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Friend got married without parents consent wants to get separated - Advice needed!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by vanmug, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. vanmug

    vanmug New IL'ite

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    Hi friends!

    I am writing on behalf of my friend who is in a very bad situation. Please advise what would be best for the girl in a situation like this.

    Heres what has happened- The girl knew the boy for more than 4 years and after nearly 2 years of love, they got married abroad without their parents consent. Till date their neither the girls nor the boys parents know about their wedding. The real problem lies here, that she has been able to realize the true nature of the boy only after they got married. The boy is suspicious of the girls behaviour and keeps on saying that she has extramarital affairs with her colleagues, friends or whomever she comes across. In the beginning she believed it was possesive nature of the boy that made him feel bad and say these things, but things never changed and the boy uses really nasty language to speak to my friend.

    The girl has been supporting the boy in every possible way, that she sent money to his parents every month for the past 2 years and also took care of the boys necessities. In return she got man handled by him and also kept on bearing the filthy language he was using every day. The boy was unemployed throughout the period when he was supported by the girl. But now since he has started earning, he has not made any attempts to support the family nor to pay the bills. The boy now also started to drink all kinds of alcoholics very regularly which the girl doesnt like at all. Not only this but he lies naked and chats with women from all nations doing really nasty things on the webcam. The boy was also found redhandedly having an illegal relationship with a local foreign lady. Its not this alone, but the boy was also found to speak to different women on the phone that he made friends through yahoo messenger.

    Since neither of their parents are aware of the situation, they both have pressure from their parents to get married. One more thing that I forgot to mention is that the girl is in the best of her career now and the boy is getting really jealous with the situations. The boy being an MCA graduate also is doing some odd cleanign jobs to make money which he wants to do for a living and not shift to his area of Computers.

    Now the girl is alive only because she is educated and dont want her parents to suffer. The torture she has undergone with the boy cannot be described using words. The above descriptions are just examples of some important events in her life.

    Now that the girl has realized the true nature of the boy, she is really undecided as to what has to be done? whether to divorce the boy and marry someone her parents chose.
    the idea is not to marry immediately but may be in one year when things settle down and her parents find some suitable match.
    or to continue with the same boy because she already got married to him.

    Is it easy to get a divorce under mutual agreement? What kind of legal problems can the girl face in the future because of this first marriage. The girls marital status has not been changed in her Indian passport. Can she go ahead for a marriage with a guy of her parents choice without telling him of the past marriage. Or do you guys think its best to first tell her parents and then the future alliance also, so that she will have someone caring and loving.

    The girl is in a state of shock due to her situation. She could have avoided but she loved him so much that she even risked in getting married to him secretly without parents consent. All the trust she had on the boy is now shattered. How do you think she should inform her parents.

    Even if she hides the things now, one day or the other, the truth will come out. So what do you advice ladies?

    the girl already decided to get separated from the boy and gave him a slight hint. now the boy seems to act like he cares and even dies for the girl. But I am sure all this wont last for long. He started to earn since October, but didnt make a single paise contribution to the family. Its already January, do you guys think he will change? He is not buying anything for himself. The girl can lodge a complaint but dont want to get any headaches before separation.Now since they started to talk to each other abt getting separated, the boy said that he is not going to repay the money that the girl has been sending all this while. The sum was nearly 5 lakh Indian rupees.

    With all these things, the girl has lost all her hope in life and is left cheated.

    Please friends, please write your valuable comments and advices for this girl.

    cheers
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2008
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  2. jaanu_2721

    jaanu_2721 Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Urgent Advice needed

    firstly i want to knw whether u have any marraige proofs? like is the girls marraige done legally?? if so just go for divorce 1st. even the girl is well educated and she can live alone also. and here i want u to suggest that now its better to tell all this what happened to her parents. and better get divorce with that man.and am sure that the person wil not change his nature in future.. and now the thing is ur frnd is tortured mentally and as well as physically,, but its god's grace she was not injured severly.. so its better to leave him as early as possible. if u r gonna hide this with ur parents it may cause danger to girl's life.. plz.. dont make late in leaving him..
    u can have a better future .even ur parents fell bad its only a momentary pain.. past is past . enter into the new life that u have dreamed ..

