellow feeling is very high. in india, you are one among teeming millions. So, unless you hit it at a personal level, nobody is going to bend a finger for you. That is why the friendships here lack the warmth. Sharmi
Shanthi, Hi! What does 'J factors' mean? Thanks. <input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
Hi Laks... I am exactly in the situation you are in. I came back from US, last year...I had great friends in Us, and I dont have such friends here...I dont know why but I just dont have the same friendships anymore!
This is a very interesting thread. I have a few questions....and insights of my own For all you wonderful desi women- had you any American or non-Indian friends in US/abroad? How were their friendships in comparison to NRIs in your community? I am especially intrigued by this discussion to see it from a different point of view. I am an American (white, no Indian heritage). When I moved to India to study I had some interesting experiences in making friends. I had a big group of Desi friends in America for about three years before I went to Chennai. Most of them were Tamil/South Indian. Now, when I landed up in India, I figured since I understood the mindset, interests, likes dislikes, ambitions etc of my INdian friends in US, I'd find similar friends in India. Boy was I wrong! I worked from a different viewpoint- one of stereotypes. I forgot to look at each person as a unique individual. It's not that my classmates/friends in India were not possessing all those qualities, but they were expressed differently because they had not left India (yet, for some of them) and I had to learn a new way to interact and understand people. My Desi friends in US had some qualities of 'AMericanness, like a bit of independence and a different approach to competition and lifestyle that wasn't in that part of Chennai at the time I was there. I was very fortunate, I had a big support network when I was in Chennai- for the most part not a one American/Foreign (though there was one American teacher visiting who helped me a lot but he was not there all the time I was). This is different than most NRIs in America. There are so many desis in most areas, even small towns, now a days that you can find people to hang out with that are desi. I did not have that 'luxury' in India and actually glad I did not I had to learn new ways to make friends, be accepted into a friends circle and have fun/joke/and even how to express sorrow. It was all so different to me, and I am so thankful for that experience to open my mind and have the time/life I had in India. I am sure each of you will find some great friends as NRIs in India, just remember that though you may feel as an individual (NRI) swimming in the sea of locals, and you are a unique individual, so are each of those people in that sea of locals! Someone out there is waiting to be your friend! You will need to take a slightly different approach and have different expectations, but when they become adjusted the friendships will be just as satisfying as the ones you had abroad!! Good luck!! Wishing you a thousand wonderful friends! <input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
Thanks Shanthi! Absolutely! And being we're all human, this factors in to any culture What a quick reply!! <input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
Sharmi - Thanks for your inputs. I guess even I would put family first! I do know of a lot of people with the same wave length, but as you said, everyone else comes before the friends! Plus, I still miss my dear old friends back in the US. Vennela - I guess its the depth that's lacking here. After reading through all the FBs I realize we may be having too many distractions here! Since our time is finite, friends are the last on our list. Jennifer - I have read your blog and instantly recognized you! Glad to see you here. To answer your question, yes I've had American friends and coworkers out there. Thinking back, they were always more enthusiastic about our food/festivals and clothes than the rest of us. One of them always wondered why I never wore my mangalyam because she never took off her wedding ring. When I gave her the reason, she could not stop talking about it for days(A miscreant snatched a gold chain I was wearing, as I rode my bike back from work. He was on another bike! The cops did get to him a month later and I got my chain back but ever since, I seldom wear anything around my neck). You are right, Jennifer. I guess each person is an individual and there are good and bad people everywhere. Now that you mentioned it, I thought back and have had funny experiences even back there. I guess it's all about selecting the right set of friends and understanding each person as they are. Thank you for taking the time to pen your experiences down! It definitely made me think back! Regards, Laks
Laks and all on the forum... Laks thanks for seeing my blog. It makes my day! ;-) I wanted to share another topic related that maybe has been touched on here. Sometimes when we live in another country and find "our own people" we get happy to spend time and relive memories and create that kind of life in a new place. Sometimes when we meet people from our own country in another country we are just so happy to see/meet people that it automatically is a different kind of relationship. If we had met that person in our native place we may not even recognize/care. Or possibly, we wouldn't even be friends with that person. It's because we're out of context and need more connections to others and our culture.. for instance in my experience.. I lived in Chennai for two years as a college student. For 18 months I lived in the hostel. For the most part I was the only non-Indian there. The few times Americans were allowed to live in the hostel- and in this case in the 18 months only 3 came for maybe 2 months at the longest- I made fast friends with them. Though I am happy I took them out of context, and of course we had a common love for India, which is hard to find among Americans in America... but these girls I would not have naturally gravitated to if I met them in US. If we take out the love or fascination for India, we had little if anything in common. We liked very different things, came from very different family backgrounds, different values (not 100%) and were just very different from my friends set back in US. I am not regretting at all I got to meet/know them. But it was a completely different kind of bond than meeting an American friend in US..... Before I moved to INdia, many of my Indian friends in US said this too.. in fact few also told me.. gosh I went to college/school in India with this dude/girl and I saw him/her everyday but that person was not in my friend circle and never got to talk. Now that we're studying in US in the same college (working together), we feel this odd bond we never would have felt if not here in US together. I think part of this is the 'reverse culture shock' or 'reentry culture shock' - when we move back to a country after living outside for sometime we naturally have a different mind/set and approach to life. This would not be there amongst the people who never left. This could be part of the lack of connection or finding new friends. It takes unique people that have never left who want to be friends with those who left, cause though I was still American when I returned to US, I was a bit more Indian than if I never left.. that INdian part could be hard for American friends/family to understand and continues to be almost 10 years after the fact...I tend to gravitate to Indian friends, Americans interested in int'l cultures and foreigners in general. What an interesting discussion!! Jennifer <input id="gwProxy" type="hidden"><!--Session data--><input onclick="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" type="hidden">
Jennifer, so true, this forum is really very interesting. and you hit the nail when you say, when you remove the country out of the equation, there is a great difference in the way people move in foreign country. I met my ex-colleague in muscat last vacation at baskin-robbins, at 10.00 in the night, after 15 years..guess what we still could catch up after so many years. infact DH still talks to him on and off. we kind of lost touch with many of our friends who stay in our home city. it is not the distance, here or there, i feel it is the effort that goes in keeping a friendship alive. oh! i would go on and on about friendship..
Jennifer, Reverse Culture shock is probably it. We need to re-name the thread now!!! Yes, living outside India we always tried hard to find our own people, our community and best of all our kept our traditions and culture alive so our children imbibed it from us. The minute I got back, I ceased doing all of the above stated activities. I guess I'm surrounded by people like us with our culture and traditions, so I really don't have to try hard. Shanthi - Yes, we really cherish those friends don't we. I think we need to start a thread on friends who have enriched our lives in general!
