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Friends Moving To Other States

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Vedhavalli, Dec 9, 2021.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Over years i made few good friends, eventually except 1, all moved to other states. I feel alone, though we speak over phone and in regular touch I miss meeting in person.
    I have acquaintances, neighbors who are nice but wavelength doesn't match or some acquaintances call only when they need information, help from me rest of the days NO contact nothing.
    Is it normal? I'm afraid to make new friends some behave friendly on face but don't show real friendliness.
    Some only gather to gossip or shop.
    Usually mommy friends are fine but somewhere I feel it's a forced one due to kids.
    How can I get good friends?.... or early mid thirties is the age range where everybody goes thru this stage
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    This is very normal. Same in my case and few people I know.

    Difference is I feel more independent and freedom when am alone.I am like a happy loner :) I do things I love and stay touch with my friends in phone whenever I can.

    I do not force myself anymore to make friends.If it happens organically,then good.Else no Problem.It took me decades to understand just partying and going out alone isn’t good friendship.Just a wavelength match is needed for some.Maybe u r like that and am this way.


    My cousin has too many people calls as friends.She is an extrovert but she also mentions that there are lot of
    Politics and gossiping involved and she says it’s okay as she needs to be around people.She also brushes off many things which is an nice quality of her.It is her way of keeping people around her.If it works for her great..but for someone like me that’s a nightmare coz I do need a bit of wavelength match to call someone a friend.

    Some are lucky in relationships and good friends stay nearby.


    Everything is fine.It all depends on our attitude.
    From what you said..You seem to want healthy relationships and not shallow friendships which is a good thing.It is better to have quality and quantity.Things will work out don’t worry.

    All is well.What u are facing is absolutely normal:)
     
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  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    IME the older I get the harder it is to make true friends. I have people at work I’m friendly with, former coworkers we’ve stayed in touch with, people I know through kids and hobbies. But my real friend-friends are still the core group of 5 women I met when we were all little girls in pigtails in 5th standard.
    Continue reaching out to people. Sometimes the unexpected will click.
     
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  4. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

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    Yes I don't need friends who are only for parties, shopping, traveling (just to share expenses). Thanks for kind words...
     
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  5. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    i wish it was easy. i had 1 friend who i worked in my first company . this was 15 years back, it is funny, i know so many people but still i am emotionally close to her and still in touch. she is in india, i call once every week.

    it is a good thread. many are artificial. lot are just friends because my kids are friends. wish i had better answer.
     
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  6. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    OP- I feel that we all go through this. The friendships evolve over time. You may not be able to make friends like you have/had from school or college days. Those friendships are special.

    How do you make friends?- Be open! Don't begin a friendship with the mindset that they "might behave friendly on the face but won't be real friends". It takes years to become "real friends" until then you be friends with people who you like. This may evolve in a deeper friendship or may fizzle away! Give people a chance without any expectations!

    I personally have very few friends. I have 2 friends (one male and one female) from high school and three friends from college/graduate school. These are my core group of people whom I can call anytime. Only one of them is in the USA, that too in a different state. I have many work friends and I talk to them even after moving to different states but they don't have the same depth of friendship as my best friends. I don't have any "mommy friends". they are just my kids' friends' parents. I get coffee with them some time or meet at the park etc. but I won't talk anything outside kids' stuff with them.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I had this problem when the kids were under ten years old. I found myself bending over backwards to make family friends. If I found a family that seemed worth getting to know better, then either my kids or H found some flaw in them. They used to act like an NRI bachelor visiting India for marriage, rejecting picture after picture of eligible girls his mother is showing him. I realized I cannot create the perfect friends using play-dough. I gave up. Wish I had given up earlier.

    This is what I have learned:
    - Give up on the "meet in person" requirement for a friendship.
    - The best friends are those I made in childhood, college and at my first job.
    - I keep my most precious friendships to myself. Meaning their families and mine don't become friends.
    - Rest of the friends are for a reason and a few seasons. These are the ones we meet in person.
    - If I feel like I need more friends, I will reach out to people from my childhood or college years. Did that during the pandemic. Even after decades of no contact, there was enough history and a bond to result in a deeper friendship. After a few calls lasting 1-2 hours each, it is like we were never out of touch.
    - In any friendship, even with closest friends, practice moderation. If there is a period of intense interactions and too much conversations, dial it down. I learned this a bit late. Lost couple of dear friendships due to this lack of moderation.
     

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