Friend's married life at stake. Any suggestions pls??!!!

Dear Rosemary,

Obviously we are hearing about a third person based on his version told to you. Assuming it to be absolutely accurate, I would have to say, your suggestion of their going to a marriage counsellor is definitely needed.

Is he in the financial position to either buy/rent two flats next to each other or a house upstairs and downstairs, so his mom can live on one level and they on the other. This way he can have some peace knowing his mom is right there for him to keep an eye on her and his wife can be happy with her own establishment. Of course, it would also be wiser for the mil to stay out of the husband and wife's life. Granted he is her son, but it is not going to hurt the son if he eats chappatis twice a day and if he wants rice, he can just tell the wife so. There is no requirement for the mil to tell the dil what she should cook for her husband.

I can understand your desire to see the two happy together. But it takes two to tango. Your friend's wife should be willing to live peacefully and amicably with her husband, isn't it? If she doesn't want to, no one can do anything about it.

 

Such is life that even after 6 years of being in love and then marriage against all social pressures, married life becomes a living hell between strangers!

Truth is that being in love is very different from the reality of married life. One must make a lot of adjustments and sacrifices to have a happy marriage. It seems that both your friend and his spouse had different expectations from their married life. Reality is now hitting them!

Your friend must now decide wether he will stand firm beside his Mom or not. He must not get forced by his wife. Tell him to stand strong and firm. If she is going into hysterics and throwing unnecessary tantrums - ask him to ignore them. She will soon realise that she will not get her way by such unreasonable behaviour. Tell him to make it v e r y clear that he will not seperate from his mom.

If possible they should go in for councelling and anger management classes if required. Tell your friend not to be disheartened or suicidal now bcos his Mom really needs him now.

 

since u r his friend obviously the truth will be missed along the line. she had already known the guy before, so it is for them to discuss,go for counselling and decide. i did not mean to hurt u. most of the times we can unknowingly ignore facts when the person involved is close to us. so let them decide their life.

 

Dear Rosemary,

Its better that you hear both sides of the story and then ask for suggestions instead of hearing only your friend's side..its obvious for you to believe what your friend has narrated...but what about the girl's side story..??!!!

he/his mother could be wonderful people to the whole world but how are they to the new girl??

we have heard many stories in IL and also in personal life where a lady would be a wonderful person to the whole world except when it comes to her DIL

your friend himself could be a mamma boy but might not claim that he is one to you!!!!

no person will accept that he is a mamma boy,he would say in simple terms that he loves his parents and cannot see a tear in their eyes...he would shut himself and be a silent spectator when both wife and mother would be fighting...
and no MIL will accept that she tortured her DIL and would cover it up and say that she was only trying to help and mould the new girl for a family life!!!!!

PS::i am not saying that your friend/his mother behave that way but you need to know these facts as well..!!!!

and i personally feel its better that you back off from this problem ..if you interfere and try to give solutions to your friend,he might tend to share more of his family problems with you...and if that wife comes to know??

no wife on this earth would like her husband to share the family issues(seeking help) especially for the fights with a third person,be it even the closest friend/relative....the issue/rift could become worse if she knows that her husband is discussing all these with a female friend...

i mean you might try to help with a good intention but that girl can take it the other way and your friend's life could become worst!!!!

So please console your friend,ask him to seek a marriage councellor and you try to back off from this situation or you can tell him in a calm way to ask his wife what she wants/why is she behaving like that...

 

My MIL is an angel in the world's eyes. But I know the real person.

 

If he confided all those things to you, I don't hold him in much regard.

Do you think he is playing you for sympathy and other things? Watch out!

Guys don't cry over others' shoulders like that. At least not guys I know.

 

Re: not getting along with MIL or anybody for that matter...

I have been told a certain unique something that a psychiatrist friend observed in practice in India. Many people (girls, mostly) who grew up as only kids in the family are having some adjustment problems shortly after getting married. He said, growing up without siblings in Indian setup has some unique issues. It's possible some pampered kids want the hubbytoy entirely to themselves.

 

Hi rosemary..i totally second with swaran and all other posters..no man will ever accept he is a mama's boy.see if the wife fought with her husband till 3 am..it's not like she alone was fighting and your friend kept quiet..as said it takes two to tango..so your friend's intentions mays,problems may be true. But you as third person cannot decide on his behalf..it absolutely is the couple's issue and max a family issue..all we outsiders could do is support him emotionally to be strong and help him in taking wise decisions...usually issues between mil & dil are about the man connecting them, his well being,kitchen,controlling issues etc..so these need to be addressed. Some things should be ignored as far as the purpose is acheived or outcome is proper.....usually in a marriage both the girl & mil have some inhibitions..Only the guy can help eliminate these inhibitions...there should be effort from both the sides..one cannot expect the girl to mingle with the family outright..she needs space.
Tell your friend to go to marriage counsellor. If the wife really has anger issues she needs help..may be she is insecure,may be she has other issues......
Every person has deficiencies..they need to be addressed and supplemented with good thoughts which will reap into good actions..

 

Used your post to lead off into what I wanted to say only as a lead on to the discussion. Nothing else is intended.

Fixed my post any way! Truce?