Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Vedhavalli, Nov 20, 2020.
this is a very wise reply.
I guess they both need someone to counsel them and lay the pros and cons of stopping and continuing.
Explained all the aspects , pros, cons.
Going to a counselor is best , but neither my friend nor her husband is agreeing to this, she says she can't talk go to family therapist, for the best reasons known to her.
He husband too said to her, we will handle ourselves. Therapist, family counselor are for others .
Now I feel she is covering up her husband. 10 days I broke my head, thinking how to help her, took all her calls, neglecting myself.
I have to told whatever help you need I'm ready to render. If you don't stand up for yourself now it's not worth a life... Her immediate response was 'if it happens to you then you ll know'. I really like her , I let it go as a friend.
Morning first thing I saw her social media pic with bright saree clad attending a small party with her husband.
I totally dont understand she isnt that gullible nor stupid. I asked her not to forgive him for few months, give silent treatment etc. But what's happening right now I can't relate to what happened 10 days ago.
Moreover she has plan for a short trip planned.
I feel like emotional trash can, when needed crying, seeking.. she says I'm giving him a chance.
As you all said it takes time not 3-4 days.
Sometimes covering up a cheating or lying is more harm. I think it's time to stay away right now only give advice rather investing emotionally for her.
Some people react this way. They don’t want to change the status quo, and are not ready to face the hard questions. They try to put a bandaid on their relationship with trips and parties.
You have done your part, as a friend, to find ways to help her, but whether she uses your advice is up to her. She may need your help later, but don’t lose your sleep and peace of mind for her.
you have been a great friend, she does not know how lucky she is . but there is a pitfall , you are not a counsellor.
those counsellors are trained, to keep their personal emotions and client emotions separate.
this is why therapy is not helpful when taken from a person who is related (blood, friendship) because it affects the outcome or affects the other person emotionally .
looks like you need to step back for sometime and ask her to take professional help in a gentle manner. it is ok to support for sometime when she is down but not to invest too much time when her state affects yours.
I think she dint want to change her status quo. Or not able loose her family life or face the unknown. May be desperate to be back to normal. Only she knows her perspective.
Her husband has to seek forgiveness. She has to be firm that he should decide either his ex or me. Some time should be given to her husband to decide.
Contacting his ex is not a good idea. If she is married, informing ,her husband anonymously,may work. But only after collecting enough evidence. But the problem is with her husband. He dont respect him or her or his marriage.
If she forgive her husband too soon, her husband get the message that its ok to do that. There is high chance that he go back to ex too. May tell her, dont worry, my wife make some noise and by third day she will be back, so let us have a blast. He may become an expert in hiding it. There is high chance for this scenario if he dont regret what he has done. She should atleast tell him her emotional turmoil. Also its impact on this marriage and what will happen if he do it again.
Truth is, once trust is gone, relationship will never be the same. Anyway its her life,her choices.
OP, you are a very supportive friend. So its better for you to stop discussing this topic,unless she bring it out or need your help. You deserve peace of mind.
@BhumiBabe @lavani @DDream thank you for taking time and understanding...
Sometimes I feel why the real world is not soft matured.
Yes , she wants to put band-aid imo it won't help in long run as you all said.
I will lend my ears not my heart. I'm worried for her kid. Better to keep safe distance. Today she behaves as if her husband is SriRamachandramurthy , few days back her husband told her, if she wants she can leave with kid. Seriously human emotions and brain is complex
I totally get you! But thinking from your friend’s perspective, I get her too! Yes, her husband cheated her. But she is not ready to accept the pitfalls that come with it. She is not ready to accept what she may loose in the process, I think. Posting happy looking photos and not ready to go to a counselor are some sorts of denial. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she had forgiven her husband.. It just means she still doesn’t gather up the courage to put everything together and fight for herself.. Each person reacts to the situations in their own way... I think in her mind your friend clearly knows that things are not going to be the same between her and her husband... Maybe she is mourning for her loss of what she shared with her husband... Give her time... Don’t reach out to her.... Let her take her time and reach out to you herself.... Until then wish the best for her...
Your husband should top chatting with her when she messaged him "I miss you, wish we married"
It's my friend's husband. Pls read op.