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Friendship there and here

Discussion in 'Return to India' started by Laks09, Mar 28, 2010.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Not sure if anyone has experience this but I thought of putting it out there. I have noticed that while I was outside the country, I had great like minded friends and we did a LOT of stuff together. We were more like family. Even after moving back and with all the time difference etc, we still keep in touch.

    Now, back in India, it's a different story altogether. I do have a lot of friends, I have old school/college mates around and new friends but I rarely feel that closeness with anyone. I attributed it to the fact that I hardly have the time after work. Added to it is the fact that I have a lot of close family around and barely have enough time to make an effort with anyone. But I still miss my good friends. It was fun to have them around during B'days and Anniversary celebrations. Anyone feel the same way?
     
    sindmani and (deleted member) like this.
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  2. shrikala

    shrikala Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Laks,
    Yes I have noticed it too.
    As you said the main factor is proximity to relatives. We do not have anyone here and we 'make' time to meet and celebrate with friends here.
    Back home it most cases it is like this, we have our parents or inlaws and both parties have to find extra free time after they have taken care of their personal work and get 'permission' from inlaws or parents if you are single.
    Here we can put off cleaning/laundry for a day and meet with friends but there (if you live in joint family or have frequent visitors) it is difficult to put off any work.
    Also we get a feeling they are our friends if they dont understand my hectic work who else would.

    Since I came here, I called my best friends back home on their birthdays and wished and they fight with me if i am even a minute late calling but for my birthday they just send an email. While in India they call me to wish. now they say if you go away from India why should we call you. even if i tell them how much i am missing food and family they cooly say 'nobody forced you to go there, it was your choice'.
    Maybe after going back, we tend to expect the same kind of interest in getting together from friends but if they dont reciprocate, we feel sad.
     
  3. Pavarun

    Pavarun Silver IL'ite

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    Laks09, I do not have any personal experience but just based on my thinking - as I see it, socialization opportunities are a factor of two things - your availability to socialize and your need to socialize. When you are away from family, you tend to try to socialize more in an attempt to build a support system. So you may also make a better efort to be more available. Work/life balance which is generally better abroad also helps. When you are back to India, since you may be trying to actch up on the family time, and may not have the need to actively socialize and you also may not be that available (due to longer work hours etc).
     
  4. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    I am not in your situation exactly. However, I have seen this difference too. One major reason is we have family and relatives in India so it kind of engages us. Another thing ,I have noticed is there is nothing else to do in US without friends ?How long can a couple and their kids keep going on trips or shopping or movies alone? They need friends.
    Then,also the work timings in india are more erratic compared to US, and this does not give us as much personal time as it used to in US
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree Shrikala. Another factor maybe the "number" of relatives around! After all our weekends are finite, and we cannot satisfy every one and we tend to put friends on the back burner sometimes, hoping they will understand. Yes, I sometimes do think that way!

    That's true as well. We never really had anyone else to be with back there!
    I didn't think about it but yes, we may not find the same warmth out here possibly because of the other chores our friends have to juggle with as well!

    I guess you hit the nail on the head! I definitely felt the urge to socialize with friends waning once I had other things to deal with. Work for me is same in both countries(actually it is lesser here if you consider the additional help we get) but I guess, the time now needs to be divided amongst family and friends!
    Neha - Yeah, I agree with the need to mingle! I've heard about the work time issue with most of my friends but touch wood, I don't see major issues as of now!
     
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  6. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    You are lucky then! Enjoy:thumbsup

    It is a real luxury in India to have a good job/good pay and work life balance.
     
  7. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hmm... Neha, I used to think the same earlier but sometimes I guess it's up to the individual to strike a balance. I guess it's the mindset of the people that's hurting them the most. I see most of my coworkers burning the midnight oil, even after being told to schedule 8hrs work days. People don't seem to find anything wrong in not having a life outside of work. I guess, such people are the ones that rub it off on the others as well.
     
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  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    Laks,

    A thought provoking post which left me pondering for many days before replying here..

    the support system makes it difficult for the friendship to flourish a lot.

    the catching where you left is not always possible as everybody moves on with their lives.

    the work atmosphere, the timings, the ambitions, the cut throat competitions and the J factors all play a role.

    apart from this, have you noticed, there are people who put off their friends, with back in the xxxx, we were used to this, we were like this. there are people who are so ..(what do i say) even they are skeptical about the water they are served and many try to avoid.. i don't know if you have come across such, but i have seen this even if they have not been an nri. One of my friends always says, oh, for the past 25 years she was in the same polluted, corrupted and xxx country but one year in xx and she talks as if she was born there...:biglaugh:biglaugh

    On the same note, I have seen people who have been in xx for 25/30 years, don't mind eating on a road side dhaba, while someone who has been there for just a year making fuss even in a 2star hotel..

    It is just a my POV.
     
  9. Pavarun

    Pavarun Silver IL'ite

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    That is interesting. I was thinking that work hours (including commute) would be much longer in India - just because of the IT services industry offshoring economics. But maybe that is not true?

     
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Shan, talk about co-incidence! Something like this happened only yesterday. Somebody asked me how I could live here any longer, with the "terrible" quality of life :spin:spin:spin. This person was actually out of the country only for a year.What I told was that I feel no difference now, my quality of life may be better, thanks to the services we get. And then she went on and on and on about the wonders of the place she had returned from. I just switched off and didn't even bother responding. Unfortunately there are such people everywhere.


    Pav, I guess it is a matter of prioritizing! It's not really long hours but odd hours that I've seen with my co-workers. They come in late(11.00 -11.15) and leave late. The client calls etc don't happen every day unless you are in Sr. Mgmt, at least not where I work. I generally schedule mine for early mornings (7.30 - 9.00 AM) and work from home on those days!
    I guess I found a good employer, it took time though to find the right job!
    Btw, I had a horrible commute back there(40 miles one way). Took a good 1.5hrs one way! I really don't miss that about my life there!!!
     

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