    ALL THE BEST..
     
  3. vanmug

    vanmug New IL'ite

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    Re: Urgent Advice needed

    Yes you are right Jaanu. The marriage certificate is very much with my friend. She has gone through all this torture by threatening him that she would call the police if he does any physical injury.

    But she is really afraid to tell to her parents as they would be disappointed and down with these circumstances that they would have never even thought of.

    My friend is not interested in marrying anyone in the future as now she is not able to believe any man. But her parents want to get her married off.

    Thanks for your advice.
     
  4. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Urgent Advice needed

    What ur friend has done is a big mistake.But whatever has happened is past.
    Now she should first tell her parents everything.Get a divorce from that guy.
    Then they should search for her as a second marriage.
    I seriously suggest that the fact of this marriage should not be concealed.
    Dear friend,in these days getting married to an abusive man and coming out of it is common.People even understand and sympathize with the victim.
    But she should be ready for a divorcee or a widower and she cannot expect a man as if she is getting married for the first time.
    If she does that i personally feel it is a sin and she may have to pay a v big price for it if the new person comes to know.Maybe he may even leave her for gud.Then nobody will blame him (the same way that we are all now supporting ur friend).
    So best thing would be confess everything to the family,legally get a divorce and happily get married listing as a second marriage.
    I have seen this happen and the girl is v happy with her second marriage and she is even expecting her baby.
    So be true,there has already been so much of falsehood and dont mess up further,she should atleast be able to see her own face in mirror without guilt.
    Gud luck and keep up the truth.God bless.
     
  5. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: Urgent Advice needed

    hmm..Infact very tough situation for girl in question.

    My take.
    As of now, Do not involve any side of parents. Dont fight with the guy. Just get the divorce papers ready and file for divorce. And she doesnot have to beg for divorce, simple ask her lawyer to send him papers. No drama , plain objective escape.
    She needs to move out of the place before she files for divorce. She should tell the guy plain and simple that she wants to divorce him. Ask her to move to a place, guy doesnot know about. Ask her to share this with her immediate boss in office, So that she can find flexible arrangement for work.

    Once the divorce is done. After some months, when she feels healed enough. She should tell everything to her parents. She doesnot need to rush into marriage immediately. I would suggest her break of few years, before thinking of any relation or marriage. Since she has been independent so far in her life. She shouldnot even fall back on parents to find match for her. Whenever she feels ready to get back in relation, she should search for herself. It could be a friend who knows everything about her or an alliance whom she confide everything with. But the essence is she should tell the past.
    About parents feeling bad, Lets face it. She did find them insignificant enough to ignore and go ahead with the guy. So now why this fear of their feeling bad. Whenever we take some extreme step, we need to be strong enough to face its consequences. And its time that she comes out of feeling bad for herself.She should collect her broken self and start building her life again. There is never wrong and right decision in life. At any given time, We take a right decision only. But as things unfold, right start looking wrong. So we dont have control over what happens with the things we take decision about. Life to some extent is gamble, and we all gamble with our best of skills. This girl can easily fall in loop of feeling bad for herself and feeling all weak and useless. And she also has a choice to stand strong to this storm in her life. She took decision with whatever limited knowledge she had about the guy. Now she didnt have control over how guy will turn out. But she definitely has control over, how she will deal with it.

    If I were friends to that Girl. I would ask her to finish this mess all by herself. Involving parents at this stage will only complicate things for her. Parents after a few months of showing disappointment , may suggest her to continue with the guy. But the bottomline is Guy is Useless. So that decision she only can make.

    Best Wishes
    Ria
     
  6. malarvp

    malarvp New IL'ite

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    Re: Urgent Advice needed

    Well said Ria. a perfect solution for the girls situation. invloving parents at this stage will result in unnecessary problems and mental torture to both the girl and the parents. and most important she should move away before filing for divorce.

    Hope god gives her the courage to face everything and get settled in life.

    Malar

     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2008
  7. kanaka

    kanaka Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: Friend got married without parents consent wants to get separated - Advice needed

    Please move to another place.

    Inform her parents of the blunder committed by her even before she starts the divorce proceedings. Otherwise even the legal consultant would take her for a free ride.

    Pl.do get separartion. Incase the parents wants her to reconsider, make them understand the boy is a VAGABOND

    SEPARATION is a must. She has behaved in an irrational manner.

    Ask her to be good in her work place. Work hard. Let her reach great heights.

    After divorce allw the wounds to heal. Try to come out of the trauma in a matured and systematic manner.

    Be spiritual. Rest in God's hands.

    Do inform both the parents. Imagine an MCA being a cleaner. Man seems to be of a disturbed mind. Also morally not strong. Hope he is not into some drugs. That's not ur concern now. I feel shocked hearing this. Do communicate to any one who can think in a cool manner. kanaka
     
  8. joy

    joy New IL'ite

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    Re: Friend got married without parents consent wants to get separated - Advice needed

    Hi,

    Its very sad to read that how kids/young people
    come under outsiders' influence do not inform
    parents of their major decisions in life. Your friend
    can't undo that mistake at this point in time, going
    forward It think there is a better and milder alternative
    of "Annul" the marriage on the grounds that the religion
    requires one of the parents should give the bride to the
    groom and because parents were kept out of the marriage
    we cann't view this event as a marriage and parents aren't
    accepting it. By doing so you can avoid the word divorce
    and the guy can't trouble her during divorce by asking for
    some financial support as your friend is doing very well.

    I have a child (7 yr old son) only thing I tell him a lot more
    times that no problem is so secret that he needs to hide it
    from parents, don't need to be shy or ashamed as we all
    make mistakes, we adults/parents make mistake but the
    good thing is admiting and trying to correct yourself. If
    your friends are supportive and understanding its better
    to let her parents know of eveything (in-person) apologize
    and move forward.

    Following are the steps (I feel are good to follow):

    1. Get a job in different city, keep a cell phone of current
    area code that way he won't know where is she living.
    2. Let parents know of the complete truth, nothing but
    truth including address, phone number, lawyers contact
    details, nearest police station, company name, manager's
    name etc.
    3. Live in an apartment complex with security doors
    main/all entrance.
    4. Try and have a copy of every communication. Its
    better to stay intouch with that guy using e-mail and
    text messaging.
    5. Stop giving him money and sending money for his folks.
    6. Try and concentrate on her career that way her mind
    will be taken away from worries.
    7. Do not fall for any guy until she gets out of this mess.
    8. Think about restoring her maiden name.
    9. Stay strong, healthy and think positive.
    10. Do not trust everyone and follow everybody's advice,
    listen to your heart and follow your brain.

    Its never too late to get back into right path!

    Take care
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    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2008
  9. amsa

    amsa New IL'ite

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    Re: Friend got married without parents consent wants to get separated - Advice needed

    As told by malar,ria she has to wait for second relationship.shld move away only then that guy wont come again to disturb her....as ria told the second choice is to be taken with care.....hope for the best....
     
  10. Thylambalmeenakshi

    Thylambalmeenakshi New IL'ite

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    Re: Friend got married without parents consent wants to get separated - Advice needed

    Hello,

    Your friend is in an abusive relationship and needs to get out ASAP. Please have your friend look up a Domestic Violence Help place. In India it would be Saheli or Saathi or Mitra. She does not need to take this kind of abuse from him. It is time to come clean with her parents. It will be hard initially but at this point she needs their support. Honesty is of paramount importance before she is straddled into another marriage which could raise legal issues. Coming clean with her parents and a Counseler will help her see that she is the VICTIM here and needs to get out of this relationship right away.

    Thyla
     

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